Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 It is a nice morning this morning.  Of course I am going to have an emergency shit any moment, but that is a whole separate conversation now isn't it.  Now that I am back from that... The early summer walks around the yard have been enjoyable. (side note: I got two sentences done before I had to return to the bathroom - this shit is fucking ridiculous - and honestly just had to run to the bathroom again and shit myself on the way - this is demeaning and depressing)  To return to the statement prior to the two shits, the walks have been nice.  Even with the trailer park across the street, I love our yard and where we are.  It is so quiet in the morning.  Just birds and wind (and the occasional loud ass truck, but "We are country!" (said in my best southern accent).  I honestly can't understand how upstate NY became the south, but we did. I am really enjoying the gardening (on a small scale) and making the yard look nice.  I did some work on t...

 Day 2 of vacation.  Here is what I got done yesterday: Though it doesn't look like a lot, it was a 5 hour endeavor which for me is a lot of work.  I am happy that I can still do things like this and I will continue to do things that improve/fix items around the house.  After I finish the floor of this one today, I will be working on landscaping the rest of my vacation.  It is so nice to do my stuff. My bowels were ok during the building, but afterwards was not good (nor before).  I can't wait for the urgency and frequency to not be such an issue.  I suppose I have to quit eating so much, but I am getting better at controlling the munchies. My rose bush has flowers this year.  You can see how rough the leaves are as the beetles have once again found it at night. I suppose I should try harder for the roses, but I only have so much gardening to give :) Well, have to use the loo and do my pre-construction running around I love you all!

  So, I am not in Puerto Rico, but it does seem appealing.  It would be more so in winter as it is hot enough here for me.   I haven't been feeling very well and I think my sugars are all out of whack.  I really have been sugar snacking way too much and I need to curtail that.  I suppose the good thing is that I have been able to put on some weight and I am up to 184 so now I can settle into a normal diet knowing that I am not unnaturally losing weight. My insides feel like a wreck, but that may be associated with the eating poorly.  I'm going to try and eat a little better over the next few days and see how that goes.   Other than the shitty insides (you see what I did there) and the lightheadedness, which I attribute to sugar in the body, I am doing pretty well.  I feel strong and I am going to try to do some work outside as I am taking time off from work.  I need a vacation where I am not recovering from a cancer surgery. The out...

 It is June 26th... 2023.  It is hard to believe that it has only been a year and a 1/2 since I was diagnosed (well since the first bad tests were coming in).  This journey has been interesting.  I am not going to say it has been bad and I know that sounds strange.  You see, I have met myself, more than I had before.  I learned more about love and kindness (Tiffany and my girls have been amazing).  I also learned a valuable lesson about needs and wants.  I really don't NEED much.  Some food, shelter, and companionship his the important thing.  It makes me feel bad for people that don't have anyone.  It also helps me understand why people will stay with someone that they don't truly love.   Lately my stomach hasn't felt well.  I overeat because I am stoned.  I tell myself to stop eating, but I can't seem to control it.  To be honest, I just took a 10 minute break to go shit a mound of what I ate the other nig...

 I am staring at the computer camera so photogenic.  I am also so tired today, but it may be that I am up at 4:00 AM (Nala).  It gives me a time to wake up think about what I will get done at work and at home.   We had treatment again yesterday, just the irinotecan.  I was a little nauseous last night, but I feel a little better today. Some lightheadedness and foggy brain with some queezy stomach wrapped in..  The oncologist didn't seem to scared of what I have going on with the small spots in the liver and my blood work was all normal except for one liver enzyme, but it is slowly creeping back to normal.  I hope that my body being able to handle the chemo keeps me in this state for a lot longer.  I can handle the every two-weeks mess as long as I am still on this side of the grass.   Well, today I am going to try and whoop up something yummy.  We will see how it goes. I love you!

 So here we are in the hotel.  I was trying to think about a song that had squeaky chair in the lyrics, but poison ivy popped into my head instead.  So there you are the reason for today's lyrics... I miss being at home and the ability to walk around the house, check the garden, etc...  I am such a creature of habit.  I suppose I would prefer to do anything other than sit in the treatment room getting chemo.   My right side has been hurting as of late.  Not like it was back in the day before we found all this, but an annoying little pain all the same.  I forget to take my evening meds a lot and one of the drugs is for the bile duct blocking.  I suspect that is the culprit, but you never know. Well, I really don't have much to say today.  Worried about what the blood test will show, but other than that things are still going well.   I love you all!

  I can't help of think of the next line we would all scream at a college party or bar when this song came on.   I drank too many alcoholic drinks last night and my liver hurts.  I had 2 pints and short.  Then when I got home I drank a gin and tonic (with actual gin).  This morning, I know that I have a liver.  I also ate too much sugar last night.  I get stoned and I just can't stop grazing and the sugar is easy. I read again about someone in the man up for cancer group losing their battle with stage IV colon cancer and it makes me so scared.  I know they post about uncontrolled tumor growth in multiple areas, but I still get scared that they were like me.  So close to no detectable disease and then - bam!  I fucking hate the worrying On a side note, I really have become quite content.  Most days I am just neutral, pleased with everything around me.  I know that Tiffany stresses out about this stuff, but anymore, what can...

  So I went to the movies with Maeve last night to see the new Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse.  It was really good.  Maeve got a little upset.  I would suspect the whole, time with dad, talk of spider-man's having to lose someone important to them (canon moment/event).  I promised her we would go and I have done that a lot all their lives.  "Yes, we will do that", but never actually doing it.  When I saw that Spider-Man would be out of the theaters by this weekend I was struck with - "there goes another promise".  I suppose things like going to the movies are the little stuffs, but it is the little stuffs that matter.  Forever ow when she sees that movie, she will remember that we saw it at the theater.  That's a good thing. I am not really sure how I feel.  There is a little pain in my upper right quadrant that could be my liver or just could be my slow bowels at the moment.  I keep forgetting to take my evening meds and ...

 Yesterday was Father's day.  I miss Popo.  It was nice as I got a lot of time in the yard trying to make some gardens.  I used old wood to make a new planter box.  As the wood is really old it will probably only last a season or two, but I did it all the same.  I also build a rock raised bed for the herb/bird garden.  The plants there are getting established and may or may not make it.  We will see.  I also got some weed from the nephew so it went into the tent and one into the garden.  So I guess it was a busy day for me, but I feel like I got something established. Tiffany made me a yummy dinner of shrimp, stuffed mushrooms, and brussels sprouts.  I am happy when we can share food as she doesn't devour the meat like I do.   I know I went through this last summer, but I really would rather just be gardening/landscaping.  I like the physical activity as it reminds me that I am alive and I like making the yard pretty ...

  I thought I would look at a picture from a year ago. I guess you can see a difference in my pudgy face.  The second picture is washed out a bit, but it does look like my hair is darker in the more recent picture.  That is most definitely a lighting issue I'm sure.  I must have had nebula or galaxy as the light scheme due to the purple ball on the TV.  Not much has changed about the messy room., I can't really say how I have changed.  In a month and 1/2 from the bottom picture I was on the operating table in Sloan.  I had strong optimism then that I was going to beat this thing.  I still feel like I am going to beat this thing, but not as aggressively as I did then.  I think I am more indifferent to it now.  I just want it not to be there, like an annoying house fly (do know, there is an annoying house fly pestering me at my desk right now) always buzzing around with no apparent purpose.  That is cancer now, destroyed my insides, m...

  It's Friday!  I am not going to lie that I am happy about that.  I really am tired of working.  I spent a good time cleaning up the office yesterday and got a garbage bag full of crap out the door.  I need to do the whole closet out here so if it is raining in the AM, that is the plan.  The problem with the closet is a lot of the stuff is large and needs to go to the dump, but I guess I will be the judge of that. (could always go to the dump in the rain on Sunday).  I like it when things are cleaned out and I wish I had unlimited time to make this place look the way I want (would love to level it out again as well, but that ship has sailed). I suppose I shouldn't complain.  We build this room for less than 6K when all is said and done.  Thank you Tiffany's grandmother. It is strange as it used to be I felt like I had a lot of time in the mornings and it may be that I am outside for a good 15-20 minutes on the warmer months, but it really do...

  Not sure how I have a White Lion song stuck in my head, but stranger things have happened.  Sleep evaded me last night even outside of Nala's 2 AM-ish wake up call.  The small amount of dexamethasone that comes through the pump keeps me just mentally crazy enough to want to eat all the time and not sleep well.  The good news is, I am still here. I did the finances (or our investments and net worth yesterday) and it was nice to see that we aren't too far off.  If it wasn't for Tiffany's mother we would be broke or would have to have done our trips to the city in a much different fashion.  Either way, she is a saint, I truly believe that.  There are signs in the universe that make you realize you have chosen the right path in life.  Being with Tiffany was the right path in life.  I know this with all my heart and if you gave me the choice of not having this cancer bullshit or never being loved by Tiffany, I would take the cancer every time. W...

 It is raining outside so I probably won't be walking the house this morning.  I will have to find some time to hit the elliptical this afternoon to get in some form of exercise.  It is so unbearably humid and it was all night that it feels way warmer than it is in the house.  All the animals were running around all night (well at least the cats were).  The dogs were up, I was restless, etc...  So needless to say I am fucking tired. Today is why is it only fucking Wednesday.  Tomorrow will be one week from chemo.  I am not sure if I feel better or worse.  The pain in my liver is gone (yes, I was having that again), but the dexamethasone takes care of that.  I never know whether the brain fog is the chemo or the steroid.  It is probably both.   I have been able to not think about it a bit, driving to work and singing (during the drive it is hard sometimes not to waiver into cancer thoughts, but I try not to), while actually...

  Things are going ok and I probably should write more.  I've been struggling to get up earlier (not sure if I am tired or just depressed).  Considering I haven't posted since the 9th, I would say I am slacking.  The return to chemo wasn't as bad as I expected and maybe it takes some time to build up in your system.  I suppose to that maybe I have less cancer as well?  Either way, I feel ok.  I hate to think that I am becoming numb to the affects of my chemo, but I suppose that is a possibility.  I am pretty numb to a lot of things and I think that shows unfortunately. I am back at work half days and the routine is good for me, but I really don't want to go.  I kind of want to stay home and veg, play games, work on fun tech, and be with Tiffany and the girls.  Speaking of the girls, Maeve made a really tasty pasta dish yesterday.  I just tried the sauce and the pasta (not the chicken), but it was really good.  I will have to ma...

  Too dark in the hotel to take a picture of me, but I took this picture of flowers yesterday morning at home.  I restarted chemo yesterday.  I fogot how the drugs made me feel and I am pretty queasy this morning.  Though I had some good days between drain removal and today, I never really fell fully healthy.  I just don't know whether it is the chemo, surgery recovery, or the cancer that is making me feel like shit.  I assume with the 3 months off of chemo it probably isn't the chemo.  The pains in my joints make me realize the dexamethasone has shrunk inflammation for so long that my body didn't realize how broken down it was.  One treatment of dex and my fingers already are starting to feel better.  The pump will but a small dosage into me every day for the next couple of weeks so I will gradually have little pain in my hands. Tiffany continues to cart me back and forth to appointments and she is amazing.  I think she is starting to g...

  Wow, I am tired today.  I don't think I slept well, but I don't really know why I am this tired.  Last night I didn't feel well, I think it was the ice cream I ate, but I felt really sick to my stomach most of the afternoon.  Anyhow, I still feel a little queasy today, but I am not going to avoid eating.  That is what made me so sick last time, it is a downward spiral. I need to get out and check the garden, get some breakfast, pack my lunch, and get ready for work so this is going to be a short entry.   I love you all!

  Feeling flushed and pale all at the same time - strange...  Also, there is no quarrelling, just had Dion and the Belmonts stuck in my head. So I am returning to the office today (1/2 day).  It really is to just make sure people see me in case they see me in town and wonder why I am not at the office too.  If Tiffany and I decide to go to dinner or brunch, etc... I don't want the office complaining that I haven't been in, but I can go out.  It makes sense if you think about it. I feel ok, I have felt a little run down since the trip to Jersey.  Not sure why it feels like it took so much out of me as we have done it so many times.  My muscles are unusually sore and tight, like they don't want to work.  It really sucks how weak I have become.  I suppose I didn't really do much post the surgery in August of 2022.  I mean I trimmed the bud an all, but if I went back in my posts I will find that I sat around a lot after that surgery.  A...

  So I wanted to write more yesterday, I just got a little too busy.  I got some done, but anymore, my muscles are getting really sore.  It may that I did so little physical activity after the last surgery.  With the bag and then getting sick, I didn't really get moving as much as I am now.  I am really concerned that I am wasting away.  Imagine what it would have been like if I didn't have the weight to give to this mess.  So I suppose it was a good thing that I was carrying a bit more weight on me than I should have.  This may also be why I may want to get more weight on me now for when the cancer eventually wastes me away (might give me more time). I have a hard time figuring out whether the being active is helping me or not.  I suppose that exercise is always good, but then I feel so damn tired and lightheaded.  I am going to stick with keeping active through the summer in the hopes that doing so helps.  I was active during the ...

  Seems like a quick Saturday, but got a lot done.  Watered the garden, brought the car in for tire swapping (and picked it up), got the rocks on part of the herb garden down, planted a perennial, and watched the FA Cup. Not feeling too hot today (well, I'm hot as we aren't running the AC).  I haven't told Tiffany, but I have been getting these bouts of dizziness/lightheadedness.  Not sure if it is just nerves, not enough water, or what, but it scares me.   Well, the dog is done eating.   I love you all!

Back from NJ yesterday...  I have new spots on my liver (smaller than a cm) and though I am a little upset about that, I did expect that we had a full side to still address.  Considering they removed 6 wedges in the last surgery and I have been able to get around, use my bowels, albeit annoyingly, and that those two spots are the only area of concern for my oncologist...  I will take it. Am I scared - hell yes.  I do get lightheaded quite a bit and I don't always feel so hot, but I did (in March) have some pretty major surgery and though it has been a couple of months I shouldn't expect to just be running a marathon.  I was in pretty bad shape when I went into that surgery. I will write more tomorrow AM, but for now, I need to get to work :) I love you all!