So, so you think you can tell... April 18, 2023


 I know I haven't been keeping this up, I haven't been driven for much of anything.  I am not sure what happened to my strong positive attitude.  This last surgery and the sepsis really affected me mentally.  I'm afraid now, I felt some of my mortality and I didn't like it.

Tiffany continues to be amazing and is taking care of me wonderfully.  I feel so bad for her and I wish there was more I could do to help her.  She has so much to do for the girls as well and all I do is sit on my ass and watch TV.  I try to do other things, but I get so tired so quickly.  I have begun to make most of my own meals and actually ate more yesterday than I had in some time.  That is part of my energy problem is I am not eating enough, but I'm also not allowed to eat anything of consequence while I am on the BRAT diet.  I really do hate bananas...

I have been scared lately that I am not going to turn for the good after all this surgery struggle.  It sure would be nice to know what caused the stomach issues back prior to surgery.  I think (Tiffany and I do) that it was just my body no longer absorbing any nutrients due to the ileostomy bag.  It's funny as things were going along ok and then all of a sudden my stomach hurt and I couldn't eat.  I still haven't fully recovered from that issue.

All of this weight loss and weakness has me terrified.  I know that every day, week, etc... I creep more into the statistical nightmare that is Stage IV CRC.  I long for the days I now feel I wasted when I had tons of energy.  I can't believe I didn't spend every day telling Tiffany and girls how much I love them.  I didn't show Tiffany how much I appreciated her and how much I loved her.

You know there really aren't any words that can explain the strength of love.  Feelings are so hard to verbalize and just saying that you love someone or appreciate them just doesn't seem strong or descriptive enough to explain the depths of feeling.  That is the problem I have had of late.  I don't feel like I am expressing to Tiffany how desperately I love her and how important she is to me (long before I had cancer).

Well, time to go eat - I fucking hate bananas

I love you all!

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