I can feel the magic floating in the air... April 10, 2023

 

I need to cut my hair and trim my beard.  I am beginning to look older than I am with all that premature white hair.

I'm having a cup of coffee today.  It may be a big mistake, but it tastes so good.  Caffeine is on the no-no list, but damn it I like my morning cup and I rarely even finish it, especially in the cold months and considering it is only 27 degrees this morning.  It is supposed to get really warm this week - 83 on Friday.  I can't wait to sit outside, walk my garden area, plan some new boxes, and just spend some time with Tiffany like normal.  

I haven't felt normal since early May (for about a month) and I really forget what normal is.  I guess I just want to feel strong enough to take care of myself.  I want to be able to make a 2 hour car ride without feeling like I have to be afraid that every fart is me shitting myself (yesterday picking up Maeve and running around).

Yesterday was a tough day for me, I was sitting in the chair looking out the front window at the Bradford pear tree and I could see all seasons passing by me.  I became extremely nostalgic for all the time I've been so busy that I didn't slow down to enjoy the wonder that is the life Tiffany and I have built.  We'd done well for ourselves, but that isn't the important thing.  It is all the memories I have of all of us.  Planting those trees, running around the yard with the kids, BBQs with extended and just our family, playing Mario Kart all the time when we first got the game cube, Tiffany getting up before work to get a perfect town in My Sims, etc... I have so many memories that I had forgotten, so many wonderful times with my family.  I got scared that these things are behind me.

I told Tiffany in bed last night that I needed her help.  I am a bit discouraged and afraid.  This last month has shown me how quickly my body can fall into a truly sad state.  Malnourished, weak, sick, and unable to fight off infection.  The sepsis issue scared me immensely. I remember very little from the first time I felt like I couldn't breathe to the point I passed out.  I truly thought I was going to die.  I guess this is what has me so scared is that I was powerless to fight that or stand up to it.  If it wasn't for the healthcare team I don't think I would have.  

However, I can feel Tiffany, Maeve, and Gusty's strength pulling for me and I can't let that energy, love, and magic go to waste.  My plan today is to try and keep busy.  Feel productive and as strong as I can be.  I need to feel my "new" normal out, but it isn't going to be sitting around thinking my best days are behind me.  They are in front of me.  Watching my daughters become the women they will be, loving my wife that has sacrificed so much this year for me, and trying to repay the universe for another chance.  

Well, off to get that day started (and I did only drink half the cup of coffee and it was tasty).

I love you all