Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 If you didn't know already, the bright light is the UV Happy light.  I am a little in a bad place, not for any particular reason (my insides suck for the most part).  I know that Tiffany is depressed or overwhelmed.  There is so much for her to do and I know she not only worries about me, but she worries about the girls as well.  I know it is a morbid thought, but if I can maintain work at Welliver, I know that if there is to be a demise for me that they will all be taken care of to some extent.  There would be some belt tightening, but there would be an ok amount of tax-free inheritance.  I know I shouldn't think like that, but unless I get good news soon, I am getting into the dangerous years.  As of March next year, it will be two years since Chemo started and as of February it will be two years since full diagnosis.  1 to 5 is the magic number, if I get passed 5 I'll be one of the lucky ones. I need to get more active, but my activity al...

 The bright light is my UV Happy Light.  It is cold this morning and Bear wants to go back to the living room.  You wouldn't believe there like fifteen minutes between the start of this post and now.  Dogs, breakfast, stuff... Things are back to the doldrums.  I am starting to feel a little better.  My bowels still kick my ass, but all in all, I'm here for another Christmas holiday, which makes me happy. Well - off to play games I love you all!

 Another trip to NJ in the books.  Now that I just get the pump fill it isn't really making me sick.  It doesn't really matter as my gut is all kinds of whack from the chemo, surgeries, fucking cancer, etc...  Sometimes I feel so yucky, even now off the systematic chemo, that I wonder if I don't have another tumor in my digestive system.  The way I see it, I am nearly two years in and I am still going strong and I should be thankful for that. Speaking of thankful, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am so looking forward to kicking off the holiday season.  I miss that feeling I used to get and last year I saw a bit of that and this year I am really excited about listening to the music and watching the movies.  I like that I make myself wait as it makes the movies and the music special. Well, I need to get some fun in before work. I love you all!

 I wasn't going to make an entry today.  I know that I am suffering from depression, but I don't know how to fix it.  It's not just the weather, but everything.  I am so tired of the 3 month and we will see game.  I know I should be ecstatic that I am alive, etc., but not knowing about where I am at with the cancer is scary.   Now that I have typed that, I have to think about the fact that we never really know how much time we have left.  We expect that we have a lot more.  When we are young we think we have forever, but it changes as you age, then you get cancer and you are confronted with your own mortality.  It is funny how you just want to live once you know for certain you won't always be alive. Don't get me wrong, I am still positive and happy that I can take care of my family and I am not really sure what I would be doing differently if I didn't have cancer (worry less I guess). Well, trying not to be depressed today (looking at t...

  The Speckles must sit in my seat not that it is heater under the desk season.  I don't know what she thinks of the UV light, but she likes laying in the sun...   I need to get into the holiday spirit.  I am going to think of something to try and make for Tiffany next weekend (I know it isn't Thanksgiving, but we are having pizza for Thanksgiving :) ).  As we move into the winter months I get so depressed and lack motivation.  It is hard for me to exercise and I think every pain or bad feeling (like and upset stomach) is the beginning of the end.  I try not to feel doomed, but it is hard at times.   I am trying to get myself out of this funk and may Christmas season is just what I need.  We will see. Well, time to get some shit done. I love you all!

  Not to steal the email I sent to Tiffany this morning (I send her a mail everyday), but it is what I was thinking about: This will be our 23rd holiday in our home.  23... The time went by so fast and I don't remember all the Thanksgivings or Christmases.  I do remember how I feel about them and us.  I do miss having the little girls around the house sometimes.  One of the greatest joys in my life has been watching them grow and you as their mother.  It is amazing to have something so wonderful remind you how amazing life is. It is strange how I don't remember a ton of specifics around the holidays, but I remember how I felt and that is the important part.  I find it upsetting that you forget things as you age.  It has gotten a lot worse in the last few years.  It is funny that I remember all this programming structure and network math, but I can't narrow in on a lot of specific memories of the past. Well, I suppose I should get my day ...

 Did you ever think about the shear number of songs that you have heard and recognize from throughout your life.  It is pretty impressive the things we can remember.  I don't find it hard to put a new first line from a song every time I post and I am certain I have used a couple twice, but still it is pretty impressive.  It isn't like I sit here and try to think of a song, generally I have one stuck in my head.   I am trying to ignore the constant ball of gas or whatever in my gut all day long, but it is beginning to be difficult.  I try to be happy about the fact that I am here, the tumors have shrunk (giving me more time) and that I am capable of caring for my family.  That last one is the important one.  I guess I learned from my father that working hard is the way you show love.  I really don't know what else I would do with myself at least during the winter.  During the warmer months I would garden. Well, I have some work to do...

  I have to wonder how many of these pictures I have taken sitting in this desk chair.  After well over a year and a half, I probably have quite a few (I don't post every day and I probably could make a rough guess, but it is more than 200).   I am struggling a bit with depression, etc...  I suspect if I had this chemo break in the summer it would have been better for me as I could get out of the house in the AM and the evenings enjoying some warm weather and sun, but I shouldn't complain.  It is all relative I guess as there are times in the summer when I just don't feel like going outside because it is too warm, etc...  You miss things when they are gone and I suppose that includes the past summer. I'm also a little anxious, I can't determine what I want to do most of the time.  Work sucks (it is work) and I just get into this shitty funk every fall.  I realized today that most of my "fun" in the past included just drinking away the day and...

 My UV light casts a weird shadow, but it is necessary as we start to get into these grey cold months.  I was outside for at least an hour yesterday working on the generator and another hour the day before and I don't think the sun shined much at all.  A little more on Saturday than Sunday, but totally depressing. I did get some things done though.  Maeve has a wired connection to the network again (which seems to have made her happy) and the generator has a green light and no longer is displaying an error.  All good things and stuff I needed to finish before the winter.  I worry Maeve's link won't last the winter as I pretty much MacGyver'd that ethernet cable. We are off to NJ today solely to do pump maintenance.  It is a total "no chemo" two weeks.  No steroid, nothing...  I am interested in seeing how I feel as I don't think I have had this kind of break since surgery and I don't exactly feel good after surgery.  I am hoping that may...

It is time for the UV light again.  This turn to autumn has been tough on me for some reason.  I guess I often think about how many I have left.  I wonder how many people my age think about how much time they have left.  It used to be rare for me.  I thought a lot about retirement, but not about when I wouldn't be here anymore.  I wonder if my father thought about it.  Especially when he could no longer make the walk from his house to ours without stopping.  I suppose he had to.  I think we all do when faced with our mortality. Things have been ok outside of the turning to the grey and no sunshine weather and my bowels.  I feel sick a lot, but I blame that on the gut.  It scares me as that is how I felt when I first went to the DR prior to all this cancer BS.  I suppose, I need to start being happy again that I get to spend another holiday season with my children and my wife.  Sometimes it takes me typing it out to realize...

 It's Saturday thank God.  I really don't have any plans or schemes for the day.  I got stoned this morning because I felt like it so now I am just kind of in the sit and stare zone.  I don't know why people say that they focus better when stoned.  I guess unless they are referring to focusing on whatever they are staring at while their minds go blank or float through a bunch of thoughts that they thought was a minute and ends up being 5 to 10.  I should have left the referring up above that had 4 r's as an example ;)  though I suppose the last sentence in itself is an example. Anyhow, things are going as well as they can.  I am off systematic chemo until the end of the year and what a difference that makes.  I don't know if I am 100% or what that is anymore, but I am ok.  Unfortunately, I have/had this infection in my tooth that I didn't know I had because of the all the dex.  My insides are still a little messy (antibiotics don't ...

  I shouldn't stare at the camera!  Well, got back from NJ yesterday around 4:00.  The oncologist gave me a break from systematic chemo until after the holidays.  I suppose that is good news.  He says he can only see one tumor on the CT scan.  This is good news at least for some longevity.  My blood tests are good etc... I suppose I should stop feeling the heavy weight of doom concerning my longevity and get back to my "I can beat this" thought process. If anything, I will make it through these holidays and into the next year.  I used to have these short term milestones and I am thinking maybe I need to start spreading them out a bit.  Why? Because my ass ain't leaving anytime soon.  I keep thinking I should be doing more, but what is that and what does that look like.  You always hear that saying, "live like you were dying".  Well, people that are dying need regular health care, like pump maintenance, etc...  You actually...

  I am going to try and make a proper post today.  I have been phoning it it in to be honest.  We are off to NJ again today for chemo.  I hope that my oncologist has put in enough time to give me some plan forward.  It has been 7 months since my surgery and 4 months of chemo so it would be nice to know what is next.  We got a good report from the last scan, tumors still shrinking, one wasn't visible in this scan.  I am happy about that and scared that the cancer may be elsewhere. I have been tired and nauseous as of late.  I think it is a little bit chemo, a little bit my messed up insides, and a bit depression.  I really have to get myself back into gear, exercise, eating better (whatever that means), etc...  I'd been a little lightheaded over the last couple of weeks, but I think it may have been the caffeine as I was having about 4 cups or so a day.  It may also have been the water.  I don't know why it is so hard to drink 6...

 So it has been a while since I wrote and I have got a lot done.  I have some brussel sprouts ready to go: We missed our good color due to heavy winds and the indoor garden is coming along And I made Boo All good things. Oh, and one little thing, liver tumors shrunk and one seemed to go away totally!  This is all good things!!! Well, need some breakfast! I love you all!

 I need to clean this office.  I am running out of space to stash stuff so I must have too much stuff.  This month is going to be exhausting traveling back and forth to NJ.  I know that Tiffany is tired of the driving and so am I.  Really want to know what the next steps are.  I suppose they could be do nothing and remain on treatment.  We are just not sure how this ends (the every two weeks to NJ), I mean we know how it ends, either I get better, we do it forever, or we don't - all of these are on the table I guess.  I like the first two best. Being sick every other week is no fun and I suppose I should just get more active and not think about it.  That is generally the plan, but now that we are moving into winter, it is much harder to work without thinking about it as there is less to do inside. Things are going normal and normal is good.  Maeve is taking a class, Gusty is making these cute crochet things, and Tiffany I guess is taking...

  So this weekend (Friday) was our anniversary.  22 years married, 22 years...  It has gone by so fast and the way my brain has been I can't remember it all, but I know that it was great.  Oh, we had hard times, difficult times, but I don't remember them much at all.  I remember the fun at Disney, the BBQs on the deck, playing in the yard, laughing in the car, playing Wii, it is all "LAMINATED".  We, together are eternal and I it is the thoughts of those great times and future ones that keep me going. Not to get all sappy, but having my birthday and then our anniversary made me nostalgic a bit.  I also know that I have lived an amazing life and all of you helped it to be that way.   Well, I should get to eating something.  Was nice to sleep in today. Your moment of Zen: I love you all!

  Today is our anniversary.  It hasn't been a year filled with fun and activities.  Since last October we have been through some bullshit.  I was wasting away with an ostomy bag, nearly died after surgery, had to be waited on and taken care of daily.  Tiffany went through it all without complaining to me.  I know it stressed her out, I know she didn't want to be doing what she did, but she did it all without question, every day.  It is amazing how loved I am.  I don't know if I will ever be able to repay her, but I will try. Today I will attempt to make a nice dinner and we will watch a movie or sit out with the dogs.  Either way, we will be together and that what matters. I have been feeling a bit better, but that is probably because we have chemo in a few days.  I always start to feel better as we move towards chemo day.  I suppose I need to take the good with the bad and be happy that I am still able to do the things that I do. W...

  I am feeling a little tired this morning (flushed in my face as well).  I am sorry that I haven't been writing here much.  Soon, I will be locked in the house on the weekends (not locked in, just too cold in the mornings).  I suppose that not much has changed so I am once again in the doldrums of my treatment.  We have scans again on the 19th and will have some idea of steps forward then, I hope. As for me, I am the same.  I keep plugging away at trying to work, do things to improve the house and home life, as well as ignore the fact that I have cancer.  It is easier on some days than others.  Tiffany continues to keep us all together.  She is such a strong and caring individual.  I can't think of what we would all do without her.   Starting next week we have 3 weeks of travel to and from NJ for treatment, testing, treatment.  The third trip should give us some direction - I hope. Well, I need to get to exercising and pr...

  It is a good question, "Who wants to live forever?".  I do, or at least considerably longer.  I just want some more time.  I also want time where I am retired and able enough to enjoy it.  I have been losing focus on the "able enough" part as I get worried about the cancer.  I am too logical to my approach and need to start believing more in myself. I have a difficulty with the "you can battle this" as I don't really know what I can do.  I can put up with the chemo, the surgeries, etc...  but I can't slide into my body and fight the cancer.  I suppose in my head I can, which I do try.  It is hard to not think about it. Well, I have to get to bike riding and eating breakfast. I love you all!

 Well my 56th has come and gone.  I was a bit depressed yesterday, I didn't realize it until later.  I am getting scared every time I hit some future date.  I guess I should be happy that I have had this time to be with my wife and kids.  I think they know how much I love them.   I will be honest, I don't want to die.  Don't get me wrong, everybody dies, I know this.  What I don't want is to die so young.  I want to see Gusty and Maeve grow up more, I want to get to do some things with Tiffany that we couldn't do.  It is difficult to make plans when you have treatment every two weeks.  You could squeeze things in, but it doesn't really work well.  Generally, I am sick or just yucky.  It doesn't help that my fucking bowels are a wreck either. I suppose enough woe is me.   My birthday was good.  I worked (sort of) and spent a bit of time trying to clean up this mess in my office, but there just isn't enou...