Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  I am still hear MFers!  Sorry, best way to say that when I have taken a three week break from writing in this blog (I have so many).  This was is meant to be re-read after I beat this shit (or don't) to remind about the journey and my learnings. Things have been going well, I haven't had any treatment since sometime in Nov or Oct maybe even longer.  In Nov (the 21st) I had another ablation (3rd times a charm) and this week (Jan 2) I have scans again.  So, of course I am freaking out.  If things go right, I will be cancer free, if they don't, I am back into the shit. I have to say, short of my shitty ass digestive system (see what I did there), I feel ok.  All of this shit the last couple of years has beaten the hell out of me, but I persevere.  I will continue to fight regardless, but I am hoping for the first real clean scan. Well, I have to get to work. Love you all!

 I've dipped into the winter hoodies so maybe I will be wearing something different in these pictures.  I don't have a lot of time to write. You know, I almost never write the date anymore.  Funny, it used to be so important and now it is just another day.  Interesting to watch over the years how things have changed and what we focus on.  For example, I have no idea why people wear watches any more, even the smart ones.  I mean I am the most technical IT obsessed person I know and I want to shed my phone as it tries to keep me engaged and I don't like that. As to me, I had a 3rd ablation - let's hope 3rd times a charm.  I am feeling ok except my insides are still a wreck and I think this is just something I have to deal with forever. Off to get the dogs and get ready for work. I love you all!

  Well, finally in NYC for the liver ablation (this afternoon).  Once again, I am hoping for 3rd times a charm.  I wonder if we started this liver ablation sooner when the pump was still able to deliver chemo if it would have had better results.  I suppose the fact that I am still kicking is still good results. Tiffany and I upgraded to the penthouse in our hotel.  I know smell us, right?  It would be nice if it was higher in the air, but it is still a pretty big room.  Well it isn't really a room, it is an entry, living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so it's a condo.  I could live here.  Hell, it is way bigger than my apartment in Hawaii. I wish we had more time to enjoy the city.  We come up here for an appointment or a procedure and then right back to Erin.  I have been out of vacation time at work for months so this is all time off without pay.   Our world does not favor the sick.  Honestly what nat...

 I am glowing from the monitor light.  I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years?  That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today.  I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation.  So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love.  You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world.   I'm worried about this one.  Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....

  I really have to get more sweatshirts.  In a couple of days we will be heading back into NYC to get my liver ablated, again.  This is the 3rd time.  3rd times a charm?  I am not sure how I feel.  I spent all day Sunday getting things done outside so I still can burst some energy out, but it leaves me exhausted.  I don't have the energy I had just a few months. I have started another blog, but public - I am not sure why I am driven to do these things.  I have always been an introvert with a need for attention I guess (it's strange, I know). Well, I don't have a lot to say this morning outside of the fact that I am beginning to realize that I spent way too much time in my life thinking about me and it is sad that it has taken me this long to realize that life is about everyone else. I love you all!

 I could have sworn that I used that first line before, but it seems I haven't.  Doesn't matter, and I Love Her every day...  I am extremely stoned this morning I am testing my first actual flower on inside grow.  I can't seem to keep the leaves green during flower on indoor and I have been testing fertilization techniques.  The bud as I mentioned it is really strong. The outside harvest was stellar this year and resulted in some good bud as well: More than we could use for sure. My indoor garden hobby isn't as much a pull for me as outdoors.  I know it is the sun and warmth.  Tiffany and I sat outside yesterday and I really enjoyed it.  I had a beer and everything.  Days like that with the dogs running around, just talking and listening to the Beatles, and a modicum of sun are like dreams to me.  If there is a heaven, I could do that everyday for eternity. Well, my stoned ass has to get busy. I love you all!

  So, I have a full beard.  I didn't plan on doing no-shave November, but I was too lazy to shave and honestly wasn't taking very good care of myself.  So, I have a full beard.  I also have hair on the side of my head and I am amazed how red it still is. All that aside, I wonder how I feel.  I know that sounds funny, but it is hard to understand whether my ills are mental (depression, fear, anxiety), age issues (bad back, etc), or something to do with my cancer.  The last 3 years have aged me as well as my family. I have dropped off of social media as I just find it to be a distraction and "something to do".  I let those services drive into my ADHD/hyper activity and when I want to be distracted or avoid my work, there it is ready to waste hours of my time. You may ask, what am I doing with that time - nothing.  That isn't all true, I have focused a little more at work, I setup an AI system, etc... Things in the house are ok, I feel like I have lo...

 The computer camera does a poor job with the bright monitor light and the darker background.  I suppose I don't really care.  Things are just things.  I have been trying to not do social media or the news.  It is strange, because my day had become just constant small bits of time wasted on things that have no actual value.  Seriously, now that I am not just jumping on the social media or news sites, my mind is a mess.  It wants constant distraction rather than focus.  I wonder at which point in my life did I give in to the distraction impulses and stop actually focusing on things that matter. As I think through my life I become angered with myself.  I focused on work too much, too much distraction, and not enough focus on the things that matter.  As it is I have a hard time with affection towards people (pets, not so much).  I have been a closed door most of my life and the more I think about it, my lack of willingness to let mysel...

  No first line of a song today, I just can't.  I am not certain how so many of my fellow Americans can have so much hate in their hearts or such a strong concern for egg prices.  We live in a fucked up consumer frenzy where Jesus and Adam Smith are now somehow brother's in arms.  Wrap in the fear of brown people and you have a great recipe for population control.  Did we honestly think that America (the land of the free...) was ready to elect a mixed race woman? I want to think voters stayed home or whatever, but I am beginning to think that in order to get to a Star Trek universe, you have to go through hell.   I was hopeful that we would see some relief from the constant hate against those that are different, but I fear this will embolden those that would ostracize anyone that is different or disagrees with them.  I want to think that the executive doesn't have that much power, but with the loss of the senate, most likely not gaining the house,...

  Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something?  Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike).  I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside.  I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this.  I miss my morning summer walks.  The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer.  I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago.  I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring...

  Do I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday? Yes, yes, I do.   Well, it looks like I am still an ablation candidate, but if I keep growing new liver tumors it is going to start looking bleaker.  I wish there was something I could control on all of this, but as I have said before, I am just the battleground.  I understand the positive attitude and all - I have that.  Also, I am determined to get Tiffany to the point she can collect social security.  This means I have to continue to beat the odds for a few more years.  I look forward to reading this a couple years from now and laugh that I was scared about not making it at times. Well, I have a couple of things to get done before work. I love you all!

  So, the path before me is getting a little narrow.  For the first time my oncologist seems more negative about my status than positive and my treatment options are narrowing.  I have unfortunately, told Tiffany that is time for us to start getting serious about our conversations on estate planning etc.  I hate that I am causing everyone so much pain and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. Cancer fucking sucks, it robs you of your daily life and then it leaves your family with a memory of you as a sick person.  I don't want to be remembered as a cancer patient, I want to be remembered as a good father and a loving husband. I miss the old me, but what I don't miss is being at work all day.  I don't miss trying to climb a corporate ladder or making a lot of money.  I changed jobs to have time with Tiffany and the girls.  Honestly, that still happened and I wouldn't swap that time for anything.  Many times we were all just sitting in the...

  I definitely don't write as often as I used to.  Things don't change much when you get deep into treatment.  Time seems to be a gift and an enemy for the most part.  I am in break from treatment post ablation, but have no idea where I am at from a cancer perspective.  Believe it or not, my bowels have gotten better (of sorts),but my hernias are annoying and I get that stupid pain in my upper right side under my rib cage.   I suppose I should be grateful that I have been able to take care of the family this long, but I am not sure that my cancer isn't destroying it as well.  I didn't see it as much with my father, but now with my mother being sick, I hate that old age and illness become a burden.  You work so hard your whole life to give to yourself and your family only to find at the end of it, you are a burden. I sometimes miss being younger, I sometimes miss being middle age, but I don't think anyone ever misses being old and broken. Well...

  I suppose I should have put a Friday the 13th kind of song at the title.  As normal, the song title never relates to what I write.  Just happens to be either stuck in my head of the first song I think of (that I haven't put on the title before). Things are going ok.  Tiffany and I keep passing this damn intestinal bug back and forth, but she seems to have it worse than I do and more.  It was hard for me to kick and I am pretty sure I had it for months. Ablation went well from a recovery stand point.  Just a little pain now that we are coming to the end of the 2nd week moving into the third.  My hernias seem to bother me more than anything.  The oncologist doesn't recommend getting them fixed at this time. He is a hard read, but he made it pretty clear he doesn't recommend fixing them at all.  I get to thinking he is just trying to keep me alive and anything that interferes with that is on the don't do it list. All in all though, I could be ...

 The dogs woke me up at 4:12 AM again this morning.  I say again, because I haven't slept until my alarm in days.  It doesn't help that I am having a hard time getting to sleep.  So needless to say, I am fucking tired. I have ablations next week.  The IR's office moved the procedure from Sept 9th up to August 27.  I think this is good as it limits the amount of time I am off chemo.  I don't want to go back on chemo, but I know it is my best chance for survival.  I am not certain if that is the path my oncologist will take as I don't talk to him until Sept 3rd, but I am assuming. I still have two hernias that I need to deal with.  They don't bother me that much, but when I am active, they can be pretty painful.  I do get worried about all these procedures.  Funny, before my appendectomy I hadn't had as much as a broken bone.  Now, I have had more Dr. visits and surgeries in the last 3 years than I have had my whole life.  G...

 I can't believe I hadn't used that song before today.  Seems strange.  I am wearing a hat and hood because my head is cold.  We have gotten to the point in summer where the mornings are under 60 and pushing into the low 50s.  Also, sun rise isn't until 6:14 AM - I really dislike winter, but I will need to find somethings that keep me busy so that I don't get as depressed as I did last winter. I looked back to my post surgery post 2 years ago (I didn't actually post for sometime after surgery so I guess I was pretty laid up).  I was worried about whether I would beat this shit and I still am, but I am also still here.  The funny thing is, I am still in the same place.  Shrinking liver tumors, hoping they can remove them all.  Story of my life I guess, shrinking tumors, hoping they can remove them all. Well, the dogs are scratching the door.  Time for my morning walk I guess. I love you all!

  It's been a couple weeks.  It looks as if I have beaten the norovirus as I am feeling much better which helps with my spirits.  Being sick while having cancer is not fun.  I had scans last week and things looked OK.  No new tumors, shrinking tumors, and the ablation zone is fully healed with no tumors.  All good news.  I won't be sure where we care headed until we meet with the oncologist and the interventional radiologist, but for now, I am taking this as a kind of win. I think with results like this and I think back to when this started, if I stay healthy I should get at least another 2 years which I will take considering how I felt just last month. I think all of this is weighing heavily on Tiffany.  I worry about her.  Between me and the girls, she has her hands full.  I try to be helpful around the house, dishes and cleaning, but I'm not as spry as I used to be. Well, I need to get to work. I love you all!

 Well, another week, more chemo.  I suppose at this point I can say I'm better than last treatment.  The chemo messes with my gut, but it isn't as bad as it has been in the past couple so maybe I am getting past this norovirus.  I have been feeling bad about not being a very good husband.  I try to keep up around the house and do my fair share, but I just don't feel like I am showing Tiffany enough love.  I am not sure how I can as she has done so much for me that I can't think of any way that I can give back to her the sacrifices and work she has done for me.  I'm trying. The sunrises have gotten to the point that it is nearly 6 AM before it gets light outside.  This time of year always depresses me.  The evenings are fine as it starts to get cooler and that is great for us sleeping and not running the AC all night, however it signals to they fact that soon we will be locked into the house as no one likes winter here. The gardening is going ...

 The morning sun rise is getting pretty close to 6 AM.  The dreaded end of summer is coming and it makes me sad.  How did it get to be the end of July?   I just started to feel a bit better and of course it is time for chemo again.  I am terrified that the chemo is no longer working, but I won't know until late next week as next scans are up.  I think all in all we removed on treatment cycle, but we dropped the pump as it would seem that the chemo was injuring my liver to a point that it is counter productive I guess.  The oncologist commented in his notes that a continued reduction in dosage is not possible as we already have a low dose. Things in the house are going well.  I keep thinking we should be doing more "fun" things, but then I don't know what those are.  I mean I still have to work full time and then we travel to NJ every two weeks, so when would I be doing anything fun.  Takes a good 7 days to recover from chemo, then it is ...

 I need to start writing in this blog more often.  I took the picture at the top of the blog yesterday during one of my walks.  The weed is growing well and luckily yesterday's storm didn't hurt the plant as it was blowing really hard.  I need to tie up the larger of the plants to keep it from getting injured accidentally. So things have been going ok.  My gut just always seems to hurt any more.  I'm not sure if it is the chemo, the cancer, or just all of that shit combined, but it makes me grumpy most of the time.  I really haven't felt well in a long time (months).  There are times I get spurts of energy or where I feel ok, but most of the time I am dizzy and my stomach is cramping.  Not to mention the pain in my right side which feels a lot like the original pain that brought me to the doctor 2.5 years ago.  I fear the liver tumors are no longer under control, but I won't know until August 1st (ish). I find that I am now almost always...

 It has been such a long time since I have written and that is probably because my mornings are spent outside gardening and wandering.  Anything but work, you know?  Things have taken a bit of a turn and my oncologist's notes are beginning to talk about management more than curative items.  Not that he ever said cure, but you can read between the lines. The inevitable happened and I picked up a virus.  The stomach flu (norovirus) of all things.  Just what the guy with bad insides needed.  I ended up in the hospital a couple of times due to dehydration and I think I am past it now, but I had to have it for about a month or more. Things around the house are good, I have the gardening going well and have expanded beyond the raised beds and I am moving into landscaping.  I am trying to make hardy zone 5 flowering landscaped to attract the bees and other pollinators to the yard.  My grapes and blackberries are doing ok, but I am battling the shit ...

 Morning!  Too early to do my outside routine yet (still have a good 1/2 hour ).  The dogs got me up at 4 AM so here I am inside.  I did the NJ trip and as expected we didn't do chemo yesterday as I didn't feel up to it.  I am starting to really feel better, but it was probably the best move as I feel sometimes like I am still suffering from that virus.   Things are moving along, I am going to see my family on the 4th.  Other than my mom and Matt, I haven't seen any of them.  We were trying not to get sick and of course, I get sick traveling back and forth to NJ (or at work).  Why do I know it is those two places?  Because I don't go anywhere else! It is funny, because I really don't feel like going anywhere (except the bathroom at the moment). Well, I need to run ;) I love you all!

 The last 3 days I have felt much better.  I put myself through a regimen of bland food and loperamide until I was able to handle other food.  I even had a small amount of red meat at the end of the week.  My gut is a little out of whack this morning, but I did that by eating too much while massively stoned yesterday.  Felt good to be hungry. I was really worried I was getting sick from the cancer and not some virus.  I have to remember that the cancer (as far as we know) is not impacting my health.  It is the treatment and subsequent past surgical complications that make me feel yucky.  The next time I feel sick, I need to resist assuming it is the cancer or the chemo (I think chemo helped, but I was sick, because I was sick). I have been pretty lucky to not have caught any viruses up to this point to be honest. Things have been going ok, the garden is slowly coming alive and I have big plans that I probably will never get to, but I have plans al...

  Today is the first day in a long time when I feel ok.  I hope I am on the downside of this virus.  Based on how I have been feeling, I think I have been struggling with this virus and dehydration for some time.  I know that I'm feeling better as I want to have things like hamburgers, sausages, and the like. My stomach is still crampy and my bowels - let's not even go there, but I am not feeling so sick, and that is important.  Felling so ill lately really made me feel as if maybe I wasn't doing so well against the cancer and I don't feel like that today.  Today, I feel like I could do things - this is good! I think once I get through this virus I am going to suggest to Tiffany that we start doing our Saturday or Sunday afternoon eat out thing.  I feel bad that she has to be locked up in the house with me all the time. In all honesty, the last few weeks had me feeling like I was losing this fight, now I know that I just had a bad round. Well, time to ...

  So, I have pretty sick.  I have been in the hospital a couple times, dehydration, etc...  Turns out I have norovirus.  On top of the BS with my bowels sucking already, I get a flu that tears through your insides.  I am just starting to feel a tiny bit better, but I'm told due to my low immunity it could take some time.  Speaking of my low immunity, my WBC count was so low that I had to get a shot for it.  This may explain why I was so sick with that virus, but who knows. Honestly, I was feeling so sick that I told Tiffany we need to start having some serious conversations.  My body is getting pretty weak.  I am down to 177 lbs again and most of my muscle tone is nearly gone.  I am starting to "look sick" or at least to me.  People tell me I don't look ill, but it is hard to look in the mirror and not see a sick man.   I am trying not to lose the mental game, but the whole thing is so daunting.  With me starting to feel b...

 Listening to the Sundays this morning on the morning summer deck (my happy place).  Here's Where the Story Ends seems to be fitting for me the last few days.  I have a norovirus, I suppose it was inevitable until I picked up a virus that most people kick in 2-3 days and it is causing me misery. I have been trying to keep my energy up and keep my garden growing.  I suspect this virus has been slowly attacking me and I have not been able to recover appropriately.  My white blood cell count has been low in the last few blood tests, so I did get some meds to help stimulate my white blood cell production.  Unfortunately, there is no treatment for norovirus except time.  This treatment cycle was Hell and I spent two days in the hospital (again).  I was really sick on the way home from treatment and turned colors I've never seen on my body.  I really hope that I don't go out this way, with a fucking viral infection.  So, I choose not to damn i...

  Back to NJ today.  It beats going to NYC for sure, but I really do hate chemo.  I have been feeling weird as of late.  A lot of pain in my gut, a lot of loperamide, and just not feeling all too hot.  I have been able to get out of the house and get some things done.  I have some new plants growing in the flower beds (I hope we get to see some flowers this season) and I have some MJ plants everywhere.  I am having a bit of an avid issue so I may order some lady bugs (or other predator like the brown lacewing).  I may have flea beetles though and I am not sure if the lacewings will eat them. Any how, I am cold and going to head back inside.  Besides, I need to charge this laptop. I love you all!

 So, it is another cool morning hence the two hoodies.  I really can't explain how much I enjoy sitting out on the deck on these summer mornings with the classical music playing lightly, the birds singing loudly, and the dogs barking at whatever the dogs bark at. I really do love this deck and the home Tiffany and I have built.  It's a mess, it needs a major overhaul, but it is our chaos and mess. My health has been a bit of a mess.  I have found that I really can't eat much of anything with fat.  It causes me to have some serious digestive issues.  I try to eat better, but it is hard.  I should be making food for Tiffany and I to make sure we are both eating better, but I am so tired by dinner time.   I wish I could do more outside of the house, but I just never know how my insides are going to feel from day to day.  For instance the last couple of days I have been in the bathroom more times than I could count.  If I'm out of the house,...

  I always talk about the doldrums, but that is somewhat of a broken record now isn't it.  Is cancer just one long period of depression and then you die?  Don't get me wrong, I am content.  I have the love of a wonderful woman, great caring children, generally good pets, and a little garden.  What else could one ask for? In all honesty, at this point I just don't know what my status is.  I am getting to the point that I realize I will most likely never be in remission and I have come to terms with that.  I am hoping to squeeze out 5 more years.  This way I get Tiffany reality close to the point where she can be on both social security and medicare.  I don't think, but can be hopeful that I make 7 years which would easily get her to a point where our savings and her SS/medicare will carry her through. I am happy that we are now into spring/summer.  I get so depressed in the winter.  I have sat outside the last few mornings and it has...