Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Morning!  Too early to do my outside routine yet (still have a good 1/2 hour ).  The dogs got me up at 4 AM so here I am inside.  I did the NJ trip and as expected we didn't do chemo yesterday as I didn't feel up to it.  I am starting to really feel better, but it was probably the best move as I feel sometimes like I am still suffering from that virus.   Things are moving along, I am going to see my family on the 4th.  Other than my mom and Matt, I haven't seen any of them.  We were trying not to get sick and of course, I get sick traveling back and forth to NJ (or at work).  Why do I know it is those two places?  Because I don't go anywhere else! It is funny, because I really don't feel like going anywhere (except the bathroom at the moment). Well, I need to run ;) I love you all!

 The last 3 days I have felt much better.  I put myself through a regimen of bland food and loperamide until I was able to handle other food.  I even had a small amount of red meat at the end of the week.  My gut is a little out of whack this morning, but I did that by eating too much while massively stoned yesterday.  Felt good to be hungry. I was really worried I was getting sick from the cancer and not some virus.  I have to remember that the cancer (as far as we know) is not impacting my health.  It is the treatment and subsequent past surgical complications that make me feel yucky.  The next time I feel sick, I need to resist assuming it is the cancer or the chemo (I think chemo helped, but I was sick, because I was sick). I have been pretty lucky to not have caught any viruses up to this point to be honest. Things have been going ok, the garden is slowly coming alive and I have big plans that I probably will never get to, but I have plans all the same.  I took this picture of the

  Today is the first day in a long time when I feel ok.  I hope I am on the downside of this virus.  Based on how I have been feeling, I think I have been struggling with this virus and dehydration for some time.  I know that I'm feeling better as I want to have things like hamburgers, sausages, and the like. My stomach is still crampy and my bowels - let's not even go there, but I am not feeling so sick, and that is important.  Felling so ill lately really made me feel as if maybe I wasn't doing so well against the cancer and I don't feel like that today.  Today, I feel like I could do things - this is good! I think once I get through this virus I am going to suggest to Tiffany that we start doing our Saturday or Sunday afternoon eat out thing.  I feel bad that she has to be locked up in the house with me all the time. In all honesty, the last few weeks had me feeling like I was losing this fight, now I know that I just had a bad round. Well, time to get back at it. I

  So, I have pretty sick.  I have been in the hospital a couple times, dehydration, etc...  Turns out I have norovirus.  On top of the BS with my bowels sucking already, I get a flu that tears through your insides.  I am just starting to feel a tiny bit better, but I'm told due to my low immunity it could take some time.  Speaking of my low immunity, my WBC count was so low that I had to get a shot for it.  This may explain why I was so sick with that virus, but who knows. Honestly, I was feeling so sick that I told Tiffany we need to start having some serious conversations.  My body is getting pretty weak.  I am down to 177 lbs again and most of my muscle tone is nearly gone.  I am starting to "look sick" or at least to me.  People tell me I don't look ill, but it is hard to look in the mirror and not see a sick man.   I am trying not to lose the mental game, but the whole thing is so daunting.  With me starting to feel better (at least in the AM) I am getting a litt

 Listening to the Sundays this morning on the morning summer deck (my happy place).  Here's Where the Story Ends seems to be fitting for me the last few days.  I have a norovirus, I suppose it was inevitable until I picked up a virus that most people kick in 2-3 days and it is causing me misery. I have been trying to keep my energy up and keep my garden growing.  I suspect this virus has been slowly attacking me and I have not been able to recover appropriately.  My white blood cell count has been low in the last few blood tests, so I did get some meds to help stimulate my white blood cell production.  Unfortunately, there is no treatment for norovirus except time.  This treatment cycle was Hell and I spent two days in the hospital (again).  I was really sick on the way home from treatment and turned colors I've never seen on my body.  I really hope that I don't go out this way, with a fucking viral infection.  So, I choose not to damn it! Speaking of gardening, here are so

  Back to NJ today.  It beats going to NYC for sure, but I really do hate chemo.  I have been feeling weird as of late.  A lot of pain in my gut, a lot of loperamide, and just not feeling all too hot.  I have been able to get out of the house and get some things done.  I have some new plants growing in the flower beds (I hope we get to see some flowers this season) and I have some MJ plants everywhere.  I am having a bit of an avid issue so I may order some lady bugs (or other predator like the brown lacewing).  I may have flea beetles though and I am not sure if the lacewings will eat them. Any how, I am cold and going to head back inside.  Besides, I need to charge this laptop. I love you all!

 So, it is another cool morning hence the two hoodies.  I really can't explain how much I enjoy sitting out on the deck on these summer mornings with the classical music playing lightly, the birds singing loudly, and the dogs barking at whatever the dogs bark at. I really do love this deck and the home Tiffany and I have built.  It's a mess, it needs a major overhaul, but it is our chaos and mess. My health has been a bit of a mess.  I have found that I really can't eat much of anything with fat.  It causes me to have some serious digestive issues.  I try to eat better, but it is hard.  I should be making food for Tiffany and I to make sure we are both eating better, but I am so tired by dinner time.   I wish I could do more outside of the house, but I just never know how my insides are going to feel from day to day.  For instance the last couple of days I have been in the bathroom more times than I could count.  If I'm out of the house, it is hard to plan for such thin

  I always talk about the doldrums, but that is somewhat of a broken record now isn't it.  Is cancer just one long period of depression and then you die?  Don't get me wrong, I am content.  I have the love of a wonderful woman, great caring children, generally good pets, and a little garden.  What else could one ask for? In all honesty, at this point I just don't know what my status is.  I am getting to the point that I realize I will most likely never be in remission and I have come to terms with that.  I am hoping to squeeze out 5 more years.  This way I get Tiffany reality close to the point where she can be on both social security and medicare.  I don't think, but can be hopeful that I make 7 years which would easily get her to a point where our savings and her SS/medicare will carry her through. I am happy that we are now into spring/summer.  I get so depressed in the winter.  I have sat outside the last few mornings and it has really helped with my mental state.  

  It's cold this morning.  After all those 80 degree days and warm mornings, I got a little spoiled and forgot it is still spring in Upstate NY.  However, I am not letting it stop me from spending a small portion of my morning prior to work enjoying the outdoors.  A cup of coffee with some music.  Today's music is of course birds with an album I bought years ago, 25 Intimate Chamber Favorites.   You know, I have wrinkles on my face, I'm supposed to.  I don't see them as a sign of age, but rather wisdom.  Each one a lesson in something important, love, compassion, humility, courage, and forgiveness.  Without the years that carved them, I wouldn't be the person I am.  And I for one, have grown to like that man - I think, some others have too. Well, it is really cold out here and I should be getting inside to eat and other things. I love you all!

  Sitting outside this morning again!  Doing my walk in the morning, exploring the yard, my little gardens, and sitting outside with the dogs at our home, this is my shit; seriously being with my family and nature in this place is so clearly where I am at peace with everything. This is what I sent to Tiffany: There were lots of birds this morning, some new ones: Easter Phoebe, Chestnut-sided Warbler, Easter Meadowlark, Easter Towhee.  I don't know why recording those birds makes me happy.  I guess because we tried to build a place for birds, so, it makes me happy when they are here.  Sitting out here listening to Handel's Water Music, the birds, the wind chimes, all while looking out at our field puts me at peace.  This is my heaven, our life, our little slice of the universe, it's right where I am supposed to be. I really love it here.  I suppose most people are content with what they've built with the ones they love and take some pride as they walk through it, but I r

  I know I haven't written here in a while.  I was in a bad place about my condition and treatment.  Return to chemo kicked my ass, Tiffany has been stressed and depressed about all this, and I wasn't feeling too well.  I worked last Saturday in the yard and then was sick the entire week and spent two days in the hospital.   However, I worked my ass off in the yard yesterday and too be honest got to a point where I thought I was going to pass out (Tiffany doesn't know this and might read this someday and get made at me :) I love you honey).  The truth is I had the pain in my gut, but I countered it with loperamide, binding food, liquids, vitamins, etc...  the hospital stay clicked something in me again to remind me that I am not going to take this shit lying down.  I am strong and I will be the man I am until I truly can't physically do it any longer and that time is not now. I am currently out on the deck, it is a little chilly, but it feels good to be outside again.  

  You should really watch this video:  https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ?si=LiBnzIls-xdSXxN5 It is getting to the morning walk days (two in a row) and I am really enjoying that.  I feel like shit, I don't know if it my nerves, spring allergies, or the cancer - maybe all three.  Either way, I don't feel well.  I know my sugar is messed up (hard to eat the BRAT diet and not mess up your sugar - it's all carbs).  I have been bad about the sugary snacks so I have to get better about that. I looks like we are going back to full blown chemo and I think I am ok with that.  It has kept me stable over the last 2 years and I just need a couple more to hopefully get Tiffany in a better retirement place.  Between my savings, pensions, and life insurance, she should be ok especially once she can draw SS. I'd like to make it much longer, but I would say realistically I have 3 to 5 if we don't get the liver under control (and I may be over shooting there). Well, time to walk the pup-pu

It's Christmas in May? Nah, just have that song stuck in my head.  Not sure why, I just do.  I am no longer in the doldrums, I am now lost at sea.  My scans came back with 4 tumors in the liver (again).  Some seem to be the same location that we had ablation.  I don't know if they are scare remnants or whether they are tumors, but according to the scan there is a new one that is 1cm in size.  It didn't exist in the last scan so that means in less than 2 months, that tumor started and is now a cm in size.  This scares me. I am beginning to lose hope on all of this; and that is the bad thing.  I had for sometime had this thought process that I would miraculously beat this thing and a part of me still believes that, but the negative thoughts are beginning to win. I think that my depression causes issues in the house and brings everyone down.  I have put everyone's life in limbo.  It is not really fair that no one gets to do anything because of me.  2.5 years of running bac

 It's been a while since I wrote anything.  Definitely, I am in the doldrums of cancer.  I thought I was before, but this is far more it.  I am not getting active treatment, not sure if I have any more tumors in my liver nor do I have any idea what we do next.  I suppose I need to push a bit more on the oncologist come the week after next (when we meet). I have a day of scans on the 1st, so I should have some information, but I feel I will be in whack-a-mole for the rest of my life.  See a tumor, burn the tumor.  I suppose I should have started this entry with "I shot the sheriff" as we will "kill it before it grows" or at least try to. I suppose my problem is I feel stuck.  My bowels don't let me do much.  In fact, I go from constipation to can't stop going with little to no reason.  I pretty much eat the same things every day.  I guess I should keep up a journal or something to track that.  If only I had some way to write down or log everything I eat (

 I decided not to go into work this morning.  I am not sure what is up with me, but I am losing my drive and I'm having a hard time keeping myself in a good place.  It is hard to figure out "what to do" as I have begun to realize that my entire being over the last couple of years has been work.  Happy hour after work, drinking on the weekends with friends from work, work, work, work... There is another theme in that paragraph - drinking.  Looking back, I must have been drinking every day (other than January when I took my required break).  It is hard for me to try and totally change who I am, but I need to figure out what to do with myself.   All of this is difficult as my insides are still difficult.  I have cramps in my midsection, most days and you never know when it is going to be time to go.  This makes planning or doing anything pretty hard.  Lastly, I have overspent in the last couple of years so spending money (like going out to eat) is pretty much off the table.

 I have realized that I am somewhat bored with everything.  Seriously, the internet bores me, social media (which is the internet) bores me, my games bore me, I have no real motivation about much of anything at the moment.  I have been trying to learn Java, but the class starts out way too rudimentary for me.  I need to find something that excites me, but I am having a hard time. I usually start gardening about now, but even that doesn't have my attention.  I guess I am a little depressed about money, about cancer, etc...  The cancer has me nervous as I never really know my status.  I suppose I am just going to have to enjoy life from scan to scan for the rest of it.  Watching Jason go down so quickly has been somewhat depressing (Jason is a fellow CRC sufferer from Canada). I wonder if this is how all older people feel.  Does life just drag on?  I think if my bowels weren't such a shit show that things might be different for me, but I spend most days (when I am out of the hous

  I have been in a really bad funk lately.  I am not sure why I lost a lot of my hope, but I suppose it is just a function of time.  I have had too much time to think about it, I have been in the limbo between cancer and no cancer for a while, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.   I suppose I had mentioned that the ablations were a success in the minds of the radiologist, but they got "everything they could see" and that last line makes all the difference.  I should be celebrating the fact that I have had all this time to be with Tiffany and the girls, and don't get me wrong, I cherish that fact that I have had time and as I have written before, I have never felt so loved. It seems obvious that I should keep this blog up better as the writing is cathartic.  I just lack a serious amount of motivation and it has to do with the constant waiting.  I never know where I am at in this process.  Someone asked me at work what the oncologist thought my chances were an

 Yes, that is War Games playing behind me :) Today is the near full eclipse here in Upstate NY.  Though we have a trip to NJ to do pump maintenance, we are going to stay and watch the eclipse before we leave for the day.  I have been in a funk lately and having a hard time finding joy in anything.  I through myself so hard into work the 10 years before my cancer diagnosis that I don't know what else I enjoy.   I lost a fellow cancer sufferer the other day.  He went pretty quickly once he went into managed hospice.  It is depressing to watch.  Jason was NED at one time, or at least thought he was.  I am glad that we never settled in too hard on the clear CT scans as I would be even more depressed than I already am.  It is really hard at times to find great joy when you are uncertain about your health. I suppose I should understand that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow.  I know about the infamous bus that might hit you, but mine is slowly driving down the road and I can't get out

 It's been a while since I posted (I say that every post now), but I don't seem to have the morning time I used to and I am not certain why (going to work I guess).   I have been plugging along.  Getting back to the shitty routine of work and weekends, with a mix of NJ travel.  It has been since October since I had systematic chemo and I'm on my first of at least two pump breaks.  I just had liver ablations done (6 hour procedure) and they say they got everything they could see, which tells me they have been down this path before (burn out what they can see, but the little ones are still growing).   Either way, this gives me more time, and I hope they got it all.  I have scans on May 1, so I will know somethings then.  It is all just a wait and see game; which I no longer want to play. The family is doing well (I guess).  I feel like I put everyone's life in limbo, because I kind of did.  I am going to try and get my ass in gear this summer and do stuff, but we will see

  I wasn't going to write this morning.  I haven't written in a bit and even when I have it wasn't anything of value.  I have been kind of floating hoping for good news, maybe thinking I would wake up and all of this was a bad dream.  However, I wouldn't know what I know now without this experience.  How much my wife loves me, how important I am to my family, how much I truly want to live. Today, we are on our way back to NYC for a liver ablation procedure.  It should be nothing like the surgeries before as they will not be cutting me open fully, but I am still concerned.  The last surgery was difficult and I was really sick.  Recovery was difficult and I don't want to go through that again, but I will, and I always will, to be with my family. So, I suppose I am writing this to tell you all how much I love you and how thankful I am to have spent my life with you.  I know I existed before us, but I didn't know life or love until I had this family. I love you all!

  The washed out brightness of my UV Happy Light.  I would be lying if I said I was "happy".  I find a little contentment now and then.  I am a little better than yesterday.  I am trying to exercise a bit every morning and that seems to be helping.  I really need to find something to do that keeps my active or my brain busy, but then I feel like I am ignoring Tiffany.  It is a difficult balance as when I have too much time, I think about cancer. Well, I actually want to play a little Minecraft this morning so cutting this short. I love you all!

  Yes, it is that time of year where I am wearing the same sweatshirt for a couple days.  Live with it.  I guess I felt a little better yesterday, or I just ignored everything.  I am not eating as much which seems to help with the gut.  I am trying to motivate myself back to getting some exercise (did a bit yesterday morning) and it seems to help.  If anything it gets the adrenaline running which helps. They verbally told me that I have a procedure on the 14th of this month, but they haven't put it on my calendar.  I am getting very worried about the possibility that they won't be able to do it based on tumor location or size.   You know I don't ask this a lot, but why did this happen to me?  Not the best question to ask yourself when starting your day, but it is a valid question.  I could list all the things I did wrong in life or how badly I was taking care of myself, but there are those that are well beyond me.  I suppose anyone with cancer would ask that question.  I me

 I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.  I have been bad about it.  You think you are in the doldrums at the beginning of treatment, but it is nothing like when you are two years in.  I am so depressed.  My gut hurts every day, I feel sick with no real explanation for why I feel sick.  I am sure it is a combination of my gut not working right anymore and my depression, and the upcoming procedure, and...  You get the point. And yes, upcoming procedure.  I was so happy when they thought there was nothing.  My doctors even thought the same as one of them said, "I make them look good".  The liver surgeon didn't trust the CT, had and MRI, and bam - you still have cancer.  I'm fucking tired of it all.  The trips, the loneliness of illness, just fucking all of it. I am trying to be positive, I but on a good show for people outside the house.  I pretend to feel better and to be extremely positive, but the longer we get at this, the more scared I become. There are a lot of

  As of yesterday, it has been two years since I started writing this mess.  I tried to read some of the old posts, but you can tell I didn't proof read them :)  This is really just a brain dump at the time.  Sometimes, I talk about things that matter and others I just update my status.  The whole purpose of this blog was so my family could look back on it later and know how much I loved them and what I was thinking/feeling at the time.  I think you get the frustration from the entries and that I think about my wife and kids a lot. I have been struggling lately with motivation, what I should be doing, etc.  I spent most of my life combining family and socialization items with alcohol, so it is hard for me to think of "what did I used to do".  When I really give it some thought, my early youth was sports as often as possible, early video games (think Atari), and then hanging and drinking with friends.  My middle years were basically, working (and deployments), outdoor item

  So, in two days, it will be two years since I started this blog as a memory dump for my family.  At the time, I was not working on good news from the DR's of the time.  Well, two years later, I have just had a clean colonoscopy, but I still have some tumors in the liver.  My body has paid the price for all of this, but I am not complaining (at least not all the time).  I get to be with my family, I can still work and care for them, and if ablation is possible and goes well I see a point where I might be cancer free or at least given even more time. I get depressed, I think that is natural considering; and I am amazingly tired at times which is probably the result of the ground hog's day of treatment with no end in sight.  We have been told there will be a break in my treatment and hopefully those travel days don't get usurped by different days associated with ablation, but we will see.  Both Tiffany and I are tired.  The 8 weeks of a break isn't going to make anything

 I have to admit, I am kind of lost.  After months of thinking that I was improving or stable, they found more tumors in my liver on an MRI.  Seems the CT scan is not the best test for the liver.  There has been so much going on at home and so much to do with treatment (travelled three weeks straight) that I am just burnt out.  Where before I was trying to fill myself with hope, I am not filled with uncertainty and doubt.  Everyone around me is depressed and I feel like I am the cause of all of it. I have decided to take a break in chemo in the pump.  Not sure if it is a good idea and the DR didn't help with the answer, but the constant trips have been causing churn.  Tiffany cried the other week because she didn't want to drive in the weather, Maeve won't let us leave the house at the same time, and I am so stressed about everything that my head is about to explode. I am not even sure what to do on most days.  I was trying to think of what I did before cancer and the answe

  It seems like a long time since I wrote anything, but it really hasn't.  I used to do this everyday, but days seem rushed any more, like they used to.  I keep thinking I have so much to do, but I really don't.  I really don't know if relaxed for me means nothing to do.  I think sometimes keeping busy keeps my mind from thinking too much.   I have an MRI next week since the CT didn't see any tumors in my liver.  I am terrified as I am extremely hopeful that I could get through this.  I know that eventually some day I will pass.  I know that it most likely won't be on my terms, because who really wants to go right? My bowels are still all kinds of fucked up.  It feels like there is a ball of gas in there everyday and that I have to go, but...  You get the point.  The colonoscopy is the two weeks from then and following that I have treatment into March where I will get another scan.  If that is clear, I go on a break for at least 8 weeks - no travel, no treatment - I

  I know I haven't been very good about keeping this up.  I get in the summer as I am outside as soon as I can be, but winter isn't like that.  I was working a little harder on work stuff, but that has started to wane.  I really am in the doldrums and I am not sure how to get out.  My gut has been killing me the last couple of days (feel like I am blocked up).  With Tiffany's dad passing she has been more depressed than normal about all this.  Tiffany's day (and rightfully so) over shadowed my news that the CT scans showed no signs of cancer.  Of course I still have an MRI and colonoscopy to really know.  And do you really know?  It is just a cell, so small...  I get concerned that it is floating around my body somewhere just getting ready to start all this BS again.  We still have almost constant travel to NJ for the next few weeks as though we have an MRI and the colonoscopy, we still have treatment until the end of March and then testing again.  If all goes well, and

 We got wonderful news this week.  My CT scans show no signs of cancer.  My CT scans show no signs of cancer.  I had to write it twice to let it sink in.  2 years of all of this and I was getting so tired.  This is the shot in the arm I needed.  I say that as I don't think this game/war/battle is over.  I don't think it ever will be, but I will take this pause, armistice, or whatever it is.  All in all, it is a win. I am not going to let myself get too excited, but I am also going to start being better about what I eat (more so how much of it) and continue to be good about the alcohol.  By bloodwork and other tests are all normal and I aim to keep it that way. The one thing that all of this has made evidently clear was how much Tiffany loves me and how much I desperately love her.  I am not lying when I say that if it wasn't for her and the girls I can't guarantee I would have pushed through this as aggressively as I have.   Well, I have to make some breakfast and clean