I said go if you wanna go... October 23, 2024


 

So, the path before me is getting a little narrow.  For the first time my oncologist seems more negative about my status than positive and my treatment options are narrowing.  I have unfortunately, told Tiffany that is time for us to start getting serious about our conversations on estate planning etc.  I hate that I am causing everyone so much pain and that there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Cancer fucking sucks, it robs you of your daily life and then it leaves your family with a memory of you as a sick person.  I don't want to be remembered as a cancer patient, I want to be remembered as a good father and a loving husband.

I miss the old me, but what I don't miss is being at work all day.  I don't miss trying to climb a corporate ladder or making a lot of money.  I changed jobs to have time with Tiffany and the girls.  Honestly, that still happened and I wouldn't swap that time for anything.  Many times we were all just sitting in the living room, but I have been present and around them more since I changed jobs and got diagnosed than I had in a long time.  

Maybe that is the brightest thing about all the shit I have been through the last few years is that I saw the value of just being together.  Not spending money, not traveling, just being together.  Tiffany and I have always been good that way.  Just spending time on the deck together or watching some horrible movie (or all the horrible movies), it really doesn't matter as long as we are together.  

I lost my way for a bit, chasing title and money - I regret that, but I am beginning to understand the water under bridge statement.  You really can't go back and fix things so don't dwell on them.  Do the right thing once you know you weren't.  I am trying to do that now.  

Well, I'm going to get back to writing more now and I should get to actual work.

I love you all!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She said, she said, "You don't know shit because you've never been there"... March 24, 2024

Image
 It's been a while since I posted (I say that every post now), but I don't seem to have the morning time I used to and I am not certain why (going to work I guess).   I have been plugging along.  Getting back to the shitty routine of work and weekends, with a mix of NJ travel.  It has been since October since I had systematic chemo and I'm on my first of at least two pump breaks.  I just had liver ablations done (6 hour procedure) and they say they got everything they could see, which tells me they have been down this path before (burn out what they can see, but the little ones are still growing).   Either way, this gives me more time, and I hope they got it all.  I have scans on May 1, so I will know somethings then.  It is all just a wait and see game; which I no longer want to play. The family is doing well (I guess).  I feel like I put everyone's life in limbo, because I kind of did.  I am going to try and get my ass in gear this summer and do stuff, but we will see
Read more

There's something happening here... July 22, 2023

Image
  I'm in this picture :) It is getting sunny outside as I never got up until 7.  It was so nice to sleep from 9:30 until 7:00.  It really was the best night's sleep I have had in a long time.  Must have been all the weed, food, and Ambien :) Things have been going ok.  I am trying not to stress upcoming scans at the end of next month, but it is so hard.  Tiffany and Maeve will be heading to TN Sunday.  I really don't like it when Tiffany is not home, I get lonely after a couple of days.  She helps me relax as otherwise I am incapable for some reason.  I guess I just don't know what to do with myself. I have felt pretty good other than the bowel issues.  I am sometimes concerned that the bowel issues are associated with new colon tumors, but I have to be patient with my healing etc...  I know I should eat better, but I have this munchies issue when I get stoned.  I was able to not eat the other day when I was stoned and that was a step in the right direction.  Chemo made
Read more

March 6, 2022

Image
 Feeling a little lightheaded this morning.  Still I road the stationary bike for 20 minutes so I am keeping up my trend of getting up and stretching (yoga) and then exercising.  I have been having some pain in my chest, but I think that is just the stress of knowing that I am about 1 week away from starting chemo. The chemo they are giving me is for colorectal cancer, but is associated with prolonging life but not curing my cancer.  I am going to fight like hell to be the statistical anomaly that beats this thing.  Thank God for my family as I am not certain I would not fight as hard for myself as I will for them. It is supposed to be 67 degrees today so I am looking forward to getting outside.  It wasn't nice enough to get out yesterday and clean up the dog messes, but I will get to that earlier this morning.  It is already 40+ degrees outside so I am looking forward to having some windows open today. Squirt is currently sleeping on my right arm. He is such a baby.  I don't h
Read more