Old friends, old friends... November 12, 2024


 The computer camera does a poor job with the bright monitor light and the darker background.  I suppose I don't really care.  Things are just things.  I have been trying to not do social media or the news.  It is strange, because my day had become just constant small bits of time wasted on things that have no actual value.  Seriously, now that I am not just jumping on the social media or news sites, my mind is a mess.  It wants constant distraction rather than focus.  I wonder at which point in my life did I give in to the distraction impulses and stop actually focusing on things that matter.

As I think through my life I become angered with myself.  I focused on work too much, too much distraction, and not enough focus on the things that matter.  As it is I have a hard time with affection towards people (pets, not so much).  I have been a closed door most of my life and the more I think about it, my lack of willingness to let myself care or to even try to create deep connection (other than with you Tiffany).  Not sure if I was just concerned with being hurt emotionally (I do feel things quite deeply, I just hold them in like a fart on a crowded elevator).  I suppose that is why I get so angry as I keep everything in so when it does boil to the surface, it is boiling.

Either way, I am finding it hard to clear my head lately.  Too much fear and anxiety about what is to come for me.  I need to just focus on the now, enjoy this holiday with my family and continue to be the stubborn SoB that I am.  My problem is I am having an issue with finding joy and tranquility as my gut hurts/cramps nearly all the time now.  I am not really sharing this with Tiffany, she has enough to worry about.  I am not sure what is causing the pain.  Not certain if the chemo/surgeries have finally done enough damage in my digestive system to just be constantly painful or whether this is just some passing BS.  Anymore, I just don't know and the doctors aren't really helpful on this.  I suppose as far as cancer patients go I am doing ok?

Well, speaking of focus, I should get to working.

I love you all!

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