Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Don't stop believin' is such a good line for today.  In NJ for scans (and blood tests and chemo), I think I can "feel" my liver lately and that scares me.  It might just be gas in my intestines, but I am not sure.  I am so scared about these scans as I am moving farther away from initial diagnosis and that puts me in the bad zone.  This is why I need these scans to be stable or reduced size tumors.   Even if today's scans are bad I will continue to fight.  We haven't really had bad scans other than at the beginning.  They continued to shrink and disappear in the beginning so I am hoping that will be the case with today.  My bowels have been such a mess that I keep feeling like it is telling, but I suspect that this is all me getting back to normal from a bowel perspective and they told me it could take a while (1 year to 2 years).  It has only been 5 months since surgery so I have to stop being in a hurry.  My concern is that two weeks ago blood tests showed

  So today is the day we head to NJ for labs, scans, and treatment tomorrow.  I am hoping laying off the alcohol for 2 weeks helped the liver recover.  I guess I shouldn't drink during the FUDR portion of my treatment.  I was having some really chalky poo during that period so maybe the pump chemo is getting to be a bit much for the liver - who knows. I just ate a gummy at 6:13 AM to test it's potency.  We will see.  It should go well with the big cup of coffee I am drinking :)  Speaking of the weed, I have one good plant growing outside this year: I have gotten to the point that I expect bad news about my cancer situation.  Secretly, I am hoping for something amazing, but I need to be prepared for the bad news so that it doesn't sting as much. Well - time to get outside and water all the plants. I love you all!

 I am sitting outside this morning.  It is a little brisk (just above 60F).  I did a bit of work yesterday and my muscles are sore.  In fact, everything is sore because the dexamethasone has worn off so my old fucking joints are back to being my old joints.  I haven't got as much as I would like done on the garden as I would like.  I wouldn't say it is laziness.  I was up early yesterday and off to the dump before 8.  I'd say back outside at 11 after eating and making Maeve some breakfast and then I wasn't back in until at least 2:30 PM.   I got the dog pen mowed, the torches up and filled, the dog shit picked up, the front and side yards mowed, and the tree that was covering the road trimmed.  I also made a dinner of steak, scallops, and shrimp.  So I did something.   Most weekends have been like that.  I get things done, but I really don't have the strength to work all day which is what this garden endeavor in my head will require. This morning I sat on the bench

  That rouge eyebrow is powerful... So I am watching a video of Dion actually singing the Wanderer and the reserved nature of the video makes me laugh.  I think it is media such as that which makes Americans think that we had some kind of sweet and nice society back then.  All that media is staged and we should know that. Anyway, things are going well, the dark mornings are still eating at me and I still have this annoying pain in my side.  I suppose it could be gas or stool in my intestines, but it concerns me as that pain is why I went to the doctor in the first place.  It is going to be really sad if I have gone through all this surgery and tearing up my body only to be right back where I started from. Well, time to finish getting the truck loaded and walk the yard. I love you all!

 I look evil in the green glow...  I'm not evil.  I am tired though.  I have been needing to get more sleep than the 8 hours I am getting.  It is that time of year where it is dark when I go to bed and when I get up.  It causes me a little bit of depression.  As much as my skin can't handle the sun, my psyche needs it.   Things are going ok.  I am getting very anxious about the scans next week Tuesday.  With the pains I am having in my sides, I know it isn't gone.  I wish I could will it all away, but I know that I can't do that either.  I try to stay positive and there are times when I truly forget I have cancer, but they're rare.  I am trying to stay positive about working and normality in life, but it is hard.  It isn't that I don't like my job, I just don't feel like it is of value.  I want to do things around the house that have longer effects.  My family can look at them and think about me.  It is like all the mature trees (not the tweeds).  I plan

  Sunrise isn't until 6:20 this morning.  I miss the early sunrise and the warm summer mornings.  As much as I find autumn to be pretty, there is something about the summer mornings that are just perfect.  I get depressed in the winter, the darkness, the cold - it's depressing. Another person I knew from Man up For Cancer died again.  He was a CRC Stage IV patient as well.  He had been looking pretty sickly (thin and wasting) in his pictures.  Every time someone passes from this bullshit disease it scares the shit out of me.  I haven't felt well lately and I am hoping it is just the chemo, but the last blood tests scared me.  My liver function was way out of whack - and that was quick as two weeks ago it was perfect.  I suppose I shouldn't let it get to me as it has been out of whack in the past and I was just finishing up direct pump fed chemo. Well, I need to get outside and enjoy some of my morning.   I love you all!

  I actually have a grey shirt on, but due to the Hue lights, I look purple/red-ish.  It is beginning to be that time of year when it starts to get light too late and I won't be able to get a good walk in outside.  So depressing.   I have still been dealing with bowel issues.  In fact, they kept me up most of the night.  I need to stop eating so much (the weed doesn't help).  I am not sure if keeping to a good food schedule will help, but we will see.  I am just really tired of getting up all night to go. Things are going ok, but I am getting more worried about the end of the month.  On one hand it is a celebration of Maeve becoming an adult (21 years old) and the other it is the unknown scans.  I have been having the pain in my side again, but I am hoping it is just my bowels.  However, my bowels not working right scares me as well.  What if I have tumors in there again?  I don't know if the scans would see them, I think last time it was that it seemed enlarged???  I guess

  Wow, August 19th.  Nearly a year since 1st surgery and I am still going strong.  I was so scared a year ago, and I still am.  Every pain, every lightheadedness, every ailment, scares me into thinking that I don't have a lot of time, but I have to think about where I am and how I felt before.  I am not much different than I was a year ago.  I will take stability.  My worry is how much more my body can handle of chemo.  My blood tests were not so hot this last time around.  I may need to lay off the sugars again and start eating healthier - and the alcohol.  I started living like I used to as I really don't think it has much of an impact all things considered.  For God's sake I have heavy metal poisoning every two weeks. Other than the shit above, I think things are doing ok.  I get a little pain in my side, but I am pretty certain that is my bowels which are improving some.  Again, I worry too much that I am developing new rectal/colon cancers, but I don't know if I am

  The Honolulu scene makes everything red :)  It really isn't that red in here, but the camera sure does think so.  The dogs (Nala) got me up too early (4:30 AM) so I am a little tired at the moment.  Given that today is a travel to NJ day, it gives me some time to digest some food. Speaking of NJ, I have been feeling pretty good.  This is generally the case that I feel better when it is time for chemo again.  I don't really know whether I am getting better from a cancer perspective, but I am able to do things around the house that require energy and ability.  I was saying Sunday that I bet I have friends that aren't sick that can't do the physical work I've been doing.  This is all good, I just hate not knowing about the cancer or spread. I get scared that there is inevitability to my condition and I know that odds say so.  Tiffany and I don't talk about that and we are very positive that I will be defeating this thing.  I try to keep my hopes high and stand st

 So it is not officially dark most of the time when I get up :(    I don't like that we are getting into the cooler months.  I always feel like I have more to do and not enough time to do it.  However, lately I have been feeling pretty positive about beating this thing (or at least extending my time).  I have been able to do a lot of work - hard and strenuous work.  In my little mind it tells me I am not that sick, but let's face it, I am a bit stubborn when it comes to limitations with my body. All in all, I feel like I have got a lot of my strength back post surgery.  It took a bit, but two major abdominal surgeries in less than a year and the last one with complications - I'm doing alright. Tiffany and the girls are banging along and I know that Tiffany is as concerned about the end of the month scans as I am, but she is getting through it.  The whole thing can be a constant depression loop to be honest, but we are trying to keep things normal.   One normal thing is cook

That song in not on in the background of this video, but listening to the swing albums makes me think of it.  It was so funny the time I re-wrote the lyrics to talk about Maeve not napping.  I won't nap, don't ask me...  I haven't been feeling very well.  I try not to let Tiffany know, but I have been so lightheaded and dizzy combined with some nasty insides, I just feel like things are getting worse.  It could be my body is sick of the chemo.  I hope that is what the issue is and not that I have cancer in my gut or brain. I am going to try and get some work outside done today.  I bailed on work, I just can't keep my head in the game and it isn't fair to them that I just sit here staring at a screen.  If I am not working they shouldn't pay me. Well, I am going to get busy on the day. I love you all!

  I know that this morning's picture looks nearly exact to yesterday's, but the color scheme on the lights is different.  I am wearing the same sweatshirt, but it is that time of the year.  I write but a lot. Today's Joni Mitchell first line is because I have been falling in love with Tiffany every day.  I was so looking forward to retirement with her.  Spending time traveling, just being together, and making up for all those years when I could have been with her.  I suppose it says something that I have travelled the world and still ended up loving her right her at home.  Who knew I met the person for me at such a young age all those years ago (we did ;) )?  I don't know where I would be today without her, but it isn't just the help with things now that I am sick.  It has been all the things she has done for me throughout the years.  The love, the grounding, the friendship, the caring, all of it.  She is my best friend, lover, wife, and honestly the strongest, most

  I just ate a bagel thin and I wonder how long it will take until I have to run to the bathroom a thousand times.  It is beginning to be that time of year where I have to wear a sweatshirt in the mornings and it is dark in the AM.  I really miss my early morning walks when we get into the colder months with the shorter days. I have been kind of depressed about the cancer thing lately.  No major reason, the constant trips to the bathroom are weighing on me, but just a general feeling of malaise.  I am going to try and pry myself out of the funk today.  It gets harder the more I see people in my groups pass or get worse.  I am so scared that the current treatment isn't working and I will be like the others that have gone before me. However, I am not going to get any positive energy healing with that attitude.  I have to take some solace in the fact that I am able to do hard work (physical) and that I do, for the most part, have my mental faculties.  I guess it is a good thing that I

 Yes, I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday.  Considering I have been tossing and turning all night and I have been up since 4 with the dog, I am allowed some wardrobe recycling.  Yesterday was a good and bad day.  I got up, went shopping, made it home just in time, got the hydrangea bushes mulched, and made a dinner which I made Tiffany some smoked mushrooms instead of chicken.  The big issue I guess is that I can't get passed the lightheadedness.  The spinning brain thing is just constant and I hate it. I also need to get this gut under control, but I get stoned and then I eat too much, then my stomach hurts, you get the picture. Sometimes I feel a little better a few days after chemo, but it is getting worse as the number of chemo treatments increase.  I worry that right now, the chemo is doing more damage than the cancer.  What really sucks is you just don't know.  You go 2-3 months on chemo with no idea if it is working and then you go for scans - rinse and repeat with

Sorry I missed a few days.  I was pretty sick post chemo, but just starting to feel better today.  Good news from blood work as everything was back to normal.  I like that. The garden is looking good even after all the bugs on the brussels sprouts.  I am happy to see the grape vines back and the blackberry is spreading well (I'll need to try and take a cutting of that one). Am I being lazy just posting pictures... Pretty much, but it shows I am busy and doing things:

Day after chemo is hitting pretty hard.  My motivation level is super low and I am feeling a bit sick.  I could probably power through it, but I don't like half-assing my work day.  The later mornings are making my wake up and walk time later.  I don't like that, but it is what it is.  I am going to head out shortly and take some pictures to put on here.  So I'll be right back sunrise isn't for another 10 minutes so I should catch it popping up if it isn't too cloudy Here is a picture of my favorite plant from this morning: And here are some pictures from the flower/herb gardens: I think a got a lot of work done this summer thus far.  Not as much as I would like, but things are moving along in the yard. Well, going to get to work. I love you all!

 I don't know why Travelin' Man is stuck in my head.  Maybe because we are off to NJ for treatment again.  I suppose we could make these trips in one day if we wanted to, but we'd both be exhausted.  We already are when we spread it out over two days.  I am really tired of the chemo and the feeling bad.  I don't know if it is the chemo, the cancer, etc...  I would really like to have a week or two when I am just me.  No chemo, no dexamethasone, just me and see how I feel. I feel like I have lost myself to cancer at times, but then there are days when I really feel like I have found myself because of cancer.  Those are generally the days when I am home all day with Tiffany, get some time to be outside gardening/landscaping, and just being present.   Well, I am going to make a bite to eat even though I am not very hungry. I love you all!

I am blue today because I used the city of love scene on the Hue lights.  The sun is not rising until around 6 any more so we are definitely on the swing to fall.  I love Autumn, but there is so much I need to finish this summer still.  There is always next summer :) I am starting to get really nervous about the scans.  It is funny as other than the lightheadedness and the bowels, I don't really feel like I am sick.  I hope that means that the chemo is killing the cancer, but I can't tell you whether I felt the cancer back in the day.  I guess I did, I was bloated most of the time, had the pain in my side, etc...  I remember being at Epcot one night, we ran into a kid that worked in security at ZV (I forget his name).  I was so dizzy that I almost passed out on the bridge right before Mexico.  Should have known I was sick then, but I wrote it off to dehydration. As is the case everyday, it is time to get ready for work.  I so want to be retired.  I am tired and I don't want