Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 So here we are.  The end of April.  These last couple of months have been the worst of my cancer journey thus far.  I woke up feeling pretty sick to my stomach this morning.  Not sure why, but I probably have to stop pounding the cookies, ice cream, and milk at bed time. I'd like to write about how I am feeling better, but I just can't seem to push back the feeling that digestion in my system is destroyed.  Not sure if it was the ileostomy or the chemotherapy that finally did it in, but I don't expect to improve much.  Don't get me wrong, I hope to, but I don't expect it.  I pretty much eat to make everyone happy that I am eating, but nothing tastes good and the resulting bathroom trips suck ass. It would be nice to find a GI doctor that really wanted to figure it out and not just do more surgery or write me off. Well, I am going to try and lay down for bit. I love you all!

  So it is only day 3 with the new liver drains and I am done with them already.  I suppose I should start counting this in weeks and not days as that will probably make this go by a little easier.  Either way, I don't want them.  They make it hard to sleep, they are like annoying little bee stings most of the time, and downright hurt at others.  The lower drain makes it hard to take a deep breath (or at least that feels like where it is coming from). Things are going ok - kind of still in the doldrums of treatment/surgery/recovery.  It would seem all stands still until I get these damn drains out.  They are not acting like they should as upper and lower are not putting out enough (not even returning the flush amount) and middle is running like a river.  Of course I can't find any information as to what we do if this round doesn't work.  I just like to be in the know. Well, I am not much in the typing mood today.  I'm going to go check on Nala as she has yet to get up t

  So we got back from NYC yesterday.  Of course, Sloan put 3 new drains into my chest so there will be no respite from them for the next 6 weeks!  I am starting to feel a bit better especially in my head.  I have to return to work in a bit (couple of weeks I think) and I don't really want to, but I will. As far as work is concerned, I don't really know what I would do now to make me happy about working.  I really don't want to.  Now, don't think I am just being lazy.  I just want to be home with Tiffany and clean up the house and yard, but I want the ability to contribute to (right now I am just kind of a director of activities with all the tubes and wounds).  I want to make this house somewhere she can live if I am not able to kick this thing.  Not even that, I want it to be a place WE can live.  It is hard to keep things in order, because there is so much to do with the piles of shit before you can do the stuff coming in.  I'm not sure how it got this way, but I w

Today we are off to NYC again.  I was hoping to get the liver drains out, but it looks like they are going to be replaced.  We really aren't sure still and that is a little annoying, but not as annoying as dragging these drains around.  Getting septic again would be horrible so I will take the drains if they feel that is necessary.  I guess my big thing is the mobility and for the love of God showering! I have been able to eat a little more.  I am still not up to the number of calories I need to be and I am down to 175 lbs. My appetite is strange, but I at least am now to the point where I don't feel sick when I eat.  Now to get my bowels in order, but the question there is will I ever have my bowels in order again?  I suppose it beats dumping that damn bag every 30-60 minutes.  It would be nice if I could get to a point where bathroom trips are only every 2 hours :) Speaking of appetite, it is funny how much you miss things like dairy products or veggies.  All the bland starch

  First time my head has been clear since the surgery I think.  I don't generally wake up with the energy.  I feel pretty good this morning and want to go for my morning outside walk.  I wish I didn't have all these drains so I could start weeding out some crap from my flower areas and my veggie spots.  I also need to start some seeds and maybe I will do that today.  I think staying busy yesterday helped me feel better and maybe it is the idea of growing things (growing me?).  Either way, I feel good today and that I will take. So things at home are ok, I am a little upset that I am not healthy enough to take care of more and help Tiffany more.  It really is all about getting Tiffany some respite.  The girls have been needy as of late and wanting more money all the time and they just don't realize how strapped we are at the moment.  If it wasn't for Tiffany's mom, we would have a lot of credit card debt right now.  This treatment is so expensive (well the travel at

 Well, we went to Westchester yesterday and found that we are doing find from a ileostomy reversal wound perspective and that Tiffany is as good at dressing my liver drains as their nurse.  The good news (I think) is that the bilirubin test in the out put was normal which might mean that Tuesday they are going to take these damn things out. I am scared and excited all at the same time.  Scared as I don't ever want to be that sick again and excited as I want these damn things out of me.  I will be afraid at first that every lightheaded feeling or nausea will be a return to sepsis.  It was a scary experience in the hospital and I am sure terrifying at home.  Especially when every ambulance is 30 minutes away. I suppose I should get a little write up about what bacteria it was, what anti-biotic they used to treat, etc...  That way I may feel more at ease that Tiffany could just hand that to an emergency room Dr. I honestly cannot wait to take a proper shower - if they are getting remo

  So back in a hotel for an appointment with Sloan.  They are cheeking my liver drains today (I can't wait to get these things out so I am hoping the universe sees things in our way).  The drive here should have been easy, but my bowels are a pain in the ass.  This is the first time we have gone to Westchester for treatment. The hotel was nice (Hyatt) in White Plains and had a separate bedroom so that Tiffany could stay up late and I cold get up early without disturbing each other.  I wish I could sleep in.  I can barely stay asleep for 4 hours.  I have taken to using a 1/2 an Ambian when I wake up at 1:00 or 2:00 in order to put me back to sleep. Speaking of sleep - gonna go for a nap. Love you all! 

 So we are leaving for Westchester today for an appointment tomorrow AM.  They are going to look at the liver drains, re-dress, repair where necessary.  They are also going to do some tests to determine whether we can get them out on the 25th of April or whether they just replace them for another 5-6 weeks.  I really want them out.  They interrupt my sleep, scare the dogs, and they hurt.  Would like to just be back to healing and them being out of the way would be helpful. I still don't feel much like eating, especially in the morning.  It is funny as I used to wake up starving and now I feel sick to my stomach every morning.  I don't tell Tiffany about it, I just force food and hope that the sick stomach feeling is just going to go away.  I suppose my stomach is way better than it was when I couldn't eat at all without bloating and pain. Well, going to try to squeeze a nap before major packing time. I love you all!

 I know I haven't been keeping this up, I haven't been driven for much of anything.  I am not sure what happened to my strong positive attitude.  This last surgery and the sepsis really affected me mentally.  I'm afraid now, I felt some of my mortality and I didn't like it. Tiffany continues to be amazing and is taking care of me wonderfully.  I feel so bad for her and I wish there was more I could do to help her.  She has so much to do for the girls as well and all I do is sit on my ass and watch TV.  I try to do other things, but I get so tired so quickly.  I have begun to make most of my own meals and actually ate more yesterday than I had in some time.  That is part of my energy problem is I am not eating enough, but I'm also not allowed to eat anything of consequence while I am on the BRAT diet.  I really do hate bananas... I have been scared lately that I am not going to turn for the good after all this surgery struggle.  It sure would be nice to know what cau

  So I actually was a little clear headed this morning.  First time in a long time.  Not sure how I can keep the feeling going, but it is the best I've felt in sometime.  I am not going to write much as I need to finish the taxes, but I figured I would check in.   Maybe when I finish the taxes, I will will add an addendum (see how I feel then). I love you all!

  I slept 10 hours last night (or at least was in bed for 10 hours).  I was up a lot, but I think the bright point is that I was able to get comfortable and sleep (except for the massive headache).  It is looking more and more likely that some of the weed might be giving me a headache.  How sad is that?  My one respite from this bullshit and it may be causing me headaches. Anyhow...  I didn't write yesterday as I wasn't feeling well in the AM at all the night before last (which may explain how sleepy I was last night).  Night before last, I tried to sleep in the living room with the dogs (to give Tiffany a break) and it didn't work out well for my sleep.  I was also not able to get comfortable yesterday which didn't help either.  I have grown pretty tired of all the cables hanging out of my midsection so hopefully they come out when they scheduled (25th).  I'm terrified that the infection will come back right after they close them up, but I have to stop being so sca

 There is a special guest in this morning's picture.  She likes to harass me when the dogs are outside.  The dogs haven't been real interested in coming in lately.  I am not sure if they aren't used to me as I had been gone for too long or whether I just smell so bad with all the wounds and liver drains.  It bothers me a lot.   Enough about how upset I am about the dogs. I wonder at times if anyone will ever look up all the first lines of songs I put on these posts to see what they are (or listen to them?).  If you do this one, listen to the Tony Rich Project version even though it is a Babyface song, Tony Rich knocks it out of the park. I guess I am feeling a little better.  We went for a walk yesterday, I am not going to win any awards for endurance or speed, but I was up and moving right?  I look forward to being outside today again.  I haven't felt wonderful or anything, but I suppose I have to remember that I just got out of the hospital.  I am not sure if my sugar

Cancer treatment and the two surgeries have made me feel old (and look it I think).  I know that surgery was only a little under a month ago and that the subsequent BS was only 3 weeks ago, but you'd think I would be a little stronger.  I'm trying to some extent, but not sure what I should be doing with the drains in.  I am sure there is a balance between being too active and not active enough, I just need to find it. So I have gone from pooping too often to not being able to go.  I love my fucking insides!  I've had my 1/2 cup of coffee in the hopes to help things along.  We will see how that goes Tiffany continues to work all day taking care of me (and the girls).  I am so impressed by her selflessness and I continue to try and figure out a way to repay her that is not just jewelry or something such as that.  I need us to do something for her, but I will need to be healthy enough to deliver.  I thought maybe have the girls over some morning and clean the house, do the lau

  I need to cut my hair and trim my beard.  I am beginning to look older than I am with all that premature white hair. I'm having a cup of coffee today.  It may be a big mistake, but it tastes so good.  Caffeine is on the no-no list, but damn it I like my morning cup and I rarely even finish it, especially in the cold months and considering it is only 27 degrees this morning.  It is supposed to get really warm this week - 83 on Friday.  I can't wait to sit outside, walk my garden area, plan some new boxes, and just spend some time with Tiffany like normal.   I haven't felt normal since early May (for about a month) and I really forget what normal is.  I guess I just want to feel strong enough to take care of myself.  I want to be able to make a 2 hour car ride without feeling like I have to be afraid that every fart is me shitting myself (yesterday picking up Maeve and running around). Yesterday was a tough day for me, I was sitting in the chair looking out the front window

Well, it is that time of year when the sun is out by 8:00 and it is nice and bright.  I'm not complaining - I can't wait for the warmer weather.  I'm afraid to wear t-shirts around the kids as I don't think they realize how much weight I have lost.   The angle of this camera always makes me look like I am slouching. I'm not.  I probably am a little as it is my natural position (always has been).  It is why my back is always sore I guess.   I am starting to feel a little better.  My stomach where the drains are hurts all the time which is pretty annoying.  The dogs hate how I smell and they avoid me - this makes me really sad.  I can't (and haven't been able to) love them the way I want due to all this surgery and I miss my puppy loving.  Tiffany changed all my dressing for my drains yesterday.  I showered and scrubbed a few places prior to the dressing change and it was really nice to get things cleaned up.  I can't wait until I can just take a normal sh

A couple days at home and I am feeling better (to some extent).  I do feel a bit more alert (I'm writing this aren't I?) and things at the backside are improving.  I was able to eat quite a bit yesterday which was good for me.  I drank some Youngevity BTT2 which I shouldn't be doing according to the oncologist as there is too my anti-oxidant in that powder, but right now, while I am in desperate need for nutrition and I am in-between treatments, I need the extra fruits and veggies (powdered format) that come in the drink. I only weigh about 185 as of this morning.  I honestly have not weighed 185 since 1994 (maybe 96).  I haven't really seen my full body naked.  Bits and pieces when I change or shower, but I haven't had the mirror opportunity until today (haven't done this yet).  When I shower today I could look at myself in the mirror now that I am home.  It will be hard not to as the mirror is nearly the entire wall on the shower side of the room.  I am so thi

  My picture looks kind of scary.  Maeve moved the monitor a while back and it seems to close to me. We are finally home.  I am dragging some liver drains with me, but it was nice to sleep in my own bed.  The important things however, were seeing my daughter (still need to see Gusty), getting Tiffany home where she can relax, seeing my puppies and my kitties.  As much as I love the kitties, I have too much hardware in me right now for them to be handing all over me (and I was extremely shaky leg restless tired yesterday). So I left home on March 13th due to the snowstorm to get to NYC for surgery.  I returned home finally on April 6th.  24 days away from home.  It has been a long time since I have been away from my loved ones that long.  I don't think Tiffany has ever been gone that long.  The kids have definitely not been away from both of us that long ever. The dogs don't like the smell of the liver drains, I can understand that.  Bear is out here in the back room with me, bu

 It is too dark for a picture and this will not be long.  Surgery went as planned on the 15th, but I am still in NYC if that tells you anything.  Though surgery went on time, the sepsis following the surgery did not go as planned.  I ended up being in the hospital for 19 days.  It was horrible.  I am going home with some liver drains (draining infection from liver abscesses).  Once again, Tiffany has been amazing and continues to be so.  I know that this trip put a strain on her well beyond anything we have had happen before.  She has been living in the city all this time (I was in the hospital, so I had all my needs taken care of - mind you I was in a pleasant situation most days, but I was taken care of).   We leave for home tomorrow and we will be happy to be home with the girls and our little pack of animals.  If not just sleeping in our own house. Well, I am going to try and get back to sleep. I love you all.