Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Yesterday was nice.  I didn't do much, I was pretty active in the morning, continued to clean the office and then moved the PS5 to the living room.  Maeve and I played It Takes Two (Tiffany was having a hard time with the camera and the moving - she tried to play and I love her for always doing things with me - she is just that awesome).  It was nice to play with Maeve.  I feel guilty about that.  My gaming phase was when I was younger.  Don't get me wrong, I still love gaming, but I just seem to have a difficult time focusing.  I think lately it is all the bullshit in my head.   I was looking forward to having some time to do things like that once I got the new job.  More time with Tiffany, the kids, and frankly more time for me.  I was so jealous of my friends as they always seemed to have more time than me.  I don't think it was the work load as much as I let it consume me.  The last year I was tired all the time ...

 Tiffany is amazing!  I know that she doesn't feel well as she has an infection in her kidney due to her stones.  She continues to take care of me regardless.  In the morning, I am generally able to get around without issue (except for the pain in my side), but by afternoon I am generally really tired.  More tired than you should be from just sitting around.  Eating zaps every bit of strength out of me for some reason leaving me extremely lightheaded.  I try to hide how bad I am feeling after eating as I know it upsets her. I have a lot of hope about upcoming treatment.  I expect to start on chemo as everything I read suggests they won't go after the tumors in my liver via surgery.  What I fear is that if the chemo doesn't slow the progression of the liver metastatic disease that I will get real sick in the coming year.  I had an ultrasound a year ago that didn't show any lesions on the liver and a year later I have several.  Hopefu...

 So I got up and have been keeping myself busy this morning.  It helps with keeping my mind in the present.  I have all these projects (single board computing) that I wanted to do in retirement (I have been collecting them over the years).  AI Camera, robots, Arduino kits, etc...  I really need to start doing them as it may help keep my mind off from the shit. I have to say I almost skipped writing anything today as I am on a roll in my man cave cleaning and organizing.  It is such a mess.  I am pretty damn stoned as well (yes, I know it is 7:34 AM and I have been stoned since 6:00 AM - you try dealing with this shit).  Either way, I feel ok (other than the fucking cramp in my side!!!). I was playing with Bear a few minutes ago - she needed her tummies.  She doesn't leave my side most of the morning.  I think she has known I am sick as she has been guarding me for some time while I worked out here.  She is such a good dog, actually ...

 Yesterday was a tough day.  I bled a bit and my stomach hurt a lot.  I feel a bit better this morning (still bleeding a little), but I am worried about after I eat.  When I don't feel good it hurts Tiffany so I try to hide when I am in a little pain so that she can have a good day.  It is funny how when you have cancer it is almost impossible to get it off your mind.  I know that anywhere beyond 2 years is a gift and I am trying to figure out what to do with those days, but it really isn't about me.  I think about that Tim McGraw song, Live Like you Were Dying, I don't want to go sky diving (done that) or ride a bull, but I agree with the love deeper.  I don't think I have ever felt as much love for my wife and family as I do now.  It is funny how we take things for granted and I am so sorry if I did.   I have a tough decision come Tuesday about which hospital to trust with my care.  To some extent it is a no-brainer that Sloa...

 So I missed yesterday.  I actually stayed up until after 10:00 on Tuesday and slept in later than Tiffany.  Wasn't hard as she had to get up at 7:00 AM.  I didn't feel very well this morning.  It may have been because the dogs woke me up at 3:00 AM.  It was hard to get back to sleep.  I had also slept a couple of hours in my chair before going to bed.  I was pretty tired - strange as I didn't do much yesterday (I'll get to that) but I was pretty stoned all day so that may have been an issue.  I did eat a lot yesterday and expect I was well over 2000 calories.  My weight has stabilized at around 211 so I am not dumping weight any longer.  The shock of hearing I have cancer really shoved me into depression, but I am a bit better now.  It is strange walking around knowing that on average you have 2 to 5 years of life left.  You just want to bust out and do as much with your family as you can, but then you don't have the ener...

 Well a doctor finally gave the definitive news.  I have colon cancer.  It has moved to my liver.  This really does suck ass.  If you read this far, I knew this was the case, but now it is "true".  I have to wait until tonight to meet with the surgical oncology department and then March 1 for the medical oncologist.  The waiting is hard on all of us.  In my field, I have become so accustomed to fixing something immediately and staying up all night until it is working again.  This idea of slow response is so foreign to me that I am having a hard time not screaming at someone.  There slowness and lack of urgency seems like a lack of concern, but I have to find patience.  It is not something I have been very good at.  We told the girls yesterday as well.  Maeve was already in the know as she spends enough time around Tiffany and I.  She is so smart and much stronger than we assume.  I am so proud of the young lady s...

I missed a day :(  I got up early 3:30 AM yesterday because the dogs were barking and went back to bed after get stoned.  Slept until 7 something, so it threw my rhythm off.  All in all, yesterday was a good day.  Tiffany and I did some running around, at over 2000 calories, and other than the constant pain in my side as well as being lightheaded now and then the day went well.  We almost played a round of VR bowling, but Tiffany was feeling a little dizzy. I feel so bad for her.  I try holding her and not talking about preparing for all the shit that comes with having cancer.  It will hit us soon enough this week when we see the doctors again.  I was talking about life prep, etc... but she is an emotional wreck inside as I am sure she is struggling with all kinds of issues.  I wish there was a magic thing I could do or say to make her feel better.  On top of all this she is struggling with a large kidney stone that made her extremely si...

If I seem incoherent it is because I am stoned. Yesterday started out good and lunch with Jamie was nice. I felt good all day (except for the pain in my side and the bloating - of course).  Unfortunately, the GI's office called to schedule a meeting and they dropped a medical oncology meeting on my upcoming visit schedule.  This kind of set the day down a sad path. We already knew from the surgical oncologist that this was cancer (he was pretty certain), but we were still holding out hop for something else or cancer in only one location.  It hit us both pretty hard.  We kept on a good show when Maeve was in the room.  There was crying, then hopefulness, then anger... You don't realize that the people you know that had cancer or another terminal illness went through the cycles of grieve every day.  Some one should tell you that.   Speaking of Maeve, at 19 I know that she is a young adult, and I am so proud of her, but I will always see her as my li...

Yesterday (Thursday) was a good day.  I was a little sad in the morning and I know Tiffany was as well.  It is hard on my to get all the finance items around, discuss death benefits, life insurance, etc...  but it needs to be done as painful as it is.  As I said in the first post, taking care of Tiffany is my primary focus.  It always has been.  I put on a good face yesterday, laughed at some movies, worked most of the day, and it was good.  Tiffany seemed less depressed.  I know that at night after I go to bed she is probably suffering a bit and I wish there was something I could do for her. I have been moving pictures to an external drive again yesterday and it is so hard not just to look through every one (there are so many duplicate folders as I have tried to make sure I didn't lose any).  I have had a good life and I should be extremely happy about that.  I'm not ready to be done yet, but I know that I have helped people, loved my f...

 I feel pretty good this morning.  Not a lot of blood in my stool this morning (like you needed to hear that), but I was a little scared about that yesterday.  I need to try and get my calories up today.  I am not sure what I should be eating as there is so much conflicting information on line about diets.  I know that I have cut out most meat as it just doesn't sound good.  Actually, nothing sounds good.   I changed the water jug today.  I slid it across the floor on sliders as I am not suppose to pick up anything over 10 lbs for a week.  I am at my wits end with a lot of this and in the afternoon when I don't feel well is the worst.  It makes the fact that I might have terminal cancer go shooting right to the front of my thoughts, which than exacerbates how I am feeling.   I was thinking about the last 22 years of my life.  Moving back home was a no-brainer as I love Tiffany so much, but it really has been wonderful...

 So two days of testing...  It looks like I have a tumor in my rectum.  I want to just cry all day.  I need to be stronger for Tiffany and the girls, but I am just bawling inside.  I so have to fight this as I am not done loving Tiffany yet.  I am somewhat lost at the moment as I have no idea what to do.  I don't want to eat and I have lost 12 pounds since Tuesday of last week.  Everything I put in my mouth I want to spit out like a cat that has something stuck to their tongue.  I keep thinking about a time in winter when Tiffany was working at Rite Aid (I think it was Rite Aid).  She was walking up the street from work to come to the house on Center Street.  How selfish I was not to go down and meet her?  I was watching out the front window as she came towards the house.  She had her hair short then, she had a navy pea coat on, a miniskirt, and was smoking a cigarette.  I can see it so vividly.  She was so beaut...

 Spent most of Valentine's day in the hospital for the liver biopsy.  Tiffany and I have never really celebrated the day as every day with Tiffany is Valentine's day.  I'm not joking about that.  She is a wonderful woman, selfless, and caring.  There is a line in Family Man, "You see, you're a better person than I am.  And it made me a better person to be around you"; this line describes me and Tiffany.  She is a better person than I am, and she makes the best in me come out.  I love her so fucking much...  I have been doing colonoscopy prep and it is killing my insides.  I am so crampy this morning at 4 AM (need to finish my prep).  I had quite a bit of blood in my first BM of the morning (TMI?) and that scares me.  I'd had some spotting and what I thought were blood in my stool before, but this was a bit of blood.  Quite a different thing for me.  I am still holding out hope for something other than a cancer diagnos...

 I feel really good in comparison this morning.  I still have a cramp in my side, but I don't feel like I am going to pass out and the extreme pain in my stomach isn't as bad.  I had a really decent amount of food yesterday, things haven't passed the way they should, but I am not extremely bloated.  Speaking of dinner, it was super bowl Sunday and instead of the deep fried smorgasbord we had fruit and yogurt.  Tiffany has been amazing.  I know she is struggling with her own health items having a stint and a large stone in both kidneys, but she has been so amazing for me.  I love her so much and I know that she loves me as well.   Yesterday was a much better day and when I did start feeling a little bad in the afternoon I kept it to myself, got stoned, relaxed playing solitaire on the computer and watched a movie.  Maeve, Tiffany, and I ran around yesterday as well.  We got lunch at Cracker Barrel.  I hate that place, but the fo...

 I suppose I should use a better title than the date.  I haven't had much of a sense of humor the last few days.  I told my family about my possible diagnosis, it went okay and they were very supportive.  I wanted to make a joke at the beginning to say that I had decided to become a woman, but Tiffany thought that was in poor taste (she always right about these things - there, I said it, you are right all the time :) ).  I had a really bad pain bout around 2:00 PM after waking up from a nap, I texted my friend Jamie as I needed someone to talk to and wanted to let Tiffany have a break as she was out of the house with Maeve.  I'll write about Maeve in a bit.  I ended up calling my sister Martina.  We were really close in our youth, but I have grown apart from everyone.  She is the strongest of my siblings and honestly the one I have the largest connection to.  Everyone called us twins as children and we always had a tight bond.  My p...

 Yesterday was hard.  It is difficult for me to see the pain that me being sick is causing Tiffany.  I am still hopeful that I have some kind of intestinal blockage and this will all blow over.  I have been getting pretty swimmy headed by about 2:00 PM and I find myself tired and incapable of focus.  This may be due to the fact that I'm not eating.  I am trying today to eat some calories early when I have slept and feel a bit better than I do at dinner time.  My weight is down to 213.6 this morning from 222.3 at the beginning of the week.  I needed to lose weight, but not like this. Speaking of tough days, today I will tell my family what we know thus far.  This will be a hard conversation.  My mother has had to deal with a lot of loss.  It is pretty rough to think that the end of your life is filled with so much loss of life.  I think it is important to reflect on the journey and the joy behind you.   I have had such...

 Yesterday was tough, my stomach hurts really badly when I eat and I've lost almost 8 pounds in a few days because I am not eating enough.  I am hoping that some of the cramping and sickness was caused by a medication prescribed for my rising blood sugar but I fear it could just be what is going on in my body.  I still hold out extreme hope for just some gastric issue, but I have decided to bring the rest of my family into the loop on the early test results. As to them, I feel so bad that I put work ahead of them over the last several years.  I was so focused on earning money and my success so that my immediately family would be provided for that I forgot how important they were.  I think back at how close we were as kids and how many things we did together as a family, I miss that.  I suppose it is a fact of life that we all must go forth and build our own thing, but I should have made a better effort.  I promise if I get through this, I will be a bet...

 These two posts were done elsewhere, but I am putting it here so that it can exist a little longer.  I had almost forgot about this location until I couldn't sleep last night (Feb 10 - 11) and remembered that I always wanted to just write crap everyday.  I guess I have something to write about now. February 9, 2022 Yesterday I got some bad news. I had some test that show results that are pretty damn scary and yesterday afternoon a surgeon stated that I most likely have cancer. I haven't felt well in several months maybe longer and I should have been taking better care of myself. I kick myself for that but I don't want to go down that path right now. I want to talk about my plan. I have decided to take whatever time I have left in this world and write 15 minutes every morning about where I am in this journey and remembering the people that I love so desperately. I need to stop reading the internet about life expectancy and survival rates as I don't even know what is wro...