Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  I figure I can milk these Hawaiian songs for quite sometime.  Especially, since I don't make posts as often.  I mean, how many times can I tell you the same thing? Well, speaking of things, the tumors shrunk!  This is good, means chemo is still having some effect on the cancer.  Sometimes I wonder if my body is going to be able to handle it long enough.  This last chemo cycle was hell! Well, I just wanted to say I love everybody and that the fight continues. I love you all!

I'm actually not blue, but that is the first line to Stand Tall, by Burton Cummings.  Heard it yesterday and so it is stuck in my head. Things have been going, okay.  I don't like chemo and sometimes I feel like I am wasting away, but I'm not giving up.  Even on the days I feel my worst, I am at least walking the yard and checking on the gardens.  They have been coming along well and it is looking like we might get a lot of grapes this year.   All in all, I could be in a worse place. I need to get all the way to work (which is just switching browsers). I love you all!

  June 2025, HA!  There are times I wasn't sure I would still be here in 2025, but here I am.  My doctor said he wasn't sure that I would be able to travel come spring/summer of this year, but I could.  Am I the picture of health? No, but I can do more than a lot of people my age who haven't been through my bullshit. I guess the big thing is I can still spend time with and provide for my family.  That is really my drive. The gardening is coming along and I planted a lot more flowering items this year, as well as the berries and grapes seem well established.   Honestly, it is just nice to be outside. Well, just about 7 and I should get to work :) we get to working... I love you all!

 You probably can't tell, but I am shrinking.  If you find a picture of me in that same sweatshirt from 2 years ago, it is quite noticeable.  All in all, I am still doing alright... considering.  Chemo is kicking my ass hard, but I get about 3 days where I feel good enough to get stuff done.  The 3 to 4 rough days of chemo is painful, but I try to focus on getting through.  Speaking of chemo, today is chemo day (joy joy).   Tiffany is so amazing about taking care of me, I don't know how she does it all. Well, I am going to pretend to work for a bit, then head out to the hospital. I love you all!

 Well, May 13 - I made another spring, suck that life.  I will admit things are getting hard.  My insides hurt most of the time, the chemo is starting to really kick the shit out of my ability to think, but I persevere. Honestly, I am in the middle of a chemo treatment, 2 of what I think is 6 or at least 5 treatments.  We are hoping this shrinks everything that started growing, giving me more time. There just isn't enough time, seriously. Gusty had baby number 2 (Declan Micheal - yes, I meant that ;) ).  He is so beautiful.  I worry that her children won't know me, just like I didn't know my grandfather.  This makes me sad. Somedays, it just feels like I am going through the motions of living.  I think that makes sense right?  I mean especially during this chemo thing, I can't really do much, I spend most of the time stoned and out of it to keep from feeling like shit.  Sometimes, I think it is just my head and others, I know that shit i...

 So, I tried to rescue the rabbit from the dogs, but Bear had already broken it's back or neck with the shaking.  It is so upsetting and when I get one dog off, the other runs at it.  I finally got them inside, but it was too late for the bunny.  It makes me so sad and ruins my morning to be honest.  I had been so enjoying my morning walks.  My guess is the bunny was living under the deck, came out and couldn't find a way back in.  I need to close off the whole thing to try and stop that.  The dogs are really good at cornering the rabbit, but I guess it is in their nature right? I start chemo back up this week (I think).  It has been a really long time (since August).  I am not looking forward to it, but I need it unfortunately.  I have 4 new tumors in my abdomen (on lymph nodes) and a couple new ones in my liver.  The chemo has worked before, but I am concerned.  I am keeping my can't stop me attitude, but lately, I have ...

  Well, it's funny because today, I actually feel better than I have in weeks.  I'm not certain why, but I will take it. My tumors grew slightly.  My oncologist gave me the choice to continue chemo or continue my break and we think it is time to get back on the juice.  I still have hope that I will beat this thing, but I fear it is going to do me in as well.  Most days my insides hurt and I wonder if others that don't have my ability to ignore pain would be as functional as I am. Either way, I continue to persevere and that is due to all the support I get at home.  My wife is fucking amazing. I just thought I would check in.  With summer coming I will be out of my stupid funk that winter throws me into and maybe being active will help me feel more energetic (I know it will). Well, back to work. I love you all!

 Well, not sure I have written since all the news.  I am on a chemo break, only because we are saving it for when it is necessary as I have 4 small tumors and they need to see what happens with them.  My gut is sore most days regardless of what I eat and it is getting a bit annoying. I just feel like I am stuck in some sort of purgatory and unfortunately brought my family with me.   Regardless, I still have my strength (short of the hernias) and I am able to do most things.  That is all good. Well, need to make my breakfast I love you all!

  Say goodbye to this hair today, because today I am cutting it all off.  My kids have never seen me with hair so I thought this would show them my red locks.  I didn't tell anyone that, but I just don't feel like I have had enough time with them.  With anyone.  I spend so much of my life trying to be alone, comfortable with it, that I didn't realize how much I needed others.  Maybe a bit too late. As you can see I am struggling a bit.  My most recent scans came back pretty bad.  I haven't had chemo in a while, but even the liver that they just ablated had 3 new tumors.  I also look like I have abdominal lymph node involvement as well.  I can't stop crying this morning, and maybe that's what I need. I'm so tired of being strong and humble, and I just want to scream and understand why me.  It took me so long to find my way home, was it too much to ask that I have more than 24 years to enjoy it. Enough about me.  I worry so much ...

  I am still hear MFers!  Sorry, best way to say that when I have taken a three week break from writing in this blog (I have so many).  This was is meant to be re-read after I beat this shit (or don't) to remind about the journey and my learnings. Things have been going well, I haven't had any treatment since sometime in Nov or Oct maybe even longer.  In Nov (the 21st) I had another ablation (3rd times a charm) and this week (Jan 2) I have scans again.  So, of course I am freaking out.  If things go right, I will be cancer free, if they don't, I am back into the shit. I have to say, short of my shitty ass digestive system (see what I did there), I feel ok.  All of this shit the last couple of years has beaten the hell out of me, but I persevere.  I will continue to fight regardless, but I am hoping for the first real clean scan. Well, I have to get to work. Love you all!

 I've dipped into the winter hoodies so maybe I will be wearing something different in these pictures.  I don't have a lot of time to write. You know, I almost never write the date anymore.  Funny, it used to be so important and now it is just another day.  Interesting to watch over the years how things have changed and what we focus on.  For example, I have no idea why people wear watches any more, even the smart ones.  I mean I am the most technical IT obsessed person I know and I want to shed my phone as it tries to keep me engaged and I don't like that. As to me, I had a 3rd ablation - let's hope 3rd times a charm.  I am feeling ok except my insides are still a wreck and I think this is just something I have to deal with forever. Off to get the dogs and get ready for work. I love you all!

  Well, finally in NYC for the liver ablation (this afternoon).  Once again, I am hoping for 3rd times a charm.  I wonder if we started this liver ablation sooner when the pump was still able to deliver chemo if it would have had better results.  I suppose the fact that I am still kicking is still good results. Tiffany and I upgraded to the penthouse in our hotel.  I know smell us, right?  It would be nice if it was higher in the air, but it is still a pretty big room.  Well it isn't really a room, it is an entry, living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so it's a condo.  I could live here.  Hell, it is way bigger than my apartment in Hawaii. I wish we had more time to enjoy the city.  We come up here for an appointment or a procedure and then right back to Erin.  I have been out of vacation time at work for months so this is all time off without pay.   Our world does not favor the sick.  Honestly what nat...

 I am glowing from the monitor light.  I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years?  That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today.  I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation.  So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love.  You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world.   I'm worried about this one.  Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....

  I really have to get more sweatshirts.  In a couple of days we will be heading back into NYC to get my liver ablated, again.  This is the 3rd time.  3rd times a charm?  I am not sure how I feel.  I spent all day Sunday getting things done outside so I still can burst some energy out, but it leaves me exhausted.  I don't have the energy I had just a few months. I have started another blog, but public - I am not sure why I am driven to do these things.  I have always been an introvert with a need for attention I guess (it's strange, I know). Well, I don't have a lot to say this morning outside of the fact that I am beginning to realize that I spent way too much time in my life thinking about me and it is sad that it has taken me this long to realize that life is about everyone else. I love you all!

 I could have sworn that I used that first line before, but it seems I haven't.  Doesn't matter, and I Love Her every day...  I am extremely stoned this morning I am testing my first actual flower on inside grow.  I can't seem to keep the leaves green during flower on indoor and I have been testing fertilization techniques.  The bud as I mentioned it is really strong. The outside harvest was stellar this year and resulted in some good bud as well: More than we could use for sure. My indoor garden hobby isn't as much a pull for me as outdoors.  I know it is the sun and warmth.  Tiffany and I sat outside yesterday and I really enjoyed it.  I had a beer and everything.  Days like that with the dogs running around, just talking and listening to the Beatles, and a modicum of sun are like dreams to me.  If there is a heaven, I could do that everyday for eternity. Well, my stoned ass has to get busy. I love you all!

  So, I have a full beard.  I didn't plan on doing no-shave November, but I was too lazy to shave and honestly wasn't taking very good care of myself.  So, I have a full beard.  I also have hair on the side of my head and I am amazed how red it still is. All that aside, I wonder how I feel.  I know that sounds funny, but it is hard to understand whether my ills are mental (depression, fear, anxiety), age issues (bad back, etc), or something to do with my cancer.  The last 3 years have aged me as well as my family. I have dropped off of social media as I just find it to be a distraction and "something to do".  I let those services drive into my ADHD/hyper activity and when I want to be distracted or avoid my work, there it is ready to waste hours of my time. You may ask, what am I doing with that time - nothing.  That isn't all true, I have focused a little more at work, I setup an AI system, etc... Things in the house are ok, I feel like I have lo...

 The computer camera does a poor job with the bright monitor light and the darker background.  I suppose I don't really care.  Things are just things.  I have been trying to not do social media or the news.  It is strange, because my day had become just constant small bits of time wasted on things that have no actual value.  Seriously, now that I am not just jumping on the social media or news sites, my mind is a mess.  It wants constant distraction rather than focus.  I wonder at which point in my life did I give in to the distraction impulses and stop actually focusing on things that matter. As I think through my life I become angered with myself.  I focused on work too much, too much distraction, and not enough focus on the things that matter.  As it is I have a hard time with affection towards people (pets, not so much).  I have been a closed door most of my life and the more I think about it, my lack of willingness to let mysel...

  No first line of a song today, I just can't.  I am not certain how so many of my fellow Americans can have so much hate in their hearts or such a strong concern for egg prices.  We live in a fucked up consumer frenzy where Jesus and Adam Smith are now somehow brother's in arms.  Wrap in the fear of brown people and you have a great recipe for population control.  Did we honestly think that America (the land of the free...) was ready to elect a mixed race woman? I want to think voters stayed home or whatever, but I am beginning to think that in order to get to a Star Trek universe, you have to go through hell.   I was hopeful that we would see some relief from the constant hate against those that are different, but I fear this will embolden those that would ostracize anyone that is different or disagrees with them.  I want to think that the executive doesn't have that much power, but with the loss of the senate, most likely not gaining the house,...

  Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something?  Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike).  I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside.  I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this.  I miss my morning summer walks.  The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer.  I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago.  I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring...

  Do I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday? Yes, yes, I do.   Well, it looks like I am still an ablation candidate, but if I keep growing new liver tumors it is going to start looking bleaker.  I wish there was something I could control on all of this, but as I have said before, I am just the battleground.  I understand the positive attitude and all - I have that.  Also, I am determined to get Tiffany to the point she can collect social security.  This means I have to continue to beat the odds for a few more years.  I look forward to reading this a couple years from now and laugh that I was scared about not making it at times. Well, I have a couple of things to get done before work. I love you all!