I didn't hear you leave... January 5, 2024

 


Say goodbye to this hair today, because today I am cutting it all off.  My kids have never seen me with hair so I thought this would show them my red locks.  I didn't tell anyone that, but I just don't feel like I have had enough time with them.  With anyone.  I spend so much of my life trying to be alone, comfortable with it, that I didn't realize how much I needed others.  Maybe a bit too late.

As you can see I am struggling a bit.  My most recent scans came back pretty bad.  I haven't had chemo in a while, but even the liver that they just ablated had 3 new tumors.  I also look like I have abdominal lymph node involvement as well.  I can't stop crying this morning, and maybe that's what I need.

I'm so tired of being strong and humble, and I just want to scream and understand why me.  It took me so long to find my way home, was it too much to ask that I have more than 24 years to enjoy it.

Enough about me.  I worry so much about the girls and Tiffany.  I have dedicated most of that 24 years to taking care of them, some of it self-centered, but a lot of it was to try and give them a better life.  I feel like a failure a lot of the time, but I suppose that they got as good as a childhood as I did, and maybe better.  I know that parents never stop worrying about their kids.  I wish I could tell mom and dad that.  I would apologize for going away for so long and how infrequently I contacted them.  It must have been hard for them.

Well, I need to get myself under control.

I love you all so very much!

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