Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 It's Saturday thank God.  I really don't have any plans or schemes for the day.  I got stoned this morning because I felt like it so now I am just kind of in the sit and stare zone.  I don't know why people say that they focus better when stoned.  I guess unless they are referring to focusing on whatever they are staring at while their minds go blank or float through a bunch of thoughts that they thought was a minute and ends up being 5 to 10.  I should have left the referring up above that had 4 r's as an example ;)  though I suppose the last sentence in itself is an example. Anyhow, things are going as well as they can.  I am off systematic chemo until the end of the year and what a difference that makes.  I don't know if I am 100% or what that is anymore, but I am ok.  Unfortunately, I have/had this infection in my tooth that I didn't know I had because of the all the dex.  My insides are still a little messy (antibiotics don't help) and because of that

  I shouldn't stare at the camera!  Well, got back from NJ yesterday around 4:00.  The oncologist gave me a break from systematic chemo until after the holidays.  I suppose that is good news.  He says he can only see one tumor on the CT scan.  This is good news at least for some longevity.  My blood tests are good etc... I suppose I should stop feeling the heavy weight of doom concerning my longevity and get back to my "I can beat this" thought process. If anything, I will make it through these holidays and into the next year.  I used to have these short term milestones and I am thinking maybe I need to start spreading them out a bit.  Why? Because my ass ain't leaving anytime soon.  I keep thinking I should be doing more, but what is that and what does that look like.  You always hear that saying, "live like you were dying".  Well, people that are dying need regular health care, like pump maintenance, etc...  You actually want to live like your living.  You

  I am going to try and make a proper post today.  I have been phoning it it in to be honest.  We are off to NJ again today for chemo.  I hope that my oncologist has put in enough time to give me some plan forward.  It has been 7 months since my surgery and 4 months of chemo so it would be nice to know what is next.  We got a good report from the last scan, tumors still shrinking, one wasn't visible in this scan.  I am happy about that and scared that the cancer may be elsewhere. I have been tired and nauseous as of late.  I think it is a little bit chemo, a little bit my messed up insides, and a bit depression.  I really have to get myself back into gear, exercise, eating better (whatever that means), etc...  I'd been a little lightheaded over the last couple of weeks, but I think it may have been the caffeine as I was having about 4 cups or so a day.  It may also have been the water.  I don't know why it is so hard to drink 64 oz of water a day.  I know if it was beer, I&

 So it has been a while since I wrote and I have got a lot done.  I have some brussel sprouts ready to go: We missed our good color due to heavy winds and the indoor garden is coming along And I made Boo All good things. Oh, and one little thing, liver tumors shrunk and one seemed to go away totally!  This is all good things!!! Well, need some breakfast! I love you all!

 I need to clean this office.  I am running out of space to stash stuff so I must have too much stuff.  This month is going to be exhausting traveling back and forth to NJ.  I know that Tiffany is tired of the driving and so am I.  Really want to know what the next steps are.  I suppose they could be do nothing and remain on treatment.  We are just not sure how this ends (the every two weeks to NJ), I mean we know how it ends, either I get better, we do it forever, or we don't - all of these are on the table I guess.  I like the first two best. Being sick every other week is no fun and I suppose I should just get more active and not think about it.  That is generally the plan, but now that we are moving into winter, it is much harder to work without thinking about it as there is less to do inside. Things are going normal and normal is good.  Maeve is taking a class, Gusty is making these cute crochet things, and Tiffany I guess is taking care of me.  I am doing alright, my work eff

  So this weekend (Friday) was our anniversary.  22 years married, 22 years...  It has gone by so fast and the way my brain has been I can't remember it all, but I know that it was great.  Oh, we had hard times, difficult times, but I don't remember them much at all.  I remember the fun at Disney, the BBQs on the deck, playing in the yard, laughing in the car, playing Wii, it is all "LAMINATED".  We, together are eternal and I it is the thoughts of those great times and future ones that keep me going. Not to get all sappy, but having my birthday and then our anniversary made me nostalgic a bit.  I also know that I have lived an amazing life and all of you helped it to be that way.   Well, I should get to eating something.  Was nice to sleep in today. Your moment of Zen: I love you all!

  Today is our anniversary.  It hasn't been a year filled with fun and activities.  Since last October we have been through some bullshit.  I was wasting away with an ostomy bag, nearly died after surgery, had to be waited on and taken care of daily.  Tiffany went through it all without complaining to me.  I know it stressed her out, I know she didn't want to be doing what she did, but she did it all without question, every day.  It is amazing how loved I am.  I don't know if I will ever be able to repay her, but I will try. Today I will attempt to make a nice dinner and we will watch a movie or sit out with the dogs.  Either way, we will be together and that what matters. I have been feeling a bit better, but that is probably because we have chemo in a few days.  I always start to feel better as we move towards chemo day.  I suppose I need to take the good with the bad and be happy that I am still able to do the things that I do. Well, I am going to get to riding the bike

  I am feeling a little tired this morning (flushed in my face as well).  I am sorry that I haven't been writing here much.  Soon, I will be locked in the house on the weekends (not locked in, just too cold in the mornings).  I suppose that not much has changed so I am once again in the doldrums of my treatment.  We have scans again on the 19th and will have some idea of steps forward then, I hope. As for me, I am the same.  I keep plugging away at trying to work, do things to improve the house and home life, as well as ignore the fact that I have cancer.  It is easier on some days than others.  Tiffany continues to keep us all together.  She is such a strong and caring individual.  I can't think of what we would all do without her.   Starting next week we have 3 weeks of travel to and from NJ for treatment, testing, treatment.  The third trip should give us some direction - I hope. Well, I need to get to exercising and prepping for the day. I love you all!

  It is a good question, "Who wants to live forever?".  I do, or at least considerably longer.  I just want some more time.  I also want time where I am retired and able enough to enjoy it.  I have been losing focus on the "able enough" part as I get worried about the cancer.  I am too logical to my approach and need to start believing more in myself. I have a difficulty with the "you can battle this" as I don't really know what I can do.  I can put up with the chemo, the surgeries, etc...  but I can't slide into my body and fight the cancer.  I suppose in my head I can, which I do try.  It is hard to not think about it. Well, I have to get to bike riding and eating breakfast. I love you all!