Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 If you didn't know already, the bright light is the UV Happy light.  I am a little in a bad place, not for any particular reason (my insides suck for the most part).  I know that Tiffany is depressed or overwhelmed.  There is so much for her to do and I know she not only worries about me, but she worries about the girls as well.  I know it is a morbid thought, but if I can maintain work at Welliver, I know that if there is to be a demise for me that they will all be taken care of to some extent.  There would be some belt tightening, but there would be an ok amount of tax-free inheritance.  I know I shouldn't think like that, but unless I get good news soon, I am getting into the dangerous years.  As of March next year, it will be two years since Chemo started and as of February it will be two years since full diagnosis.  1 to 5 is the magic number, if I get passed 5 I'll be one of the lucky ones. I need to get more active, but my activity always involved drinking... Always

 The bright light is my UV Happy Light.  It is cold this morning and Bear wants to go back to the living room.  You wouldn't believe there like fifteen minutes between the start of this post and now.  Dogs, breakfast, stuff... Things are back to the doldrums.  I am starting to feel a little better.  My bowels still kick my ass, but all in all, I'm here for another Christmas holiday, which makes me happy. Well - off to play games I love you all!

 Another trip to NJ in the books.  Now that I just get the pump fill it isn't really making me sick.  It doesn't really matter as my gut is all kinds of whack from the chemo, surgeries, fucking cancer, etc...  Sometimes I feel so yucky, even now off the systematic chemo, that I wonder if I don't have another tumor in my digestive system.  The way I see it, I am nearly two years in and I am still going strong and I should be thankful for that. Speaking of thankful, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am so looking forward to kicking off the holiday season.  I miss that feeling I used to get and last year I saw a bit of that and this year I am really excited about listening to the music and watching the movies.  I like that I make myself wait as it makes the movies and the music special. Well, I need to get some fun in before work. I love you all!

 I wasn't going to make an entry today.  I know that I am suffering from depression, but I don't know how to fix it.  It's not just the weather, but everything.  I am so tired of the 3 month and we will see game.  I know I should be ecstatic that I am alive, etc., but not knowing about where I am at with the cancer is scary.   Now that I have typed that, I have to think about the fact that we never really know how much time we have left.  We expect that we have a lot more.  When we are young we think we have forever, but it changes as you age, then you get cancer and you are confronted with your own mortality.  It is funny how you just want to live once you know for certain you won't always be alive. Don't get me wrong, I am still positive and happy that I can take care of my family and I am not really sure what I would be doing differently if I didn't have cancer (worry less I guess). Well, trying not to be depressed today (looking at the cute toys Maeve got me

  The Speckles must sit in my seat not that it is heater under the desk season.  I don't know what she thinks of the UV light, but she likes laying in the sun...   I need to get into the holiday spirit.  I am going to think of something to try and make for Tiffany next weekend (I know it isn't Thanksgiving, but we are having pizza for Thanksgiving :) ).  As we move into the winter months I get so depressed and lack motivation.  It is hard for me to exercise and I think every pain or bad feeling (like and upset stomach) is the beginning of the end.  I try not to feel doomed, but it is hard at times.   I am trying to get myself out of this funk and may Christmas season is just what I need.  We will see. Well, time to get some shit done. I love you all!

  Not to steal the email I sent to Tiffany this morning (I send her a mail everyday), but it is what I was thinking about: This will be our 23rd holiday in our home.  23... The time went by so fast and I don't remember all the Thanksgivings or Christmases.  I do remember how I feel about them and us.  I do miss having the little girls around the house sometimes.  One of the greatest joys in my life has been watching them grow and you as their mother.  It is amazing to have something so wonderful remind you how amazing life is. It is strange how I don't remember a ton of specifics around the holidays, but I remember how I felt and that is the important part.  I find it upsetting that you forget things as you age.  It has gotten a lot worse in the last few years.  It is funny that I remember all this programming structure and network math, but I can't narrow in on a lot of specific memories of the past. Well, I suppose I should get my day going... I love you all!

 Did you ever think about the shear number of songs that you have heard and recognize from throughout your life.  It is pretty impressive the things we can remember.  I don't find it hard to put a new first line from a song every time I post and I am certain I have used a couple twice, but still it is pretty impressive.  It isn't like I sit here and try to think of a song, generally I have one stuck in my head.   I am trying to ignore the constant ball of gas or whatever in my gut all day long, but it is beginning to be difficult.  I try to be happy about the fact that I am here, the tumors have shrunk (giving me more time) and that I am capable of caring for my family.  That last one is the important one.  I guess I learned from my father that working hard is the way you show love.  I really don't know what else I would do with myself at least during the winter.  During the warmer months I would garden. Well, I have some work to do. I love you all

  I have to wonder how many of these pictures I have taken sitting in this desk chair.  After well over a year and a half, I probably have quite a few (I don't post every day and I probably could make a rough guess, but it is more than 200).   I am struggling a bit with depression, etc...  I suspect if I had this chemo break in the summer it would have been better for me as I could get out of the house in the AM and the evenings enjoying some warm weather and sun, but I shouldn't complain.  It is all relative I guess as there are times in the summer when I just don't feel like going outside because it is too warm, etc...  You miss things when they are gone and I suppose that includes the past summer. I'm also a little anxious, I can't determine what I want to do most of the time.  Work sucks (it is work) and I just get into this shitty funk every fall.  I realized today that most of my "fun" in the past included just drinking away the day and I really need

 My UV light casts a weird shadow, but it is necessary as we start to get into these grey cold months.  I was outside for at least an hour yesterday working on the generator and another hour the day before and I don't think the sun shined much at all.  A little more on Saturday than Sunday, but totally depressing. I did get some things done though.  Maeve has a wired connection to the network again (which seems to have made her happy) and the generator has a green light and no longer is displaying an error.  All good things and stuff I needed to finish before the winter.  I worry Maeve's link won't last the winter as I pretty much MacGyver'd that ethernet cable. We are off to NJ today solely to do pump maintenance.  It is a total "no chemo" two weeks.  No steroid, nothing...  I am interested in seeing how I feel as I don't think I have had this kind of break since surgery and I don't exactly feel good after surgery.  I am hoping that maybe I get some t

It is time for the UV light again.  This turn to autumn has been tough on me for some reason.  I guess I often think about how many I have left.  I wonder how many people my age think about how much time they have left.  It used to be rare for me.  I thought a lot about retirement, but not about when I wouldn't be here anymore.  I wonder if my father thought about it.  Especially when he could no longer make the walk from his house to ours without stopping.  I suppose he had to.  I think we all do when faced with our mortality. Things have been ok outside of the turning to the grey and no sunshine weather and my bowels.  I feel sick a lot, but I blame that on the gut.  It scares me as that is how I felt when I first went to the DR prior to all this cancer BS.  I suppose, I need to start being happy again that I get to spend another holiday season with my children and my wife.  Sometimes it takes me typing it out to realize that I still have a good life and I need to be pleased with