Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 I didn't feel like a picture today.  My stomach is still really bad and my symptoms seem to be getting worse.  Not just pain, but nausea, dizziness, lightheaded, etc... I am beginning to become afraid that the chemotherapy has affected my digestive system adversely. I read a research article that said those symptoms could last 10 years.  I won't be able to handle 10 years of this, I will, but it will severely affect my behavior.  I can honestly say that this is the worst I've felt - ever.   All this time having little effects from chemo and treatment and this shit starts right before surgery.  Which, by the way, is still a go for the 15th. Well, I don't feel like writing so I am going to end this here. I love you all!

  I'm not actually laying in bed, I am sitting up.  I haven't written in a few days as I was hospitalized for the stomach issues I have been having.  They didn't find anything, but at least they took me seriously.   I only have so much battery time left so I have to be quick. Tiffany has been amazing and I know this is all so hard on her.  I wish there was more that I could do, but I am so sick right now.  No matter what or how much I eat, my stomach just aches.  In fact, it is some of the worst pain I have experienced.  I still wonder if it was the new diabetes meds, but it still could be a cold turkey of the dexamethasone, etc... We are on our way home for a couple days today and then back at it Tuesday for surgery on Wednesday.   I love you all!

 So my stomach hasn't got much better.  The weed and the Tylenol 3 seem to help alleviate the pain combined with some gas-x, but that is about the only thing that helps.  I haven't been able to eat much given the pain that comes with digestion.  So, yep, I have that going for me.  I will admit, I have been in pain before, but this is something I've never experienced.  I can't ignore this pain and the it is so painful that it causes me to sweat and become lightheaded.  This morning, nothing seems to be helping with the pain so I am going to have to break down at some point and take another Tylenol 3 (I took one at 2 AM this morning - again as I had to do that yesterday as well).   Today we leave for NYC for pre-op testing and I am so terrified that this stomach issue is going to stop me from having the surgery to finally get at my liver.  I am hoping they have a little more experience with this type of thing and can quickly get at the cause.  I can't get another dela

 So, my stomach is just down right killing me the last few days.  I am in so much pain and it isn't like me to let pain take me out like this, but this is really bad.  I have pretty much tried everything to make my gut feel better, but to no relief.  I am going to switch to a liquid diet (broth, soups, protein shakes) to see if simplifying the digestive process will help.  For a while I figured I had a blockage in my intestine, but things seem to be getting through considering there was an undigested pill in my bag. My big fear is that I have a tumor in my esophagus or stomach.  I have an irrational fear that the cancer will spread or that they missed small spots that are now growing.  I am also very concerned about my surgery schedule.  Who knows if they will still do surgery if I am suffering from this issue.  I was so looking forward to getting all this shit out of me.  I was also hoping the two weeks leading up to surgery would be good weeks where I feel better because I didn&#

So I am still having some stomach issues.  My PCP took me off the new drug I was taking for diabetes and I do suspect that is the issue.  However, I did notice an entire pill (unfortunately, no markings) in my ostomy bag.  I suspect it is the Centrum pill as I hadn't seen my Metformin in the bag (those are shaped about the same).  There is also a good chance those pills have gotten clogged up in my intestine.   I have to admit that I am terrified that all these stomach issues, face flushing, heat flashes, etc... are all indicative of some spread of cancer.  I wonder if I will spend the rest of my life worried that my cancer has spread every time I have some pain, illness, or other ailment.  It is truly exhausting. I promise tomorrow morning I will get stoned and write something a bit less depressing. Oh of all the money that e're I spent I spent it in good company and of all the harm that e're Ive done alas it was to none but me for all I've done for want of wit to mem&

So I am somewhat miserable the last few days.  My stomach is fucking killing me and I am not sure if it is the new drug that my PCP put me on or I have new fucking cancer.  I love this game!  Is it new cancer or just gas...  Fuck! I should just take myself off the new medicine that my PCP gave me and see if this issue goes away, but I need to stop doing that (I've done it with blood pressure meds, cholesterol, etc...). So yeah - I have felt like shit for two weeks, I just haven't told anyone until the last few days because I was really hoping it would go away, but it is starting to really affect my attitude and my demeaner.  I guess you can only handle constant stomach pain for so long until you start to get annoyed. Well, I am going to try and see if a light bike ride will help with the gas and stomach pain. I love you all!

  I do want a new drug that just makes me feel normal, but I am also trying to remember what that is.  I only have 6 minutes until I need to start getting ready for work.  I am going to have some toast, my meds, and vitamins and see if I can get this stomach under control.  I am so bloated and in pain in my gut. Well, I need to make some breakfast, pack the lunch, get dressed, etc... I love you all!