We've all seen a man at the liquor store beggin' for your change... April 18, 2024


 I decided not to go into work this morning.  I am not sure what is up with me, but I am losing my drive and I'm having a hard time keeping myself in a good place.  It is hard to figure out "what to do" as I have begun to realize that my entire being over the last couple of years has been work.  Happy hour after work, drinking on the weekends with friends from work, work, work, work...

There is another theme in that paragraph - drinking.  Looking back, I must have been drinking every day (other than January when I took my required break).  It is hard for me to try and totally change who I am, but I need to figure out what to do with myself.  

All of this is difficult as my insides are still difficult.  I have cramps in my midsection, most days and you never know when it is going to be time to go.  This makes planning or doing anything pretty hard.  Lastly, I have overspent in the last couple of years so spending money (like going out to eat) is pretty much off the table.

Some of this may be my nerves as I, once again, have no idea where I am at from a cancer perspective.  I will know on May 1 and I hope, more than anything, that they don't find any tumors, but it is getting to me and I am tired of living from scan to scan.  I mean, I know that we all live from item to item (generally weekend to weekend, etc...), but most of the time people don't live possible live altering news to possible live altering news.

Yes, I know I am being a whinny bitch.  I am trying to be more fun, etc...  It is hard as by the end of the day I am generally really tired and I lack motivation for much of anything.  I should probably talk to Tiffany about all this, but I think she is suffering in her own way around all of this (and don't get me going on the rest of the BS in our lives).  

Well, I suppose I should pretend to work (actually, I am going to try and brush up my C language capability).

I love you all!

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