Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Sorry about the disco headline, but that what was stuck in my head this morning.  You know I think I have been pretty good about all this.  As good as I can be.  Up until yesterday, I have kept my cool around all the medical folks, but I am just trying to get a colonoscopy and it is so hard to get care.  I don't want to wine and bitch about how I feel, but my gut is a fucking wreck.  I know that I get stoned and eat too much at times, but the constant cramp, gas bubbles, and needed to defecate 10 times a day is getting a little bit much. I just want to make sure I don't have a blockage or worse.  I feel disconnected from NYC/Sloan and Guthrie seems like they are barely capable of keeping the lights on.  And here I am stuck in the middle again (that will probably be tomorrow's title now). Things are rough, I am not going to lie.  My insides feel fucked up, Tiffany's father is not well and worse, he is depressed (IMHO) and doesn't have a good ...

  It is almost 2024.  We are sneaking closer to the 2 year mark and I am getting nervous about my upcoming scans.  I feel numb about it anymore.  I am a little nervous, but if I don't start turning a corner towards no tumors I think I am in the bad zone.  We don't talk about that with the oncologist, but I have done enough research to know that.  I am content with things.  Don't get me wrong, I am not ready to go, but I am not afraid of it. Tiffany's father is not doing well.  I feel so bad for her and him.  I wish he had a partner like Tiffany whereas they loved each other.  I think her father regrets some of his choices in life, he always seemed like he was trying to make up for them.   The way I see it, we all make mistakes and have made them throughout life, but we can't really go back and fix the big ones.  What you have to do is not let them fester inside you and learn from them.  You move forward as you.  ...

  Well, I made another Christmas!  It is a good thing.  Not going to complain on this one, just thankful to have another day/holiday to be with you all. I love you all!

  Well, it is Dec 23, 2023.  I've made it to another Christmas.  Well not actually Christmas day yet, though I am pretty sure I will make a couple more days (I mean I am definitively sure I will make it a couple days) and many more Christmases , but it isn't about a day, it's the season.  God, I loved Christmas as a kid.  It wasn't only the presents, but there was so much wonder about how all the presents came, so much hope that all that Christmas was supposed to be, could be. It was just the overwhelming feeling that there really could be peace on earth and that maybe I could have that much joy in my heart all year long. I know that I have swayed from that youthful exuberance over the years.  And I am many years away from being excited about an unknown gift under the tree.  However, if I have learned anything over the last couple of years is that everyday is an unknown gift.  I still hold so much hope in my heart that we could find a way to truly...

 So I am trying, but I am horribly depressed.  I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.  I mean don't get me wrong, I know what I am supposed to be doing.  Working, providing for my family, etc...  I don't know what I am supposed to be doing concerning the cancer.  I thought that the break from chemo would be nice and I would feel better, but my insides still feel like shit.  I just feel like I am wasting this holiday time, but I don't know what I would be doing if I wasn't wasting the holiday time.  I just am not sure what I would be doing all the same. Part of my issue is that I feel sick (nauseous) a lot.  I am not sure if that is from depression/doom/gloom or if I really don't feel well.  I know my digestion isn't good and it seems I have to take loperamide to keep from going a million times a day, but then it leads to uncomfortable gas and pain in my gut.  Either way, my gut feels like shit. I try not to bitch so I am ...

 It's a Saturday morning. It was colder this week with some snow and everything, but has warmed up yesterday and today so it is all melted.  This time of year, I like the snow as long as I don't have to travel in it. I know I have not written in a while and I have to stop being so lazy about it.  I don't think it is so much laziness as I feel rushed all the time.  I often wonder if others feel like this.  You have so much that you WANT to do, and so much that you HAVE to do, that you end up doing almost none of it.  Then it all festers and drives you nuts. Things are going well I guess.  As is the case all the time, I am in the wait an see portion of my treatment again.  The break from irinotecan has been nice as my brain is a lot clearer and I don't feel as chemo-sick.  However, my bowels have been shit (see what I did there).  For the most part I have a constant cramp/gas bubble in my mid-section with pain on both of my sides (most of ...