Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Well, not sure I have written since all the news.  I am on a chemo break, only because we are saving it for when it is necessary as I have 4 small tumors and they need to see what happens with them.  My gut is sore most days regardless of what I eat and it is getting a bit annoying. I just feel like I am stuck in some sort of purgatory and unfortunately brought my family with me.   Regardless, I still have my strength (short of the hernias) and I am able to do most things.  That is all good. Well, need to make my breakfast I love you all!

  Say goodbye to this hair today, because today I am cutting it all off.  My kids have never seen me with hair so I thought this would show them my red locks.  I didn't tell anyone that, but I just don't feel like I have had enough time with them.  With anyone.  I spend so much of my life trying to be alone, comfortable with it, that I didn't realize how much I needed others.  Maybe a bit too late. As you can see I am struggling a bit.  My most recent scans came back pretty bad.  I haven't had chemo in a while, but even the liver that they just ablated had 3 new tumors.  I also look like I have abdominal lymph node involvement as well.  I can't stop crying this morning, and maybe that's what I need. I'm so tired of being strong and humble, and I just want to scream and understand why me.  It took me so long to find my way home, was it too much to ask that I have more than 24 years to enjoy it. Enough about me.  I worry so much ...