Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  It's cold this morning.  After all those 80 degree days and warm mornings, I got a little spoiled and forgot it is still spring in Upstate NY.  However, I am not letting it stop me from spending a small portion of my morning prior to work enjoying the outdoors.  A cup of coffee with some music.  Today's music is of course birds with an album I bought years ago, 25 Intimate Chamber Favorites.   You know, I have wrinkles on my face, I'm supposed to.  I don't see them as a sign of age, but rather wisdom.  Each one a lesson in something important, love, compassion, humility, courage, and forgiveness.  Without the years that carved them, I wouldn't be the person I am.  And I for one, have grown to like that man - I think, some others have too. Well, it is really cold out here and I should be getting inside to eat and other things. I love you all!

  Sitting outside this morning again!  Doing my walk in the morning, exploring the yard, my little gardens, and sitting outside with the dogs at our home, this is my shit; seriously being with my family and nature in this place is so clearly where I am at peace with everything. This is what I sent to Tiffany: There were lots of birds this morning, some new ones: Easter Phoebe, Chestnut-sided Warbler, Easter Meadowlark, Easter Towhee.  I don't know why recording those birds makes me happy.  I guess because we tried to build a place for birds, so, it makes me happy when they are here.  Sitting out here listening to Handel's Water Music, the birds, the wind chimes, all while looking out at our field puts me at peace.  This is my heaven, our life, our little slice of the universe, it's right where I am supposed to be. I really love it here.  I suppose most people are content with what they've built with the ones they love and take some pride as they walk through it, but I r

  I know I haven't written here in a while.  I was in a bad place about my condition and treatment.  Return to chemo kicked my ass, Tiffany has been stressed and depressed about all this, and I wasn't feeling too well.  I worked last Saturday in the yard and then was sick the entire week and spent two days in the hospital.   However, I worked my ass off in the yard yesterday and too be honest got to a point where I thought I was going to pass out (Tiffany doesn't know this and might read this someday and get made at me :) I love you honey).  The truth is I had the pain in my gut, but I countered it with loperamide, binding food, liquids, vitamins, etc...  the hospital stay clicked something in me again to remind me that I am not going to take this shit lying down.  I am strong and I will be the man I am until I truly can't physically do it any longer and that time is not now. I am currently out on the deck, it is a little chilly, but it feels good to be outside again.  

  You should really watch this video:  https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ?si=LiBnzIls-xdSXxN5 It is getting to the morning walk days (two in a row) and I am really enjoying that.  I feel like shit, I don't know if it my nerves, spring allergies, or the cancer - maybe all three.  Either way, I don't feel well.  I know my sugar is messed up (hard to eat the BRAT diet and not mess up your sugar - it's all carbs).  I have been bad about the sugary snacks so I have to get better about that. I looks like we are going back to full blown chemo and I think I am ok with that.  It has kept me stable over the last 2 years and I just need a couple more to hopefully get Tiffany in a better retirement place.  Between my savings, pensions, and life insurance, she should be ok especially once she can draw SS. I'd like to make it much longer, but I would say realistically I have 3 to 5 if we don't get the liver under control (and I may be over shooting there). Well, time to walk the pup-pu

It's Christmas in May? Nah, just have that song stuck in my head.  Not sure why, I just do.  I am no longer in the doldrums, I am now lost at sea.  My scans came back with 4 tumors in the liver (again).  Some seem to be the same location that we had ablation.  I don't know if they are scare remnants or whether they are tumors, but according to the scan there is a new one that is 1cm in size.  It didn't exist in the last scan so that means in less than 2 months, that tumor started and is now a cm in size.  This scares me. I am beginning to lose hope on all of this; and that is the bad thing.  I had for sometime had this thought process that I would miraculously beat this thing and a part of me still believes that, but the negative thoughts are beginning to win. I think that my depression causes issues in the house and brings everyone down.  I have put everyone's life in limbo.  It is not really fair that no one gets to do anything because of me.  2.5 years of running bac