Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 It's been a while since I wrote anything.  Definitely, I am in the doldrums of cancer.  I thought I was before, but this is far more it.  I am not getting active treatment, not sure if I have any more tumors in my liver nor do I have any idea what we do next.  I suppose I need to push a bit more on the oncologist come the week after next (when we meet). I have a day of scans on the 1st, so I should have some information, but I feel I will be in whack-a-mole for the rest of my life.  See a tumor, burn the tumor.  I suppose I should have started this entry with "I shot the sheriff" as we will "kill it before it grows" or at least try to. I suppose my problem is I feel stuck.  My bowels don't let me do much.  In fact, I go from constipation to can't stop going with little to no reason.  I pretty much eat the same things every day.  I guess I should keep up a journal or something to track that.  If only I had some way to write down or log everything I eat (

 I decided not to go into work this morning.  I am not sure what is up with me, but I am losing my drive and I'm having a hard time keeping myself in a good place.  It is hard to figure out "what to do" as I have begun to realize that my entire being over the last couple of years has been work.  Happy hour after work, drinking on the weekends with friends from work, work, work, work... There is another theme in that paragraph - drinking.  Looking back, I must have been drinking every day (other than January when I took my required break).  It is hard for me to try and totally change who I am, but I need to figure out what to do with myself.   All of this is difficult as my insides are still difficult.  I have cramps in my midsection, most days and you never know when it is going to be time to go.  This makes planning or doing anything pretty hard.  Lastly, I have overspent in the last couple of years so spending money (like going out to eat) is pretty much off the table.

 I have realized that I am somewhat bored with everything.  Seriously, the internet bores me, social media (which is the internet) bores me, my games bore me, I have no real motivation about much of anything at the moment.  I have been trying to learn Java, but the class starts out way too rudimentary for me.  I need to find something that excites me, but I am having a hard time. I usually start gardening about now, but even that doesn't have my attention.  I guess I am a little depressed about money, about cancer, etc...  The cancer has me nervous as I never really know my status.  I suppose I am just going to have to enjoy life from scan to scan for the rest of it.  Watching Jason go down so quickly has been somewhat depressing (Jason is a fellow CRC sufferer from Canada). I wonder if this is how all older people feel.  Does life just drag on?  I think if my bowels weren't such a shit show that things might be different for me, but I spend most days (when I am out of the hous

  I have been in a really bad funk lately.  I am not sure why I lost a lot of my hope, but I suppose it is just a function of time.  I have had too much time to think about it, I have been in the limbo between cancer and no cancer for a while, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.   I suppose I had mentioned that the ablations were a success in the minds of the radiologist, but they got "everything they could see" and that last line makes all the difference.  I should be celebrating the fact that I have had all this time to be with Tiffany and the girls, and don't get me wrong, I cherish that fact that I have had time and as I have written before, I have never felt so loved. It seems obvious that I should keep this blog up better as the writing is cathartic.  I just lack a serious amount of motivation and it has to do with the constant waiting.  I never know where I am at in this process.  Someone asked me at work what the oncologist thought my chances were an

 Yes, that is War Games playing behind me :) Today is the near full eclipse here in Upstate NY.  Though we have a trip to NJ to do pump maintenance, we are going to stay and watch the eclipse before we leave for the day.  I have been in a funk lately and having a hard time finding joy in anything.  I through myself so hard into work the 10 years before my cancer diagnosis that I don't know what else I enjoy.   I lost a fellow cancer sufferer the other day.  He went pretty quickly once he went into managed hospice.  It is depressing to watch.  Jason was NED at one time, or at least thought he was.  I am glad that we never settled in too hard on the clear CT scans as I would be even more depressed than I already am.  It is really hard at times to find great joy when you are uncertain about your health. I suppose I should understand that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow.  I know about the infamous bus that might hit you, but mine is slowly driving down the road and I can't get out