Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  The washed out brightness of my UV Happy Light.  I would be lying if I said I was "happy".  I find a little contentment now and then.  I am a little better than yesterday.  I am trying to exercise a bit every morning and that seems to be helping.  I really need to find something to do that keeps my active or my brain busy, but then I feel like I am ignoring Tiffany.  It is a difficult balance as when I have too much time, I think about cancer. Well, I actually want to play a little Minecraft this morning so cutting this short. I love you all!

  Yes, it is that time of year where I am wearing the same sweatshirt for a couple days.  Live with it.  I guess I felt a little better yesterday, or I just ignored everything.  I am not eating as much which seems to help with the gut.  I am trying to motivate myself back to getting some exercise (did a bit yesterday morning) and it seems to help.  If anything it gets the adrenaline running which helps. They verbally told me that I have a procedure on the 14th of this month, but they haven't put it on my calendar.  I am getting very worried about the possibility that they won't be able to do it based on tumor location or size.   You know I don't ask this a lot, but why did this happen to me?  Not the best question to ask yourself when starting your day, but it is a valid question.  I could list all the things I did wrong in life or how badly I was taking care of myself, but there are those that are well beyond me.  I suppose anyone with cancer would ask that question.  I me

 I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.  I have been bad about it.  You think you are in the doldrums at the beginning of treatment, but it is nothing like when you are two years in.  I am so depressed.  My gut hurts every day, I feel sick with no real explanation for why I feel sick.  I am sure it is a combination of my gut not working right anymore and my depression, and the upcoming procedure, and...  You get the point. And yes, upcoming procedure.  I was so happy when they thought there was nothing.  My doctors even thought the same as one of them said, "I make them look good".  The liver surgeon didn't trust the CT, had and MRI, and bam - you still have cancer.  I'm fucking tired of it all.  The trips, the loneliness of illness, just fucking all of it. I am trying to be positive, I but on a good show for people outside the house.  I pretend to feel better and to be extremely positive, but the longer we get at this, the more scared I become. There are a lot of

  As of yesterday, it has been two years since I started writing this mess.  I tried to read some of the old posts, but you can tell I didn't proof read them :)  This is really just a brain dump at the time.  Sometimes, I talk about things that matter and others I just update my status.  The whole purpose of this blog was so my family could look back on it later and know how much I loved them and what I was thinking/feeling at the time.  I think you get the frustration from the entries and that I think about my wife and kids a lot. I have been struggling lately with motivation, what I should be doing, etc.  I spent most of my life combining family and socialization items with alcohol, so it is hard for me to think of "what did I used to do".  When I really give it some thought, my early youth was sports as often as possible, early video games (think Atari), and then hanging and drinking with friends.  My middle years were basically, working (and deployments), outdoor item

  So, in two days, it will be two years since I started this blog as a memory dump for my family.  At the time, I was not working on good news from the DR's of the time.  Well, two years later, I have just had a clean colonoscopy, but I still have some tumors in the liver.  My body has paid the price for all of this, but I am not complaining (at least not all the time).  I get to be with my family, I can still work and care for them, and if ablation is possible and goes well I see a point where I might be cancer free or at least given even more time. I get depressed, I think that is natural considering; and I am amazingly tired at times which is probably the result of the ground hog's day of treatment with no end in sight.  We have been told there will be a break in my treatment and hopefully those travel days don't get usurped by different days associated with ablation, but we will see.  Both Tiffany and I are tired.  The 8 weeks of a break isn't going to make anything