Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Well, finally in NYC for the liver ablation (this afternoon).  Once again, I am hoping for 3rd times a charm.  I wonder if we started this liver ablation sooner when the pump was still able to deliver chemo if it would have had better results.  I suppose the fact that I am still kicking is still good results. Tiffany and I upgraded to the penthouse in our hotel.  I know smell us, right?  It would be nice if it was higher in the air, but it is still a pretty big room.  Well it isn't really a room, it is an entry, living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so it's a condo.  I could live here.  Hell, it is way bigger than my apartment in Hawaii. I wish we had more time to enjoy the city.  We come up here for an appointment or a procedure and then right back to Erin.  I have been out of vacation time at work for months so this is all time off without pay.   Our world does not favor the sick.  Honestly what nat...

 I am glowing from the monitor light.  I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years?  That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today.  I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation.  So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love.  You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world.   I'm worried about this one.  Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....

  I really have to get more sweatshirts.  In a couple of days we will be heading back into NYC to get my liver ablated, again.  This is the 3rd time.  3rd times a charm?  I am not sure how I feel.  I spent all day Sunday getting things done outside so I still can burst some energy out, but it leaves me exhausted.  I don't have the energy I had just a few months. I have started another blog, but public - I am not sure why I am driven to do these things.  I have always been an introvert with a need for attention I guess (it's strange, I know). Well, I don't have a lot to say this morning outside of the fact that I am beginning to realize that I spent way too much time in my life thinking about me and it is sad that it has taken me this long to realize that life is about everyone else. I love you all!

 I could have sworn that I used that first line before, but it seems I haven't.  Doesn't matter, and I Love Her every day...  I am extremely stoned this morning I am testing my first actual flower on inside grow.  I can't seem to keep the leaves green during flower on indoor and I have been testing fertilization techniques.  The bud as I mentioned it is really strong. The outside harvest was stellar this year and resulted in some good bud as well: More than we could use for sure. My indoor garden hobby isn't as much a pull for me as outdoors.  I know it is the sun and warmth.  Tiffany and I sat outside yesterday and I really enjoyed it.  I had a beer and everything.  Days like that with the dogs running around, just talking and listening to the Beatles, and a modicum of sun are like dreams to me.  If there is a heaven, I could do that everyday for eternity. Well, my stoned ass has to get busy. I love you all!

  So, I have a full beard.  I didn't plan on doing no-shave November, but I was too lazy to shave and honestly wasn't taking very good care of myself.  So, I have a full beard.  I also have hair on the side of my head and I am amazed how red it still is. All that aside, I wonder how I feel.  I know that sounds funny, but it is hard to understand whether my ills are mental (depression, fear, anxiety), age issues (bad back, etc), or something to do with my cancer.  The last 3 years have aged me as well as my family. I have dropped off of social media as I just find it to be a distraction and "something to do".  I let those services drive into my ADHD/hyper activity and when I want to be distracted or avoid my work, there it is ready to waste hours of my time. You may ask, what am I doing with that time - nothing.  That isn't all true, I have focused a little more at work, I setup an AI system, etc... Things in the house are ok, I feel like I have lo...

 The computer camera does a poor job with the bright monitor light and the darker background.  I suppose I don't really care.  Things are just things.  I have been trying to not do social media or the news.  It is strange, because my day had become just constant small bits of time wasted on things that have no actual value.  Seriously, now that I am not just jumping on the social media or news sites, my mind is a mess.  It wants constant distraction rather than focus.  I wonder at which point in my life did I give in to the distraction impulses and stop actually focusing on things that matter. As I think through my life I become angered with myself.  I focused on work too much, too much distraction, and not enough focus on the things that matter.  As it is I have a hard time with affection towards people (pets, not so much).  I have been a closed door most of my life and the more I think about it, my lack of willingness to let mysel...

  No first line of a song today, I just can't.  I am not certain how so many of my fellow Americans can have so much hate in their hearts or such a strong concern for egg prices.  We live in a fucked up consumer frenzy where Jesus and Adam Smith are now somehow brother's in arms.  Wrap in the fear of brown people and you have a great recipe for population control.  Did we honestly think that America (the land of the free...) was ready to elect a mixed race woman? I want to think voters stayed home or whatever, but I am beginning to think that in order to get to a Star Trek universe, you have to go through hell.   I was hopeful that we would see some relief from the constant hate against those that are different, but I fear this will embolden those that would ostracize anyone that is different or disagrees with them.  I want to think that the executive doesn't have that much power, but with the loss of the senate, most likely not gaining the house,...

  Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something?  Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike).  I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside.  I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this.  I miss my morning summer walks.  The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer.  I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago.  I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring...