Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Morning!  Too early to do my outside routine yet (still have a good 1/2 hour ).  The dogs got me up at 4 AM so here I am inside.  I did the NJ trip and as expected we didn't do chemo yesterday as I didn't feel up to it.  I am starting to really feel better, but it was probably the best move as I feel sometimes like I am still suffering from that virus.   Things are moving along, I am going to see my family on the 4th.  Other than my mom and Matt, I haven't seen any of them.  We were trying not to get sick and of course, I get sick traveling back and forth to NJ (or at work).  Why do I know it is those two places?  Because I don't go anywhere else! It is funny, because I really don't feel like going anywhere (except the bathroom at the moment). Well, I need to run ;) I love you all!

 The last 3 days I have felt much better.  I put myself through a regimen of bland food and loperamide until I was able to handle other food.  I even had a small amount of red meat at the end of the week.  My gut is a little out of whack this morning, but I did that by eating too much while massively stoned yesterday.  Felt good to be hungry. I was really worried I was getting sick from the cancer and not some virus.  I have to remember that the cancer (as far as we know) is not impacting my health.  It is the treatment and subsequent past surgical complications that make me feel yucky.  The next time I feel sick, I need to resist assuming it is the cancer or the chemo (I think chemo helped, but I was sick, because I was sick). I have been pretty lucky to not have caught any viruses up to this point to be honest. Things have been going ok, the garden is slowly coming alive and I have big plans that I probably will never get to, but I have plans all the same.  I took this picture of the

  Today is the first day in a long time when I feel ok.  I hope I am on the downside of this virus.  Based on how I have been feeling, I think I have been struggling with this virus and dehydration for some time.  I know that I'm feeling better as I want to have things like hamburgers, sausages, and the like. My stomach is still crampy and my bowels - let's not even go there, but I am not feeling so sick, and that is important.  Felling so ill lately really made me feel as if maybe I wasn't doing so well against the cancer and I don't feel like that today.  Today, I feel like I could do things - this is good! I think once I get through this virus I am going to suggest to Tiffany that we start doing our Saturday or Sunday afternoon eat out thing.  I feel bad that she has to be locked up in the house with me all the time. In all honesty, the last few weeks had me feeling like I was losing this fight, now I know that I just had a bad round. Well, time to get back at it. I

  So, I have pretty sick.  I have been in the hospital a couple times, dehydration, etc...  Turns out I have norovirus.  On top of the BS with my bowels sucking already, I get a flu that tears through your insides.  I am just starting to feel a tiny bit better, but I'm told due to my low immunity it could take some time.  Speaking of my low immunity, my WBC count was so low that I had to get a shot for it.  This may explain why I was so sick with that virus, but who knows. Honestly, I was feeling so sick that I told Tiffany we need to start having some serious conversations.  My body is getting pretty weak.  I am down to 177 lbs again and most of my muscle tone is nearly gone.  I am starting to "look sick" or at least to me.  People tell me I don't look ill, but it is hard to look in the mirror and not see a sick man.   I am trying not to lose the mental game, but the whole thing is so daunting.  With me starting to feel better (at least in the AM) I am getting a litt

 Listening to the Sundays this morning on the morning summer deck (my happy place).  Here's Where the Story Ends seems to be fitting for me the last few days.  I have a norovirus, I suppose it was inevitable until I picked up a virus that most people kick in 2-3 days and it is causing me misery. I have been trying to keep my energy up and keep my garden growing.  I suspect this virus has been slowly attacking me and I have not been able to recover appropriately.  My white blood cell count has been low in the last few blood tests, so I did get some meds to help stimulate my white blood cell production.  Unfortunately, there is no treatment for norovirus except time.  This treatment cycle was Hell and I spent two days in the hospital (again).  I was really sick on the way home from treatment and turned colors I've never seen on my body.  I really hope that I don't go out this way, with a fucking viral infection.  So, I choose not to damn it! Speaking of gardening, here are so

  Back to NJ today.  It beats going to NYC for sure, but I really do hate chemo.  I have been feeling weird as of late.  A lot of pain in my gut, a lot of loperamide, and just not feeling all too hot.  I have been able to get out of the house and get some things done.  I have some new plants growing in the flower beds (I hope we get to see some flowers this season) and I have some MJ plants everywhere.  I am having a bit of an avid issue so I may order some lady bugs (or other predator like the brown lacewing).  I may have flea beetles though and I am not sure if the lacewings will eat them. Any how, I am cold and going to head back inside.  Besides, I need to charge this laptop. I love you all!

 So, it is another cool morning hence the two hoodies.  I really can't explain how much I enjoy sitting out on the deck on these summer mornings with the classical music playing lightly, the birds singing loudly, and the dogs barking at whatever the dogs bark at. I really do love this deck and the home Tiffany and I have built.  It's a mess, it needs a major overhaul, but it is our chaos and mess. My health has been a bit of a mess.  I have found that I really can't eat much of anything with fat.  It causes me to have some serious digestive issues.  I try to eat better, but it is hard.  I should be making food for Tiffany and I to make sure we are both eating better, but I am so tired by dinner time.   I wish I could do more outside of the house, but I just never know how my insides are going to feel from day to day.  For instance the last couple of days I have been in the bathroom more times than I could count.  If I'm out of the house, it is hard to plan for such thin

  I always talk about the doldrums, but that is somewhat of a broken record now isn't it.  Is cancer just one long period of depression and then you die?  Don't get me wrong, I am content.  I have the love of a wonderful woman, great caring children, generally good pets, and a little garden.  What else could one ask for? In all honesty, at this point I just don't know what my status is.  I am getting to the point that I realize I will most likely never be in remission and I have come to terms with that.  I am hoping to squeeze out 5 more years.  This way I get Tiffany reality close to the point where she can be on both social security and medicare.  I don't think, but can be hopeful that I make 7 years which would easily get her to a point where our savings and her SS/medicare will carry her through. I am happy that we are now into spring/summer.  I get so depressed in the winter.  I have sat outside the last few mornings and it has really helped with my mental state.