Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 I have to admit, I am kind of lost.  After months of thinking that I was improving or stable, they found more tumors in my liver on an MRI.  Seems the CT scan is not the best test for the liver.  There has been so much going on at home and so much to do with treatment (travelled three weeks straight) that I am just burnt out.  Where before I was trying to fill myself with hope, I am not filled with uncertainty and doubt.  Everyone around me is depressed and I feel like I am the cause of all of it. I have decided to take a break in chemo in the pump.  Not sure if it is a good idea and the DR didn't help with the answer, but the constant trips have been causing churn.  Tiffany cried the other week because she didn't want to drive in the weather, Maeve won't let us leave the house at the same time, and I am so stressed about everything that my head is about to explode. I am not even sure what to do on most days.  I was trying to think of what I...

  It seems like a long time since I wrote anything, but it really hasn't.  I used to do this everyday, but days seem rushed any more, like they used to.  I keep thinking I have so much to do, but I really don't.  I really don't know if relaxed for me means nothing to do.  I think sometimes keeping busy keeps my mind from thinking too much.   I have an MRI next week since the CT didn't see any tumors in my liver.  I am terrified as I am extremely hopeful that I could get through this.  I know that eventually some day I will pass.  I know that it most likely won't be on my terms, because who really wants to go right? My bowels are still all kinds of fucked up.  It feels like there is a ball of gas in there everyday and that I have to go, but...  You get the point.  The colonoscopy is the two weeks from then and following that I have treatment into March where I will get another scan.  If that is clear, I go on a break f...

  I know I haven't been very good about keeping this up.  I get in the summer as I am outside as soon as I can be, but winter isn't like that.  I was working a little harder on work stuff, but that has started to wane.  I really am in the doldrums and I am not sure how to get out.  My gut has been killing me the last couple of days (feel like I am blocked up).  With Tiffany's dad passing she has been more depressed than normal about all this.  Tiffany's day (and rightfully so) over shadowed my news that the CT scans showed no signs of cancer.  Of course I still have an MRI and colonoscopy to really know.  And do you really know?  It is just a cell, so small...  I get concerned that it is floating around my body somewhere just getting ready to start all this BS again.  We still have almost constant travel to NJ for the next few weeks as though we have an MRI and the colonoscopy, we still have treatment until the end of March and...

 We got wonderful news this week.  My CT scans show no signs of cancer.  My CT scans show no signs of cancer.  I had to write it twice to let it sink in.  2 years of all of this and I was getting so tired.  This is the shot in the arm I needed.  I say that as I don't think this game/war/battle is over.  I don't think it ever will be, but I will take this pause, armistice, or whatever it is.  All in all, it is a win. I am not going to let myself get too excited, but I am also going to start being better about what I eat (more so how much of it) and continue to be good about the alcohol.  By bloodwork and other tests are all normal and I aim to keep it that way. The one thing that all of this has made evidently clear was how much Tiffany loves me and how much I desperately love her.  I am not lying when I say that if it wasn't for her and the girls I can't guarantee I would have pushed through this as aggressively as I have. ...