Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Do I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday? Yes, yes, I do.   Well, it looks like I am still an ablation candidate, but if I keep growing new liver tumors it is going to start looking bleaker.  I wish there was something I could control on all of this, but as I have said before, I am just the battleground.  I understand the positive attitude and all - I have that.  Also, I am determined to get Tiffany to the point she can collect social security.  This means I have to continue to beat the odds for a few more years.  I look forward to reading this a couple years from now and laugh that I was scared about not making it at times. Well, I have a couple of things to get done before work. I love you all!

  So, the path before me is getting a little narrow.  For the first time my oncologist seems more negative about my status than positive and my treatment options are narrowing.  I have unfortunately, told Tiffany that is time for us to start getting serious about our conversations on estate planning etc.  I hate that I am causing everyone so much pain and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. Cancer fucking sucks, it robs you of your daily life and then it leaves your family with a memory of you as a sick person.  I don't want to be remembered as a cancer patient, I want to be remembered as a good father and a loving husband. I miss the old me, but what I don't miss is being at work all day.  I don't miss trying to climb a corporate ladder or making a lot of money.  I changed jobs to have time with Tiffany and the girls.  Honestly, that still happened and I wouldn't swap that time for anything.  Many times we were all just sitting in the...

  I definitely don't write as often as I used to.  Things don't change much when you get deep into treatment.  Time seems to be a gift and an enemy for the most part.  I am in break from treatment post ablation, but have no idea where I am at from a cancer perspective.  Believe it or not, my bowels have gotten better (of sorts),but my hernias are annoying and I get that stupid pain in my upper right side under my rib cage.   I suppose I should be grateful that I have been able to take care of the family this long, but I am not sure that my cancer isn't destroying it as well.  I didn't see it as much with my father, but now with my mother being sick, I hate that old age and illness become a burden.  You work so hard your whole life to give to yourself and your family only to find at the end of it, you are a burden. I sometimes miss being younger, I sometimes miss being middle age, but I don't think anyone ever misses being old and broken. Well...