Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  I am still hear MFers!  Sorry, best way to say that when I have taken a three week break from writing in this blog (I have so many).  This was is meant to be re-read after I beat this shit (or don't) to remind about the journey and my learnings. Things have been going well, I haven't had any treatment since sometime in Nov or Oct maybe even longer.  In Nov (the 21st) I had another ablation (3rd times a charm) and this week (Jan 2) I have scans again.  So, of course I am freaking out.  If things go right, I will be cancer free, if they don't, I am back into the shit. I have to say, short of my shitty ass digestive system (see what I did there), I feel ok.  All of this shit the last couple of years has beaten the hell out of me, but I persevere.  I will continue to fight regardless, but I am hoping for the first real clean scan. Well, I have to get to work. Love you all!

 I've dipped into the winter hoodies so maybe I will be wearing something different in these pictures.  I don't have a lot of time to write. You know, I almost never write the date anymore.  Funny, it used to be so important and now it is just another day.  Interesting to watch over the years how things have changed and what we focus on.  For example, I have no idea why people wear watches any more, even the smart ones.  I mean I am the most technical IT obsessed person I know and I want to shed my phone as it tries to keep me engaged and I don't like that. As to me, I had a 3rd ablation - let's hope 3rd times a charm.  I am feeling ok except my insides are still a wreck and I think this is just something I have to deal with forever. Off to get the dogs and get ready for work. I love you all!

  Well, finally in NYC for the liver ablation (this afternoon).  Once again, I am hoping for 3rd times a charm.  I wonder if we started this liver ablation sooner when the pump was still able to deliver chemo if it would have had better results.  I suppose the fact that I am still kicking is still good results. Tiffany and I upgraded to the penthouse in our hotel.  I know smell us, right?  It would be nice if it was higher in the air, but it is still a pretty big room.  Well it isn't really a room, it is an entry, living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so it's a condo.  I could live here.  Hell, it is way bigger than my apartment in Hawaii. I wish we had more time to enjoy the city.  We come up here for an appointment or a procedure and then right back to Erin.  I have been out of vacation time at work for months so this is all time off without pay.   Our world does not favor the sick.  Honestly what nat...

 I am glowing from the monitor light.  I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years?  That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today.  I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation.  So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love.  You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world.   I'm worried about this one.  Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....

  I really have to get more sweatshirts.  In a couple of days we will be heading back into NYC to get my liver ablated, again.  This is the 3rd time.  3rd times a charm?  I am not sure how I feel.  I spent all day Sunday getting things done outside so I still can burst some energy out, but it leaves me exhausted.  I don't have the energy I had just a few months. I have started another blog, but public - I am not sure why I am driven to do these things.  I have always been an introvert with a need for attention I guess (it's strange, I know). Well, I don't have a lot to say this morning outside of the fact that I am beginning to realize that I spent way too much time in my life thinking about me and it is sad that it has taken me this long to realize that life is about everyone else. I love you all!

 I could have sworn that I used that first line before, but it seems I haven't.  Doesn't matter, and I Love Her every day...  I am extremely stoned this morning I am testing my first actual flower on inside grow.  I can't seem to keep the leaves green during flower on indoor and I have been testing fertilization techniques.  The bud as I mentioned it is really strong. The outside harvest was stellar this year and resulted in some good bud as well: More than we could use for sure. My indoor garden hobby isn't as much a pull for me as outdoors.  I know it is the sun and warmth.  Tiffany and I sat outside yesterday and I really enjoyed it.  I had a beer and everything.  Days like that with the dogs running around, just talking and listening to the Beatles, and a modicum of sun are like dreams to me.  If there is a heaven, I could do that everyday for eternity. Well, my stoned ass has to get busy. I love you all!