Posts

I just can't - November 6, 2024

Image
  No first line of a song today, I just can't.  I am not certain how so many of my fellow Americans can have so much hate in their hearts or such a strong concern for egg prices.  We live in a fucked up consumer frenzy where Jesus and Adam Smith are now somehow brother's in arms.  Wrap in the fear of brown people and you have a great recipe for population control.  Did we honestly think that America (the land of the free...) was ready to elect a mixed race woman? I want to think voters stayed home or whatever, but I am beginning to think that in order to get to a Star Trek universe, you have to go through hell.   I was hopeful that we would see some relief from the constant hate against those that are different, but I fear this will embolden those that would ostracize anyone that is different or disagrees with them.  I want to think that the executive doesn't have that much power, but with the loss of the senate, most likely not gaining the house, leaves very little between
Post a Comment
Read more

Just the other night at a hometown football game... November 4, 2024

Image
  Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something?  Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike).  I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside.  I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this.  I miss my morning summer walks.  The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer.  I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago.  I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring. It has been so ha
Post a Comment
Read more

There must be some misunderstanding... October 24, 2024

Image
  Do I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday? Yes, yes, I do.   Well, it looks like I am still an ablation candidate, but if I keep growing new liver tumors it is going to start looking bleaker.  I wish there was something I could control on all of this, but as I have said before, I am just the battleground.  I understand the positive attitude and all - I have that.  Also, I am determined to get Tiffany to the point she can collect social security.  This means I have to continue to beat the odds for a few more years.  I look forward to reading this a couple years from now and laugh that I was scared about not making it at times. Well, I have a couple of things to get done before work. I love you all!
Post a Comment
Read more

I said go if you wanna go... October 23, 2024

Image
  So, the path before me is getting a little narrow.  For the first time my oncologist seems more negative about my status than positive and my treatment options are narrowing.  I have unfortunately, told Tiffany that is time for us to start getting serious about our conversations on estate planning etc.  I hate that I am causing everyone so much pain and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. Cancer fucking sucks, it robs you of your daily life and then it leaves your family with a memory of you as a sick person.  I don't want to be remembered as a cancer patient, I want to be remembered as a good father and a loving husband. I miss the old me, but what I don't miss is being at work all day.  I don't miss trying to climb a corporate ladder or making a lot of money.  I changed jobs to have time with Tiffany and the girls.  Honestly, that still happened and I wouldn't swap that time for anything.  Many times we were all just sitting in the living room, but I have bee
Post a Comment
Read more

Maybe I didn't love you... October 10, 2024

Image
  I definitely don't write as often as I used to.  Things don't change much when you get deep into treatment.  Time seems to be a gift and an enemy for the most part.  I am in break from treatment post ablation, but have no idea where I am at from a cancer perspective.  Believe it or not, my bowels have gotten better (of sorts),but my hernias are annoying and I get that stupid pain in my upper right side under my rib cage.   I suppose I should be grateful that I have been able to take care of the family this long, but I am not sure that my cancer isn't destroying it as well.  I didn't see it as much with my father, but now with my mother being sick, I hate that old age and illness become a burden.  You work so hard your whole life to give to yourself and your family only to find at the end of it, you are a burden. I sometimes miss being younger, I sometimes miss being middle age, but I don't think anyone ever misses being old and broken. Well, no reason to depress m
Post a Comment
Read more

Mississippi in the middle of a dry spell... September 13, 2024

Image
  I suppose I should have put a Friday the 13th kind of song at the title.  As normal, the song title never relates to what I write.  Just happens to be either stuck in my head of the first song I think of (that I haven't put on the title before). Things are going ok.  Tiffany and I keep passing this damn intestinal bug back and forth, but she seems to have it worse than I do and more.  It was hard for me to kick and I am pretty sure I had it for months. Ablation went well from a recovery stand point.  Just a little pain now that we are coming to the end of the 2nd week moving into the third.  My hernias seem to bother me more than anything.  The oncologist doesn't recommend getting them fixed at this time. He is a hard read, but he made it pretty clear he doesn't recommend fixing them at all.  I get to thinking he is just trying to keep me alive and anything that interferes with that is on the don't do it list. All in all though, I could be in worse places.  I haven
Post a Comment
Read more

It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing... August 23, 2024

Image
 The dogs woke me up at 4:12 AM again this morning.  I say again, because I haven't slept until my alarm in days.  It doesn't help that I am having a hard time getting to sleep.  So needless to say, I am fucking tired. I have ablations next week.  The IR's office moved the procedure from Sept 9th up to August 27.  I think this is good as it limits the amount of time I am off chemo.  I don't want to go back on chemo, but I know it is my best chance for survival.  I am not certain if that is the path my oncologist will take as I don't talk to him until Sept 3rd, but I am assuming. I still have two hernias that I need to deal with.  They don't bother me that much, but when I am active, they can be pretty painful.  I do get worried about all these procedures.  Funny, before my appendectomy I hadn't had as much as a broken bone.  Now, I have had more Dr. visits and surgeries in the last 3 years than I have had my whole life.  Getting old sucks. Sunrise isn't
Post a Comment
Read more