Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Well, May 13 - I made another spring, suck that life.  I will admit things are getting hard.  My insides hurt most of the time, the chemo is starting to really kick the shit out of my ability to think, but I persevere. Honestly, I am in the middle of a chemo treatment, 2 of what I think is 6 or at least 5 treatments.  We are hoping this shrinks everything that started growing, giving me more time. There just isn't enough time, seriously. Gusty had baby number 2 (Declan Micheal - yes, I meant that ;) ).  He is so beautiful.  I worry that her children won't know me, just like I didn't know my grandfather.  This makes me sad. Somedays, it just feels like I am going through the motions of living.  I think that makes sense right?  I mean especially during this chemo thing, I can't really do much, I spend most of the time stoned and out of it to keep from feeling like shit.  Sometimes, I think it is just my head and others, I know that shit i...

 So, I tried to rescue the rabbit from the dogs, but Bear had already broken it's back or neck with the shaking.  It is so upsetting and when I get one dog off, the other runs at it.  I finally got them inside, but it was too late for the bunny.  It makes me so sad and ruins my morning to be honest.  I had been so enjoying my morning walks.  My guess is the bunny was living under the deck, came out and couldn't find a way back in.  I need to close off the whole thing to try and stop that.  The dogs are really good at cornering the rabbit, but I guess it is in their nature right? I start chemo back up this week (I think).  It has been a really long time (since August).  I am not looking forward to it, but I need it unfortunately.  I have 4 new tumors in my abdomen (on lymph nodes) and a couple new ones in my liver.  The chemo has worked before, but I am concerned.  I am keeping my can't stop me attitude, but lately, I have ...

  Well, it's funny because today, I actually feel better than I have in weeks.  I'm not certain why, but I will take it. My tumors grew slightly.  My oncologist gave me the choice to continue chemo or continue my break and we think it is time to get back on the juice.  I still have hope that I will beat this thing, but I fear it is going to do me in as well.  Most days my insides hurt and I wonder if others that don't have my ability to ignore pain would be as functional as I am. Either way, I continue to persevere and that is due to all the support I get at home.  My wife is fucking amazing. I just thought I would check in.  With summer coming I will be out of my stupid funk that winter throws me into and maybe being active will help me feel more energetic (I know it will). Well, back to work. I love you all!

 Well, not sure I have written since all the news.  I am on a chemo break, only because we are saving it for when it is necessary as I have 4 small tumors and they need to see what happens with them.  My gut is sore most days regardless of what I eat and it is getting a bit annoying. I just feel like I am stuck in some sort of purgatory and unfortunately brought my family with me.   Regardless, I still have my strength (short of the hernias) and I am able to do most things.  That is all good. Well, need to make my breakfast I love you all!

  Say goodbye to this hair today, because today I am cutting it all off.  My kids have never seen me with hair so I thought this would show them my red locks.  I didn't tell anyone that, but I just don't feel like I have had enough time with them.  With anyone.  I spend so much of my life trying to be alone, comfortable with it, that I didn't realize how much I needed others.  Maybe a bit too late. As you can see I am struggling a bit.  My most recent scans came back pretty bad.  I haven't had chemo in a while, but even the liver that they just ablated had 3 new tumors.  I also look like I have abdominal lymph node involvement as well.  I can't stop crying this morning, and maybe that's what I need. I'm so tired of being strong and humble, and I just want to scream and understand why me.  It took me so long to find my way home, was it too much to ask that I have more than 24 years to enjoy it. Enough about me.  I worry so much ...

  I am still hear MFers!  Sorry, best way to say that when I have taken a three week break from writing in this blog (I have so many).  This was is meant to be re-read after I beat this shit (or don't) to remind about the journey and my learnings. Things have been going well, I haven't had any treatment since sometime in Nov or Oct maybe even longer.  In Nov (the 21st) I had another ablation (3rd times a charm) and this week (Jan 2) I have scans again.  So, of course I am freaking out.  If things go right, I will be cancer free, if they don't, I am back into the shit. I have to say, short of my shitty ass digestive system (see what I did there), I feel ok.  All of this shit the last couple of years has beaten the hell out of me, but I persevere.  I will continue to fight regardless, but I am hoping for the first real clean scan. Well, I have to get to work. Love you all!