Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Well, it's funny because today, I actually feel better than I have in weeks.  I'm not certain why, but I will take it. My tumors grew slightly.  My oncologist gave me the choice to continue chemo or continue my break and we think it is time to get back on the juice.  I still have hope that I will beat this thing, but I fear it is going to do me in as well.  Most days my insides hurt and I wonder if others that don't have my ability to ignore pain would be as functional as I am. Either way, I continue to persevere and that is due to all the support I get at home.  My wife is fucking amazing. I just thought I would check in.  With summer coming I will be out of my stupid funk that winter throws me into and maybe being active will help me feel more energetic (I know it will). Well, back to work. I love you all!

 Well, not sure I have written since all the news.  I am on a chemo break, only because we are saving it for when it is necessary as I have 4 small tumors and they need to see what happens with them.  My gut is sore most days regardless of what I eat and it is getting a bit annoying. I just feel like I am stuck in some sort of purgatory and unfortunately brought my family with me.   Regardless, I still have my strength (short of the hernias) and I am able to do most things.  That is all good. Well, need to make my breakfast I love you all!

  Say goodbye to this hair today, because today I am cutting it all off.  My kids have never seen me with hair so I thought this would show them my red locks.  I didn't tell anyone that, but I just don't feel like I have had enough time with them.  With anyone.  I spend so much of my life trying to be alone, comfortable with it, that I didn't realize how much I needed others.  Maybe a bit too late. As you can see I am struggling a bit.  My most recent scans came back pretty bad.  I haven't had chemo in a while, but even the liver that they just ablated had 3 new tumors.  I also look like I have abdominal lymph node involvement as well.  I can't stop crying this morning, and maybe that's what I need. I'm so tired of being strong and humble, and I just want to scream and understand why me.  It took me so long to find my way home, was it too much to ask that I have more than 24 years to enjoy it. Enough about me.  I worry so much ...

  I am still hear MFers!  Sorry, best way to say that when I have taken a three week break from writing in this blog (I have so many).  This was is meant to be re-read after I beat this shit (or don't) to remind about the journey and my learnings. Things have been going well, I haven't had any treatment since sometime in Nov or Oct maybe even longer.  In Nov (the 21st) I had another ablation (3rd times a charm) and this week (Jan 2) I have scans again.  So, of course I am freaking out.  If things go right, I will be cancer free, if they don't, I am back into the shit. I have to say, short of my shitty ass digestive system (see what I did there), I feel ok.  All of this shit the last couple of years has beaten the hell out of me, but I persevere.  I will continue to fight regardless, but I am hoping for the first real clean scan. Well, I have to get to work. Love you all!

 I've dipped into the winter hoodies so maybe I will be wearing something different in these pictures.  I don't have a lot of time to write. You know, I almost never write the date anymore.  Funny, it used to be so important and now it is just another day.  Interesting to watch over the years how things have changed and what we focus on.  For example, I have no idea why people wear watches any more, even the smart ones.  I mean I am the most technical IT obsessed person I know and I want to shed my phone as it tries to keep me engaged and I don't like that. As to me, I had a 3rd ablation - let's hope 3rd times a charm.  I am feeling ok except my insides are still a wreck and I think this is just something I have to deal with forever. Off to get the dogs and get ready for work. I love you all!

  Well, finally in NYC for the liver ablation (this afternoon).  Once again, I am hoping for 3rd times a charm.  I wonder if we started this liver ablation sooner when the pump was still able to deliver chemo if it would have had better results.  I suppose the fact that I am still kicking is still good results. Tiffany and I upgraded to the penthouse in our hotel.  I know smell us, right?  It would be nice if it was higher in the air, but it is still a pretty big room.  Well it isn't really a room, it is an entry, living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so it's a condo.  I could live here.  Hell, it is way bigger than my apartment in Hawaii. I wish we had more time to enjoy the city.  We come up here for an appointment or a procedure and then right back to Erin.  I have been out of vacation time at work for months so this is all time off without pay.   Our world does not favor the sick.  Honestly what nat...