Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Well, not sure I have written since all the news.  I am on a chemo break, only because we are saving it for when it is necessary as I have 4 small tumors and they need to see what happens with them.  My gut is sore most days regardless of what I eat and it is getting a bit annoying. I just feel like I am stuck in some sort of purgatory and unfortunately brought my family with me.   Regardless, I still have my strength (short of the hernias) and I am able to do most things.  That is all good. Well, need to make my breakfast I love you all!

  Say goodbye to this hair today, because today I am cutting it all off.  My kids have never seen me with hair so I thought this would show them my red locks.  I didn't tell anyone that, but I just don't feel like I have had enough time with them.  With anyone.  I spend so much of my life trying to be alone, comfortable with it, that I didn't realize how much I needed others.  Maybe a bit too late. As you can see I am struggling a bit.  My most recent scans came back pretty bad.  I haven't had chemo in a while, but even the liver that they just ablated had 3 new tumors.  I also look like I have abdominal lymph node involvement as well.  I can't stop crying this morning, and maybe that's what I need. I'm so tired of being strong and humble, and I just want to scream and understand why me.  It took me so long to find my way home, was it too much to ask that I have more than 24 years to enjoy it. Enough about me.  I worry so much ...

  I am still hear MFers!  Sorry, best way to say that when I have taken a three week break from writing in this blog (I have so many).  This was is meant to be re-read after I beat this shit (or don't) to remind about the journey and my learnings. Things have been going well, I haven't had any treatment since sometime in Nov or Oct maybe even longer.  In Nov (the 21st) I had another ablation (3rd times a charm) and this week (Jan 2) I have scans again.  So, of course I am freaking out.  If things go right, I will be cancer free, if they don't, I am back into the shit. I have to say, short of my shitty ass digestive system (see what I did there), I feel ok.  All of this shit the last couple of years has beaten the hell out of me, but I persevere.  I will continue to fight regardless, but I am hoping for the first real clean scan. Well, I have to get to work. Love you all!

 I've dipped into the winter hoodies so maybe I will be wearing something different in these pictures.  I don't have a lot of time to write. You know, I almost never write the date anymore.  Funny, it used to be so important and now it is just another day.  Interesting to watch over the years how things have changed and what we focus on.  For example, I have no idea why people wear watches any more, even the smart ones.  I mean I am the most technical IT obsessed person I know and I want to shed my phone as it tries to keep me engaged and I don't like that. As to me, I had a 3rd ablation - let's hope 3rd times a charm.  I am feeling ok except my insides are still a wreck and I think this is just something I have to deal with forever. Off to get the dogs and get ready for work. I love you all!

  Well, finally in NYC for the liver ablation (this afternoon).  Once again, I am hoping for 3rd times a charm.  I wonder if we started this liver ablation sooner when the pump was still able to deliver chemo if it would have had better results.  I suppose the fact that I am still kicking is still good results. Tiffany and I upgraded to the penthouse in our hotel.  I know smell us, right?  It would be nice if it was higher in the air, but it is still a pretty big room.  Well it isn't really a room, it is an entry, living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, so it's a condo.  I could live here.  Hell, it is way bigger than my apartment in Hawaii. I wish we had more time to enjoy the city.  We come up here for an appointment or a procedure and then right back to Erin.  I have been out of vacation time at work for months so this is all time off without pay.   Our world does not favor the sick.  Honestly what nat...

 I am glowing from the monitor light.  I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years?  That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today.  I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation.  So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love.  You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world.   I'm worried about this one.  Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....

  I really have to get more sweatshirts.  In a couple of days we will be heading back into NYC to get my liver ablated, again.  This is the 3rd time.  3rd times a charm?  I am not sure how I feel.  I spent all day Sunday getting things done outside so I still can burst some energy out, but it leaves me exhausted.  I don't have the energy I had just a few months. I have started another blog, but public - I am not sure why I am driven to do these things.  I have always been an introvert with a need for attention I guess (it's strange, I know). Well, I don't have a lot to say this morning outside of the fact that I am beginning to realize that I spent way too much time in my life thinking about me and it is sad that it has taken me this long to realize that life is about everyone else. I love you all!

 I could have sworn that I used that first line before, but it seems I haven't.  Doesn't matter, and I Love Her every day...  I am extremely stoned this morning I am testing my first actual flower on inside grow.  I can't seem to keep the leaves green during flower on indoor and I have been testing fertilization techniques.  The bud as I mentioned it is really strong. The outside harvest was stellar this year and resulted in some good bud as well: More than we could use for sure. My indoor garden hobby isn't as much a pull for me as outdoors.  I know it is the sun and warmth.  Tiffany and I sat outside yesterday and I really enjoyed it.  I had a beer and everything.  Days like that with the dogs running around, just talking and listening to the Beatles, and a modicum of sun are like dreams to me.  If there is a heaven, I could do that everyday for eternity. Well, my stoned ass has to get busy. I love you all!

  So, I have a full beard.  I didn't plan on doing no-shave November, but I was too lazy to shave and honestly wasn't taking very good care of myself.  So, I have a full beard.  I also have hair on the side of my head and I am amazed how red it still is. All that aside, I wonder how I feel.  I know that sounds funny, but it is hard to understand whether my ills are mental (depression, fear, anxiety), age issues (bad back, etc), or something to do with my cancer.  The last 3 years have aged me as well as my family. I have dropped off of social media as I just find it to be a distraction and "something to do".  I let those services drive into my ADHD/hyper activity and when I want to be distracted or avoid my work, there it is ready to waste hours of my time. You may ask, what am I doing with that time - nothing.  That isn't all true, I have focused a little more at work, I setup an AI system, etc... Things in the house are ok, I feel like I have lo...

 The computer camera does a poor job with the bright monitor light and the darker background.  I suppose I don't really care.  Things are just things.  I have been trying to not do social media or the news.  It is strange, because my day had become just constant small bits of time wasted on things that have no actual value.  Seriously, now that I am not just jumping on the social media or news sites, my mind is a mess.  It wants constant distraction rather than focus.  I wonder at which point in my life did I give in to the distraction impulses and stop actually focusing on things that matter. As I think through my life I become angered with myself.  I focused on work too much, too much distraction, and not enough focus on the things that matter.  As it is I have a hard time with affection towards people (pets, not so much).  I have been a closed door most of my life and the more I think about it, my lack of willingness to let mysel...

  No first line of a song today, I just can't.  I am not certain how so many of my fellow Americans can have so much hate in their hearts or such a strong concern for egg prices.  We live in a fucked up consumer frenzy where Jesus and Adam Smith are now somehow brother's in arms.  Wrap in the fear of brown people and you have a great recipe for population control.  Did we honestly think that America (the land of the free...) was ready to elect a mixed race woman? I want to think voters stayed home or whatever, but I am beginning to think that in order to get to a Star Trek universe, you have to go through hell.   I was hopeful that we would see some relief from the constant hate against those that are different, but I fear this will embolden those that would ostracize anyone that is different or disagrees with them.  I want to think that the executive doesn't have that much power, but with the loss of the senate, most likely not gaining the house,...

  Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something?  Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike).  I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside.  I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this.  I miss my morning summer walks.  The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer.  I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago.  I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring...

  Do I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday? Yes, yes, I do.   Well, it looks like I am still an ablation candidate, but if I keep growing new liver tumors it is going to start looking bleaker.  I wish there was something I could control on all of this, but as I have said before, I am just the battleground.  I understand the positive attitude and all - I have that.  Also, I am determined to get Tiffany to the point she can collect social security.  This means I have to continue to beat the odds for a few more years.  I look forward to reading this a couple years from now and laugh that I was scared about not making it at times. Well, I have a couple of things to get done before work. I love you all!

  So, the path before me is getting a little narrow.  For the first time my oncologist seems more negative about my status than positive and my treatment options are narrowing.  I have unfortunately, told Tiffany that is time for us to start getting serious about our conversations on estate planning etc.  I hate that I am causing everyone so much pain and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. Cancer fucking sucks, it robs you of your daily life and then it leaves your family with a memory of you as a sick person.  I don't want to be remembered as a cancer patient, I want to be remembered as a good father and a loving husband. I miss the old me, but what I don't miss is being at work all day.  I don't miss trying to climb a corporate ladder or making a lot of money.  I changed jobs to have time with Tiffany and the girls.  Honestly, that still happened and I wouldn't swap that time for anything.  Many times we were all just sitting in the...

  I definitely don't write as often as I used to.  Things don't change much when you get deep into treatment.  Time seems to be a gift and an enemy for the most part.  I am in break from treatment post ablation, but have no idea where I am at from a cancer perspective.  Believe it or not, my bowels have gotten better (of sorts),but my hernias are annoying and I get that stupid pain in my upper right side under my rib cage.   I suppose I should be grateful that I have been able to take care of the family this long, but I am not sure that my cancer isn't destroying it as well.  I didn't see it as much with my father, but now with my mother being sick, I hate that old age and illness become a burden.  You work so hard your whole life to give to yourself and your family only to find at the end of it, you are a burden. I sometimes miss being younger, I sometimes miss being middle age, but I don't think anyone ever misses being old and broken. Well...

  I suppose I should have put a Friday the 13th kind of song at the title.  As normal, the song title never relates to what I write.  Just happens to be either stuck in my head of the first song I think of (that I haven't put on the title before). Things are going ok.  Tiffany and I keep passing this damn intestinal bug back and forth, but she seems to have it worse than I do and more.  It was hard for me to kick and I am pretty sure I had it for months. Ablation went well from a recovery stand point.  Just a little pain now that we are coming to the end of the 2nd week moving into the third.  My hernias seem to bother me more than anything.  The oncologist doesn't recommend getting them fixed at this time. He is a hard read, but he made it pretty clear he doesn't recommend fixing them at all.  I get to thinking he is just trying to keep me alive and anything that interferes with that is on the don't do it list. All in all though, I could be ...

 The dogs woke me up at 4:12 AM again this morning.  I say again, because I haven't slept until my alarm in days.  It doesn't help that I am having a hard time getting to sleep.  So needless to say, I am fucking tired. I have ablations next week.  The IR's office moved the procedure from Sept 9th up to August 27.  I think this is good as it limits the amount of time I am off chemo.  I don't want to go back on chemo, but I know it is my best chance for survival.  I am not certain if that is the path my oncologist will take as I don't talk to him until Sept 3rd, but I am assuming. I still have two hernias that I need to deal with.  They don't bother me that much, but when I am active, they can be pretty painful.  I do get worried about all these procedures.  Funny, before my appendectomy I hadn't had as much as a broken bone.  Now, I have had more Dr. visits and surgeries in the last 3 years than I have had my whole life.  G...

 I can't believe I hadn't used that song before today.  Seems strange.  I am wearing a hat and hood because my head is cold.  We have gotten to the point in summer where the mornings are under 60 and pushing into the low 50s.  Also, sun rise isn't until 6:14 AM - I really dislike winter, but I will need to find somethings that keep me busy so that I don't get as depressed as I did last winter. I looked back to my post surgery post 2 years ago (I didn't actually post for sometime after surgery so I guess I was pretty laid up).  I was worried about whether I would beat this shit and I still am, but I am also still here.  The funny thing is, I am still in the same place.  Shrinking liver tumors, hoping they can remove them all.  Story of my life I guess, shrinking tumors, hoping they can remove them all. Well, the dogs are scratching the door.  Time for my morning walk I guess. I love you all!

  It's been a couple weeks.  It looks as if I have beaten the norovirus as I am feeling much better which helps with my spirits.  Being sick while having cancer is not fun.  I had scans last week and things looked OK.  No new tumors, shrinking tumors, and the ablation zone is fully healed with no tumors.  All good news.  I won't be sure where we care headed until we meet with the oncologist and the interventional radiologist, but for now, I am taking this as a kind of win. I think with results like this and I think back to when this started, if I stay healthy I should get at least another 2 years which I will take considering how I felt just last month. I think all of this is weighing heavily on Tiffany.  I worry about her.  Between me and the girls, she has her hands full.  I try to be helpful around the house, dishes and cleaning, but I'm not as spry as I used to be. Well, I need to get to work. I love you all!

 Well, another week, more chemo.  I suppose at this point I can say I'm better than last treatment.  The chemo messes with my gut, but it isn't as bad as it has been in the past couple so maybe I am getting past this norovirus.  I have been feeling bad about not being a very good husband.  I try to keep up around the house and do my fair share, but I just don't feel like I am showing Tiffany enough love.  I am not sure how I can as she has done so much for me that I can't think of any way that I can give back to her the sacrifices and work she has done for me.  I'm trying. The sunrises have gotten to the point that it is nearly 6 AM before it gets light outside.  This time of year always depresses me.  The evenings are fine as it starts to get cooler and that is great for us sleeping and not running the AC all night, however it signals to they fact that soon we will be locked into the house as no one likes winter here. The gardening is going ...